Your Parents Vs. Your Dreams
As this blog continues to grow steadily, I find myself getting more and more emails from readers (which is great by the way, keep them coming). I’ve noticed that one topic comes up over and over again.
Parents.
Seems there are a lot of us out there who have big dreams, who want to do something meaningful with our lives, away from the safe and forgettable… but we’re worried about what our parents will think.
We’re worried about abandoning them. We’re worried about disappointing them. We’re worried that, if we are to trust our guts and follow our hearts, that we may end up being disowned by the very people we owe our lives to.
What to do?
I’m lucky
I’ll state right up front that I’m not the best person to address this issue, since methinks I have it pretty easy compared to most.
See, while my parents aren’t exactly thrilled with the lifestyle I’ve chosen for myself — if my mother had it her way I’d marry a nice Irish girl and build a house next door — they haven’t offered up much resistance to it. As long as I’m happy and not hurting anyone, they’re pretty cool with however I choose to live my life.
I’m also fortunate in that my two older brothers have built houses very close to home, so my parents won’t be all alone or lacking in support as they grow older and less independent.
Oh, and I’ve never been a parent myself, so I have no idea what it’s like to have my kid abandon apparent sanity and chase a crazy dream.
So yeah, I can’t really tell you anything here from personal experience. But I’ll share my perspective anyways. Hopefully it helps.
Mr. and Mrs. Coelho
When folks email me about the parent issue, I like to bring up Paulo Coelho.
You’ve heard of him, right? One of the most successful authors alive today, he’s sold several billion books (give or take) worldwide. He doesn’t just write, he inspires. The world is undoubtedly a better place for him and his work.
But flash back to when Paulo was a teenager, and his parents had him committed to a mental institution. On three separate occasions.
Why?
Because he wanted to be a writer.
See, Mr. and Mrs. Coelho didn’t think “writer” was a practical career choice. They were full sure that their son would end up starving in a slum somewhere if he pursued his passion, and so they tried to talk him out of it. When he wouldn’t listen, a trip to the local nuthouse for a little electro-shock therapy seemed in order.
Thankfully, Paulo resisted his parents resistance and managed to become his best self anyways.
But what if the young Brazilian had succumbed to all that opposition and given up on his dream? What if he’d been a good son and obeyed his parents? Sure, he’d probably have become a successful lawyer and helped a lot of people anyway, but he would have had nowhere near the positive impact that he’s been able to achieve through his writing.
Fact is, the world today would be a little less bright had Paulo been a parent pleaser.
But here’s what I love most about Coelho’s story. When asked if he’d forgiven his parents for how they treated them, he responded…
I did not need to forgive them, because I never blamed them for what happened. From their own point-of-view, they were trying to help me to get the discipline necessary to accomplish my deeds as an adult, and to forget the “dreams of a teenager.”
Why your parents don’t want you to be you
When parents offer resistance, I believe it’s for four primary reasons.
1) They want to protect you
The higher you set your aspirations, the bigger the potential for disappointment. Your parents don’t want to see you fall. They want you to succeed at everything and never get hurt. Of course, the world doesn’t work that way. Shield a kid from pain and she’ll never really live.
I truly believe that going all out to achieve your dream is reward enough in itself, even if you never quite reach it. Just in that journey you’ll feel alive more than you ever have before.
2) The fear of change
We’re all a little selfish, and we all resist change. Many parents don’t want their kids deviating from the norm because then the parents themselves will have to figure out a new reality, a different and uncomfortable reality where their kid doesn’t follow the rules and act predictably.
But hey, everything changes. Nothing stays the same. We adapt or we die.
3) That unflattering light
Then there’s the possibility that you going off and living your biggest dream will shine an unflattering light on the unfulfilling life your parents might lead. Because when we see someone else doing something that we’re too scared or lazy to do, it’s easy to feel bad about ourselves, and to resent that someone for “making” us feel that way.
Usually this will be subconscious if it’s there at all. So expect it, and forgive it. It comes from a place of low self-worth, of regret and despair. It’s nothing to do with you.
4) They really do need you
If you’re an only child or somehow your parents’ life support system, you can’t just drop everything and head off into the world to chase your biggest dream, leaving your parents to fend for themselves. I totally get and respect that. Giving up your own ambitions to care for loved ones is nothing short of heroic.
You need to be careful here though. I get the impression that many sons and daughters tell themselves that their parents can’t live without them, when in fact that’s just a convenient excuse to keep them from taking a scary leap.
Momma doesn’t always know best
A friend of mine dropped out of school at sixteen. His mother, herself a school teacher, almost killed the chap. She wanted him to follow in the footsteps of her eldest son, who had finished top of his class in high school, aced all four years at a fancy university to secure a prestigious degree, and landed a damn spiffy desk job before his grad hat hit the ground.
Fast forward a decade, and the eldest had abandoned the corporate life. The big paycheck didn’t compensate for all the uninspiring work and mountains of stress. He found himself much happier helping out his uncle laying hardwood floors, prestigious degree be damned.
And by that time, his younger brother (the dropout) had become highly-successful running his own garage, showing remarkable business smarts while turning his passion for everything on four wheels into an auto repair shop. He’s more artist than mechanic.
So one son did everything momma wanted, while the other listened to his gut and went his own way. They both ended up in their happy place, but the eldest needed a big detour to get there. Gotta be careful who you take directions from.
Honoring your parents
I feel my biggest loyalty lies with the world at large, and the potential I have to make it a better place, to reach as many people as possible in my lifetime and leave them better than I found them.
If you want to truly honor your loved ones, go out in the world and live your absolute best and brightest, make the most of that gift your parents gave you. And you have to be okay with the fact that they may always resent you for doing so, and you have to forgive them that resentment.
The alternative is for you to live your life the way your parents expect you to and never reach your dreams. And if you do that, it’s not just you who suffers, but everyone who stands to benefit from the gifts your best self has to offer.
I also like to believe that there’s an abundance of love in the world, and if my parents were to suddenly disown me for some reason, that other, more supportive people would step up to take their place.
They say family is everything, but I don’t believe you have to be related to someone by blood to have an extremely strong and fulfilling connection with them. On the flip side, many of us have family members who are terrible people and do nothing but drag us down. It’s just not smart trying to remain loyal to folks like that.
Have your parents ever held you back?
Like I said, I don’t have much in the way of personal experience to draw on here, so I’m interested to hear from others in the comments. How have you dealt with parental resistance?
After my father died nearly nine years ago, I became a quasi-parent to my much younger brother and sister. I plan on leaving the country within the next couple of years to pursue my newly found dream and am worried about leaving them and my mother. In fact, the reason I’m waiting as long as I am is because I refuse to leave without seeing my sister graduate high school. This places some odd constraints on me, as if doesn’t work well with the timing of my goals.
As it is, I try to balance my goals with my family, all of whom are important to me. My mother is worried for the reasons stated in the article, but will eventually come around. Everyone else is for it. I suppose that in the end, my commitment to family is holding me back more than my mother usually does.
Thanks for the comment, Matt. You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought and have your priorities figured out, which most people never get around to.
Cheers.
Niall, I’ve spent YEARS trying to figure my life out, typically changing my mind every few weeks to every few months. I think I found my best path forward and am just trying to stick to it more than anything.
I don’t think it ever stops, man. There’s that saying that the price of getting what you want is getting what you wanted. Best we can do is take our best shot and enjoy the journey.
Niall,
What a great and refreshing blog to peruse at this point in my life. Simply Wonderful, Thank you!
I was going to post a reply to others, but this one seems to be the one hitting closest to home. Especially, when you say:
“If you want to truly honor your loved ones, go out in the world and live your absolute best and brightest, make the most of that gift your parents gave you.”
You see, I am a daughter AND a single mother. My boys are now 22 and 18 yrs old, and it is time for me to follow my dreams and allow them to follow theirs (with my support, of course). My widowed mother, on the other hand, is 66 yrs old and I have lived with her for the past 3 1/2 years while I worked part-time and attended college full-time. Sidenote… I’m 40 years old.
However, that is not stopping me from graduating with two Associate’s degrees and flying to India to teach English part-time. I feel this is the time for action.
My plans/goals: Move to India, marry my Indian fiance, get TEFL certification, teach English part-time, maybe have 1 or 2 children, do humanitarian projects for others, live minimally and eco-friendly, etc, etc…
Whatever happens, happens.
I am going into this adventurous dream with open eyes and a big heart. I truly want to help people.
Your blog posts inspire me much! I look forward to reading your book.
Now… to transform and cram a 23 year Accumulation of Shit into 2 suitcases and a carry-on. Ackkk! Let’s see how “extreme-yet-practical” I can go.
Thanks again!
Wow, Sara. What a journey you’re on! If you find time when the dust settles you should consider sharing your story. I’m sure many people would find it inspirational.
Good luck with the packing!
Thanks for relaying the Coelho story. I’ve read The Alchemist several times and had no idea that his family actually had him committed for his writer aspirations. I’ve been fortunate to always have my mother’s support for my unorthodox approach to career and work, and I suppose my father as well. But as they (and I) get older I do wonder how my responsibility to take care of them in their later years will play out.
Hey Vic, thanks for the comment. Yeah, that whole caretaking thing is tricky. Like I said, I’m very lucky in that I have two older brothers living very close to my parents, but I’m not sure I’d feel right if they were doing all the looking after while I was off gallivanting around the globe. I’ll have to see how it plays out when the time comes.
This post just reminds me to be the best parent I can be, and to support my daughter in whatever (safe) endeavor she chooses.
Thank you for bringing this subject to light!
Thank you, Sarah. I’ll have to remind myself of this viewpoint when I’m a parent myself someday
As you already know, Niall, this is an issue I’ve been grappling with myself for the longest time, and this advice is a slap in the face no matter how many times I read it (and I mean that in a good way!). It’s something we all need to hear… we’re faced with a choice: we can either do as Mommy and Daddy want us to and forever wonder “what if,” or we can follow our own paths and find out.
My personal experience is this: I have a thing for Russia. When I expressed interest in going to the Motherland, my mother, though she knew I’d been studying the language for close to a year, freaked out and informed me, “Nothing good ever came from THAT country.” Perhaps there’s a bit of old, Cold-War-era logic at play here, but the fact of the matter is this: My choices are to either to forget about going to Russia like she wants me to, or to go there anyway.
I hate to admit that I chose the former the first time around. By no means is this an easy decision. But, I’m learning from my mistakes. I know that, when it comes time to apply for my university’s study abroad program, I won’t make the same mistake again. No matter how much I love my mother, I can’t spend my whole life catering to her.
In short, every word in this post rings absolutely true. <3 Thank you so much for posting, Niall!
Thank you, Natalia. I can only imagine how difficult such a situation is. Wishing you all the best as you work towards your dream, and I hope your mother will come around and see how much it means to you.
Thanks for your kind words
I’m sure she will come around one day; it’s just a matter of getting to that point!
Great one, Niall. Although my parents are very supportive, I still find myself worrying over their opinion (knowing where we disagree) and wanting to please them. Understanding is the hardest part: I badly want others to understand me, and most of all my parents.
And I really love how you articulated your mission in life. Loyalty to the world at large. Good, good stuff!
Thanks, Esther. I’m at pretty much the same place with my parents, disagreeing with them about a few things, but still wanting to please them. My dad, for example, doesn’t really get the whole veg diet thing, but he’s never put me down about it.
Cheers!
Niall – there should be a separate post for Asian parents.
They don’t want you to be you, because they want:
1) you to be a doctor
2) you to be a pharmacist
3) you to be a dentist
4) any profession in the medical field so you will be able to provide free medical care to them in old age and they can tell all their friends they are getting free medical care. and make you give their friends free medical care.
Shit, that sounds intense. I’ve heard stories from some Asian-American friends about how unyielding their parents can be. I can only imagine.
Excellent thoughts. I had no idea that Paulo Coelho had to endure so much to follow his own path.
Cheers
Also Plus 1 to what Vishnu said.
It’s really coincidental to see someone post up about Asian-American parents. One of my friends here in Atlanta focuses her coaching on this very issue (among only two other specific areas). She had told me that Asian-Americans are very pressured to become medical professionals, which was an interesting an new concept to me, and writes about it at her blog at http://crystalkadakia.com
Niall brings up a great point which I’ll comment on in more detail, but I thought you could use Crystal as an excellent resource/specialist in the Asian-American area you mentioned!
Thanks for sharing that, Tim.
It’s not just Asian American parents. Nigerian American parents as well. They can be as unyielding as the worst of Asian American parents. But no one really talks about it. And that whole “Chinese Mothers are Superior” article by Amy Chua could have been written by a Nigerian woman, only some major substitutions would have been made, but the bottom line would remain the same: certain immigrant parents heap ridiculous amounts of expectations on their children.
hi there,
you are taking about asian parents wanting children to b in medical field ,i tel you something i am doctor myself, even though my parents are not happy.i do not how to make them happy ?
Vishnu, you’re absolutely correct on that one! My mum is Asian and she is forcing me to become a doctor. She doesn’t care whether i want to be one or not. If i call her my “mum” and still live with her i have to do everything she says. I will be 16 in July, its illegal for me to live on my own in Australia. so i really don’t have a choice.
Hey Mr D,
Great post yet again. I fight with this on a daily basis – might be that divorced parents are the worst, a constant pulling on the mental chord strings.
My mum is great – supports me in whatever I do, tells me to do it even if it goes against her immediate happiness.
My dad? What a fucked up mess that is. Probably the main reason I choose not to live a normal lifestyle as he was so fed up with his while I was growing up. Now he expects me to do the same. “Why don’t you just get on with it?” he says to me.
Get on with what? Being miserable and working in a stressful job to afford a load of a shit I don’t need, don’t impress people I don’t care about – (stole your quote from Caroline’s video here!)
No thanks.
Good for you, Will. There are a lot of dads out there who say things like that to their kids, and unfortunately most of those kids never realize the stupidity of it. If only more parents were like your mum.
Thanks for the comment, and for checking out my interview with Caroline
Parents often see their kids as a way to live vicariously the lives they didn’t live, or, if they “like” their credentials, kids are a way to make copies of themselves. That’s what I see, everywhere I look. Parents who allow their kids to make their own decisions without intruding too much but also provide emotional support and some guidance based on experience are rare. You ARE lucky, as you say.
I don’t want to look like I’m shamelessly self-promoting, however, point number one in this post of mine:
http://life-sucks.org/i-hate-life/
and this short post in its’ entirety:
http://life-sucks.org/what-is-happiness/
deal with the same general issue and give a similar but different approach.
Keep up the good work, Niall, yours is the first blog I started following, when I started reading blogs a few months ago. I thought, “who’s this guy who’s going to do what pleases him, rather than going out of his way to please ‘society’?”
What I like is that you have a lot of very SIMILAR ideas to me but you’re coming from a completely different angle. And one thing I’ve learned is that absorbing new plausible angles and understanding them is a great way to expand one’s own consciousness and live a better life.
Getting new ideas, etc…
Keep going and keep posting!
Dean.
Thanks, Dean. Just checked out those posts, liking your take. “Make sure your decisions are your own.” Absolutely.
And don’t worry, I have no intention of stopping any time soon
Cheers!
i’m not really successful – tho i love being me – but if i were more successful one day i’d say: “the key to my success was not to listen to my parents”.
Haha, I guess they act as a sort of signpost for you then. Whatever they advise, you can turn around and do the opposite, safe in the knowledge that it will be better for you
Hey now! Success is an INternal measurement. You are successful based on YOUR own terms. And I’m certain that you can achieve whatever that measurement of success is. You’ve got a head start, you love who you are, so I gotta ask..
What else do you need to achieve in order to consider yourself successful? And how can I help? =)
Right on!
Niall… I could write a novel here about this, no word of a lie.
My parents, even my brother, have done nothing but stifle and frustrate me since I was like 13. Granted, it was to get away from computer games BUT they also overdid it and insisted all of sudden that I stop liking childish things and grow up and get some ‘ cop on. ‘
Thing is, their idea of being grown up and having cop on was vastly incompatible with how I see the world, to say the least. I did try and please them. However at one point, I was afraid to even think the way I wanted because I thought it was wrong and that their way was the ONLY way. Needless to say, it made me miserable.
I did break free from this mental prison. However, I rarely talk to them about personal issues because they will shove the idea that my viewpoint is wrong down my throat and that I need to grow up and be realistic ( its also because I’m an introvert, even more so than my father ) Its also for this reason my laptop and other electronics I have with personal information on them are password protected and I don’t like family members going onto my laptop to check something.
Its tough and I do appreciate what they did for me ( I was meant to be sent to a special school when I was younger – they had none of it ) but it doesn’t mean I should slavishly do what they want because of that. I want to live my own life in my own way.
Identically, this same thing was what resulted in me beginning to question why things were the way they were from a fairly young age so I guess lifestyle design is a natural progression for me as a result. So I guess it can’t have being all bad.
Tough environment, Adrian. Fair play to you for rising above it and seeing it for what it is.
I go back and forth between getting frustrated with people like that and feeling sorry for them. I found myself frustrated with an incident recently, but then thought a bit about it and realized that it was all external shit, nothing to do with me. Projection is a dangerous thing.
Thanks for the comment, man.
I left my life in the states to move back to Ireland to care for two family members one of which has alzheimers and the other suffered several strokes. As painful as it was to have to put my dreams of life in a new country on hold it would have been completely against my core values in life of living for the benefit of others. But like most things like that are neither black or white but rather a shade of grey. Every action has a reaction and that reaction on a personal level reguarding this event at times has been that of frustration and depression.
The truth of the matter is there are a million and one reasons not to do something. Just because it may appear your life has reached a dead end and the wounds of that ball and chain around your ankle seems never to heal and its difficult to see the forest beyond the trees the lesson to be learnt from that experience is that of appreciation and gratitude for the things that are good in your life. Just because there are certain constrictions in our lives does not mean we should throw in the towel and give up on our dreams but instead maybe we should dive deeper into what is most important to us and what small goals can we achieve that help keep us motivated and inspired.
Its not about setting out to building a wall and being overcome by the illusion of the greatness of that task but rather in focusing your effort in laying that first brick as best you can and repeating that process tirelessly,soon before you know it you’ll have that wall and you’d have achieved your goal.
In terms of human evolution one of our under appreciated qualities is our ability to adapt to changing environments and respond to those challenge in a positive and productive way.
Family is important,lets face it when things get ugly community is what saves us but what is equally important is the practice of letting go and accepting the choices that we make and the circumstances of our lives.
Situations are what we make them,places are that too and wishing you where somewhere else,someone else or doing something else in my opinion is missing the point. Life for me is in being where you are when your there and doing what your doing when your doing it. Mindfully orchestrating a life that above all is fulfilling and of merit to others no matter the scale of your actions.
Make the most of what ever situation your in and take every opportunity to grow. Compassion is both necessary to others and ourselves.
Thnaks for the post Niall,this one hit home for me too.
Brilliant comment, Niall. Lots of great wisdom in there. I especially like this bit:
“Just because there are certain constrictions in our lives does not mean we should throw in the towel and give up on our dreams but instead maybe we should dive deeper into what is most important to us and what small goals can we achieve that help keep us motivated and inspired.”
I think you also hit upon a big key above: knowing your core values. And knowing that the core values of others will be different. And respecting those differences.
Major respect to you for your integrity.
Cheers!
Great post ND. I postponed my adventures early on because of my mom’s concerns, among others. It was a long time before life finally gave me the opportunity again to live my dreams. No regrets though. I believe it came when it was suppose too, because as I look back on it now, I don’t think I could have ever appreciated everything in the way I do at this time, if you can understand what I mean.
A topic of mine that I would very much like to get some feed back on is developing and maintaining relationships, especially with the opposite sex, given our lifestyles and personal choices. Have any thoughts. May be the subject of another blog post.
By the way. I recently got a google+ invite. If you would like one let me know. You will get 150 free invites when you join, and that will give you another communication tool in your digital toolbox.
Cheers, Michael
Thanks for the comment, Michael. I get what you’re saying about appreciating everything now. Sounds like it all worked out great for you. Happy days
I’m already on Google+, though I’ve been holding off diving deep until I have the time to do it right and really figure it out.
As for relationships, I’m thinking you’d be interested in this post: Forming and maintaining deep relationships as a vagabond
Cheers!
For a while when I was growing up, life was just my mom and myself. Because of this I’ve got a very special spot in her heart. She busted her ass as a single parent, so she has a special part in mine, too.
But this relationship makes her very VERY protective and over the years she has become more and more terrified of the great big world we live in. She only wants to travel to ‘safe’ places (meaning, very Americanized for tourists)
This is unfortunately limiting, and she worries herself sick about my views of life. She sees recklessness where I see courage, and she sees foolishness where I see fortune.
I don’t think I will personally know how she feels until I have children of my own though.
Thanks for the post, Niall, great stuff as always. =)
Thanks, Tim. I feel the same, can’t really know how our parents feel until we have kids ourselves. I’m sure some day I’ll have a better perspective on all of this
Cheers for the comments.
I wish I had had the opportunity of reading this post when I was 18 and chose not go to college to a different city mainly for my parent’s concerns, and my own concerns about them being sad. That was the first and last time I stopped doing something out of fear of hurting my parents, I don’t regret it, though, because I ended up doing more or less what I wanted although it took me longer, but I regretted it for a long time and blame my mother for it, for not being supportive, rather the opposite. It took me a while to realize the ugly truth: I was the only one to blame for not being strong enough and do what I considered good for me, and for using my parents as an excuse when I was scared to death to pursue my dream career out my city.
I guess I am the person I am, thanks or despite my parents. They are extremely protective and always opposed a strong resistance whenever I wanted to do something out of home, which seemed to be the only safe place and where the real love was (according to them). It might be the safest, but it has always made me feel constraint, so I’ve always been fighting against my parents or their expectations, trying to explaining them what I wanted and who I was, which it has been great to strengthen myself and decipher my personality and motivations.
I’m fighting less and less now, not because they understand me (the female part of my family still don’t) but because I know they never will. My only aspiration now is that they accept me as I am and that they are sure I love them and I will be there whenever they really need me. Still a lot of work to do in that regard…
Thanks for sharing, María. I know it hasn’t been easy for you, and it still isn’t. But it sounds like you’ve come a long way and are in a better place with it now. I like what you say about not fighting so much anymore. I think that’s a really good approach, since there’s little we can do to control the fears and projections of others.
Muchos abrazos.
Holy Cow! Coincidence? I think not!
Mr. D, you’re cool. No, more like AWESOME. I randomly came across your blog’s link from Benny the Irish Polyglot. He’s the reason why I got the courage to dive into my upcoming language-learning adventure in the first place. Paulo Coelho’s the reason why I decided to stick it to everyone who ever shook their head when I told them about my dreams and just go for them. Actually, came across his “Warrior of the Light” book at my local library by sheer chance sometime ago. (strangely, the book didn’t even come from the library branch I was in that day) Never even heard of him before. Definitely changed the way I live my life now, though.
Now I’m 18, just graduated from high school and made the craziest decision of my life to learn the languages I’ve always dreamed of learning: Spanish, Brazilian Portuguese, Italian and French. I’m travelling to Bolivia, Brazil, Italy & France for 3 months each (inspired by Benny) with money that I’ve saved up for YEARS. (But of course hoping to do some couchsurfing, WWOOFing, HelpXing, WorkAwaying . . . you name it!)
Geez, talk about going against my parent’s wishes!!! You said it, alright! I had to fight my way through just to tell them that I wanted to take a year off.
Hope it all works out!
Do you couchsurf? Would love to treat you to a coffee or a drink sometime (perhaps in Spanish after my trip)!
All the best with your dreams! It’s always nice to realize that there are other fellow maverick go-getters out there in the world!
Cordialmente,
Paco
Thanks so much for that, Paco. Your comment was exactly what I needed to see this morning
I love the sound of this adventure you have lined up for yourself. Let me know if you’ll be writing about it anywhere, would be great to follow along.
And yes, I’m a Couchsurfer. I’m sure we’ll meet on the road at some point
My mum seems to have the idea that I should work as an economist or mathematician. And while I have talent for maths, I’m far more interested in personal development and helping people.
It’s okay, I don’t blame my mum, because I see where she’s coming from. I’ll just go ahead with my dreams anyway, and I’m sure she’ll come around when she sees me living a happy, fulfilling life doing things I love!
I like to think that most parents come around eventually. I’m pretty sure Mr. and Mrs. Coelho would have been very proud of their son after he became the best-selling Brazilian author of all-time.
Thanks for the comment, Vlad. Hope you’re enjoying your trip
Great post, Niall!
I’m a big Alchemist fan and wasn’t aware of Paulo’s crazy parents.
I’m lucky myself that this has never been an issue. They could actually probably try to talk me out of some of the stuff I try and that would help.
Rock it!
Fantastic post as usual, Niall. You have a knack for covering the things that people think and talk about in their small circles, but don’t blog about very often.
Your ‘missing people’ post hit me squarely in the face this way, too. 
Yep, I’ve dealt with this, as have several of my friends… particularly with quitting a PhD program. Parents don’t seem to understand why we don’t just go for it if we had the ability, though I know 100% that leaving my math PhD was one of the best things I’ve ever done. The older I get, the clearer it is that while most people mean well, there really are NO experts – not bosses, parents, friends, or even professionals – that can absolutely tell you what’s best for you all the time. Intuition, gut, and a strong sense of self make a great filter.
Wow, looks like I get to be the first mum to comment on this!
My own experience has been the usual one: my parents gave me unconditional love, yet with a possessive flavour. I still hear mum’s voice in my head when I’m making big decisions.
Now I’m a mother of a young man myself. Ever since he was born I’ve been getting ready for this chapter of life as I really really need to do this right. It is a brutal fact that there is no way to protect your loved ones. But there are ways to suffocate them, meaning well and all. I don’t want to end up doing that.
To let your child spread his own wings and fly is the ultimate test of motherhood. Not for sissies, I tell you. There are moments when you feel like Gandalf sending Frodo to Mordor. But if you know your frodo really well you trust him to be alright no matter what.
Only it would have been a bit easier for the worried wizard had there been mobile phones or internet…
Great post Nial! First off, I want to thank you for bringing Paulo Coelho to my attention. Just read all about him. Can’t wait to read The Alchemist now…
Secondly, I am about to begin a journey through Central and South America. I suspect it will be many years. I don’t see myself setting down for very long. My parents are worried about the violence, drugs, and unrest in these foreign countries.
I just tell myself, “It’s my life, and it’s the only one I have. I need to live for myself.” A person has to realize at some point if you spend your life living for other people, when you come to the end you’ll be left with regrets.
Love your perspective, Mitchell! You’re speaking my language.
Looking forward to exploring Central and South America myself in a few years. I may get back to you for some recommendations
Absolutely! I’m sure I’ll have more than you’ll ever need!
Mitchell Roth recently posted: Comment on 10 Benefits of Living Car Free by Mitch
Niall, I’ve been reading your blog all morning and was tempted to comment on each and every post. However, this one got me hooked ..
Without going into my full life story, I spent about 10 years being incredibly angry with my Dad – the smouldering, under the surface kind of anger. I never expressed it to him directly, but it was always there like an elephant in the room.
I had a long list of stuff I blamed him for. Stuff he’d done or not done which impacted my happiness, stuff that I could only interpret as unfeeling or uncaring on his part.
I was pretty angry with him.
Fast forward 10 years and, thankfully, he’s still alive and well – because with the benefit of hindsight, I realise it was all my crap – projected onto him.
Was he a perfect father? Nope. Did he care and do his best? Yep.
The truth is, I wasn’t happy at the time and he was an easy target – ask any therapist. Now I’m happy and fulfilled, I’m not angry and don’t need to blame anyone.
I guess the point I’m making is that it’s easy to blame parents when stuff is messed up in one’s life – but that doesn’t make them ‘guilty’.
What I’ve personally found to be useful is to accept them as fallible human beings and take responsibility for my own choices and whatever the consequences are.
The alternative is to spend the rest of my life blaming them, or someone else, or society, or .. and never get off my fat arse and make the most of my time here.
Wow, great comment, Martin. Thank you for sharing that.
Interesting comments and full of honesty.
Regarding blame…
I fail to have met people who it left feeling better about themselves or others. Yep, blaming seems to never make us feel better. We must nevertheless avoid falling into denial and rather be able to ascertain what has happened to us.
I know my parents raised me blaming me for who I was and I transgressed this blame by trying to please them by putting the real me in the shadow and trying to become someone I wasn’t. From such a system, a self propelled process of blame and shame was produced. This process is in my opinion what we must have the courage to identify and leave in order to live our true purpose and create a life to be truly happy.
I guess the point I want to make is those of you like me must not wait to save them all before we start moving forward (as they may not want to be saved from THEIR dream, even if it appears to us like it sucks or make us weep to see them like that or be less tham what you feel they could be).
Namaste!
Honestly, my parents have offered resistance to my career decisions every day. They wanted me to be a medical doctor, I pursued a career in Political Theory and philosophy. Although, vocally my parents offer resistance and daily commentary, they have never, like your parents, stood in my way to attaining my goal. In fact, my parents continually push me forward, encourage me to strive in my academic life, despite their disagreements in my decisions.
So, although I think my parents often disagree with my personal decisions, they tacitly have a breaking point. If I cross this imaginary point, they may be a bit more adamant to get me back behind this line. However, I don’t that breaking point is absolute and it is contingent upon how I frame it to them.
Overall, I believe my parents have, although verbally, not been supportive, they have always been okay with my decisions, because they trust my rationale. They can be frustrating, in terms of ‘relationship’ advice and at times may micro-manage my life. But for the most part, are probably the reason why I have set my own high standards and in 24 years was able to attain 2 master degrees and am currently finishing up the last year or so of my phd.
Great post!
Reem recently posted: Do your parents know
Thank you for the article. I just looked up the subject after my parent made a comment about how “You never knew what you wanted to do”. “You took too long to pick a profession”. Which isn’t true. I always knew what I wanted to do. It just wasn’t what she liked or wanted. In my family’s culture, you’re not really in a lucrative field unless you are a doctor, a lawyer, or and engineer, etc. That’s pretty limited, but understandable considering they had to escape the poverty of their country. I do agree with them that education is important. But what I wanted to be had to have the “clearance” through them. I’ve managed to find my way and explore different career paths that have enriched my life in so many ways. I never thought that my life was about picking a profession as if that was my whole existence. My life is journey and luckily I have been in a culture that has given me the freedom to choose–something my parents didn’t have. I agree with the writer that we would be different people and are denying the joy we give to others if we don’t follow our gut. Even if we do follow what are parents want, eventually our spirits will take us to where we need to go, but it will be that much later for taking the long route.
I just have gotten tired of listening to the same tape from my parent after all these years, and that they will never let me forget that they can make me feel guilty. So, I forgive them and realize that they might not know better but they did the best they could by at least thinking the best for me. I don’t regret not being popular in the family. I have dreams. It’s between me and my Spirit which way my life will go.
I’ m very impressedi about your article.It really motivates me. Well ,I’m a teen and I want to be a fashion designer in my nearj future but my parents were unsupportive .They said it just a hobby not a right career path and it is too risky because a lot of money is needed to begin with…I also plan to work oversea and I had this passion whenever I design something new.Lastly,I just need to know your advice about should I continue my dreams or follow parents guidance.I m really in a hopeless state.
Well this was really helpful, but my parents won’t listen to me.
Well I want to be a musician and I have potential, beacause I’ve finished music school and I really like making music.
Basically, music is my passion and I feel good while making it.
But here in Lithuania, everybody thinks, that musicians earn cents. And my mother wants me to be an Odontologist, but I mean, it’s medicine, and I hate it.
So nobody listens to me and says what I HAVE to do.
I’m pretty desperate.
so could you please give some help?
At this moment, i am getting no sleep more than 3-4 hours per night, not eating almost at all since few days except the cheapest Chinese take outs, my partner in my trading business is giving up on me assuming i am no good to him, 125 dollars left in my bank account.
And one look of failure from my parents, drops me in deep depression. Makes me feel that i am the biggest looser in the whole world, i don’t know no more how to convince them that i can succeed in my business, only if for once they showed some sort of support, i would get some life back in me !!
looking forward to a word from you.
Sounds like you might have to accept that they’ll never give you a supporting word no matter what you do, and realize that that’s their problem, not yours.
I studied overseas in Australia for a few years and returned back home to see my parents. I thought while I was here I could do my internship because I am a health professional and what was meant to be a long visit is turning into a prison. I sincerely want to return to Australia but my parents go mental every time I bring it up and they do the usual extreme guilt trip saying that they are old and who is going to take care of them. I am the youngest of 3 brothers with 10 years apart from my older brothers. They have both gone away at my age and did what they wanted to do and now they live nearby but because my parents have a bad relationship with them I am expected to give up on my dreams because they are too proud to call them for help if they should need it. I haven’t slept in a year and every day I suffer from anxiety and depression yet my parents seem completely oblivious of it. When I tried to open up to my mom and told her I am really depressed she simply replied that it was “my fault”. When I tell them that I have dreams and things they want to do they reply that I can do what I want after they die.
Every day I am conflicted whether I should follow my dreams or stay and do my “duty”. The sad thing is that I am able to fulfil my dreams, I have the means and support but my parents are against me and resist me at every stage.
Hey John,
Interesting timing on your comment as I’m reading a book right now called How Good People Make Tough Choices. The author talks about moral temptations and ethical dilemmas. The former are right vs. wrong, whereas the latter are right vs. right.
Sounds like you’re definitely facing an ethical dilemma. It’s right to stay and look after your parents. And it’s also right to go and follow your dreams.
There’s no easy answer to your dilemma, but I recommend checking that book out for yourself. It provides a framework for working through such issues and making choices you’re unlikely to regret.
Hey John,
How’s your situation now?
I understand what you are going through.
I am in the almost same situation as you, but slightly different.
I am the only child and I was suppose to go somewhere far from my hometown to pursue my dream career but prior to my departure, my mom had a meltdown and threw me an ultimatum. It was either family or my dreams. She even said that she wanted to disown me if I were to go.I was in great shock and pain.This had been a year ago and everday I am feeling so sad that after I had given up so much(my then happy but not fulfilling job in another city, my comfortable flat that I had spent so much on, familiar friends) and I still fail to pursue my dreams.
Wow, Niall. Reading this I felt like you were speaking directly to me. It is exactly how I feel and my relationship with my parents. I am the eldest son you describe. I took the detour.
I am three months from graduating medical school and I am giving it up to pursue music. I never thought that my parents were controlling me because it was always MY decision which career to pursue. But my choice was not free. I was limited to “practical” careers. Medicine, Law, or Business. Pick one. And I was smart enough to do whichever one I chose. I picked medicine.
As my childhood faded away, and my adulthood became filled with countless hours of studying instead of creating, I felt as if I was drifting. My depression, angst, and anxiety all increased. My father would tell me that I needed to just relax and live in the present moment. That’s when I realized how much I hated the present moment.
But I still couldn’t quit. I had come too far. I was in too much debt. And I was lying to myself everyday about how I felt about medicine. And then it came time to match for residency. I did all the preparations. And a week before the residency match, I broke down. I finally gave in to my desires. The realization that I was about to commit the next 4 years of my life to something I didn’t want. I could no longer bear it.
I wrote my parents a letter. They called me immediately. I broke down over the phone, sobbing, and telling them how I really felt. They told me to calm down. They told me I was having a manic episode. And I believed them.
They convinced me I was bipolar. And it was hard to deny it. Even with my medical knowledge. Because I was exhibiting wild mood swings. I was talking rapidly.
Today, it all finally came to a head. Last night, I was working on my new project so in depth that I had a feeling of elation so great it was a religious experience. And I am not a religious person. Later, I thought this might be the euphoria of bipolarism.
I went to a psychiatrist to get a mood stabilizer. I told him everything. And he told me he didn’t think I was bipolar. He told me that I didn’t fit a lot of the criteria. He told me it was also unlikely given my age (28), that it would appear this late in my life and not earlier.
Shocked, and feeling very validated, I called my parents. They flipped out. They called the doctor a lunatic. They said they couldn’t believe they were wasting money on him.
And it finally hit me. What I had never even considered possible. That my parents were controlling my decisions. My parents have allowed me to make every decision in my life except one. My choice of career. They have always demonized my friends who were attempting less “practical” careers. So they made sure my career was practical. And I have always felt that I owed it to them. That they had given me so much. They deserved to have a son who was a doctor. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was too miserable. And too many of my friends were living their dreams and making them a reality.
I don’t blame my parents. I am certain what they did was out of love. I know that they don’t realize they are doing it. But it is time to break free.
It is my life. It’s time I went and lived it.
Holy shit, Josh. That is one epic realization to have come to. Sounds like you’ve got a whole new life ahead of you. Congrats, dude! So many people never get to experience such an awakening!
Hey mate,
I kindda have a issue at hand and you really seem to know what your talking about, so here it goes: so i applied for this spiffy job, my dream job and they really liked me and wanted me to come in for a trial. I thought i ought to be honest with both my parents but it backfired badly. They think it is dangerous, wrong and pretty much what they say goes. Also to make the situation worse, i happen to be a diplomate and I’m afraid they they might send me back to my hone country if i went after my dreams (in this case the job), they rarely let me go out too and if i do go out its leads to a war at home. I really want this job, have been dreaming of getting it ever since i was 15 (i am now 20) and now i have missed the trial. I cant move out because of all this diplomatic stuff.
Do you have any advice for me? Could you e-mail me back please?
Cheers mate.
Hi Mary,
I’ve never been in a situation like that so take my advice with a grain of salt. I’d urge you to think twenty years into the future though. If you abide by your parents wishes, do you think you’ll be happy?
Hey niall,
Thanks for getting back to me, it means a lot. Well, with all honesty…im overage and i just feel thats its time for me to live life without fear of “whats going to happen next”. I mean this is my dream job and i got accepted and they just wont listen to me. They have their life and had their dream jobs and all…why wont they let me do what i want? My mother always told me “im not going to force you into any job, do what ever job you want” and it just sounds like the biggest lie now.
I cant move out, i cant leave, i cent even live my life. So whats the point really?
Hey Niall!
Your article really hits home in my heart, almost to the point of tears. I’m 18 and currently planning to go to university next year. The thing is, I applied to engineering because I’m strong in math and the sciences, but that’s not what I truly want to do. In fact, I really hate it in all honesty. Just thinking about how I have to spend the next four years studying like hell for the things I absolutely hate 24/7 and to go into that career doing that for the rest of my life has honestly given me several episodes of breakdowns. Yet I’ve been accepted to all the universities I’ve applied to with scholarships and stuff. My parents seem pretty proud of me, but I don’t – no, I feel so empty. All these years, all I really wanted to do draw. I’ve always wanted to enter the arts field and drawing is the only thing that truly makes me happy and I would do anything to spend as much time on it as possible, but unfortunately my family wouldn’t support me. They been telling me over and over how I shouldn’t pursue the field ever since I was a child and officially shot down my dreams when I was 13 because I was a strong student academically. Since then I’ve been studying like a robot, but I feel so empty. Deep down, I know I won’t be able to make it if I go down the road I’m heading right now. Yet, I don’t know what to do anymore… It’s honestly very tough when my parents won’t give me the support I need, saying things like I can’t make a living if I were to go down the road I want to, I’m too naive, that I can’t always do the things I like because reality just doesn’t work that way, illustration isn’t a real job, and even how I’d be wasting my strengths as a strong student getting straight A’s. I can see where they’re coming from – they’re afraid I won’t be able to earn a decent living once they pass away since they are rather old compared to most parents and they don’t earn much compared to other families because they didn’t get a proper education. I know they want me to have a better future than they did. If I were to become an engineer, at least I could possibly support my parents, but a selfish side of me says that after that, what will be left for me? Struggling to get a Bachelor’s degree just to punch in numbers in an office for the rest of my life and all for earning a bit of money? That sounds like a pretty sad life to me. It’s really an internal struggle I fight everyday, especially these days, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve been fooling myself all these years thinking that this is going to make me happy, but now that my friends keep telling me why I should cut myself short in life and reading this article really makes me wonder again.
In all honesty, I wish I knew how to let go of my dreams. I wish I could drop my pencil and never pick of drawing again; then I wouldn’t have to struggle so much. It’s kind of funny because the only reason why I chose engineering out of any career was because I could probably get a job immediately after just a Bachelor’s degree, though it’d be a painful 4 years. Then I could start focusing on what I truly want to do once I get a job and earn a decent living, but lately I’ve been rethinking if this is the right choice for me. Should I really follow my parents wishes so that I can support them, or do I go for my own happiness, even if I may struggle for quite a bit of time or even the rest of my life possibly in terms of financial stability. I’ll probably get back to you when I come up with a decision. For now, I’d like to say thank you so much for writing this article. I think I’m closer than I’ve ever been to reaching a decision, and to see so many people’s stories has truly been a moving experience. I hope that soon I can see the light at the end of this long, long tunnel.
Hi Kayla. Thanks so much for sharing that. It’s a tough situation you’re in, no doubt about it. I hope you’re closer now to reaching a decision you’re satisfied with.
One thing I will say…
“do I go for my own happiness, even if I may struggle for quite a bit of time or even the rest of my life possibly in terms of financial stability.”
I don’t think you need to worry quite that much about it. I thought as well when I was younger that some of the decisions I was making then would affect the rest of my life, but it rarely turns out that way. You’re free to choose different and change directions at any time. Don’t feel like you have to make the right decision now because you’ll never be able to change your mind. Life is long. You’ll have lots of opportunities to change course.
Hi,myself Devanjoli from INDIA. I am a student,I have recently appeared my class-12 final examination and now am searching for good college to pursue my higher studies in INDIA itself. My father is no more in this world so me and my mother stays together and she is a senior teacher and her teaching experience is from last 13 yrs I.e., she is teaching since 13 yrs.I respect her a lot but she doesn’t understands me I want to go to a college named lovely professional university for doing the course of B.pharma as m a science student and this college is ranked as 6th best college in whole INDIA and its reasonable for my course too.But the problem is my mother,she is not allowing me to go to that college and I can’t even find any reason why she is denying me since yesterday night m crying continuously till now but she is not trying to understand my feelings what should I do now? Please help me….
Devanjoli, thanks for writing. That’s a tough situation. What options do you have? I can think of three:
- You can continue to try talk with your mother and hope that she will understand.
- You can stop trying to convince her and just do what you want, and be ready for her resistance.
- You can move away from her.
What do you think?
Thanks so much for the advice-I came to this blog to prepare myself for an upcoming family meeting about ‘my future.’ No matter how many successes I’ve managed to earn in my career as an artist I’m constantly seen as not good enough by my parents. Even though I’m nearly 30, they seem to think that I’m going to grow out of who I am and suddenly decide to study engineering. They’ve done their fair share of shaming, manipulating, and putting me down. One of their favourite sayings is, “It’s not to late, you know. You were really smart in high-school.” Of course I was. And I need to be. I don’t know any good artists who are stupid.
My sister is currently in law school and has recently adopted a tone of disrespect, superiority, and mockery. So I don’t call her any more. I’m trying to be patient with my parents and slowly help them understand, but I get my feelings hurt pretty regularly and I wonder how much contact with them is good for me.
Why are so many of our family members the least supportive people we know? Don’t they realize that the only thing they can do to increase my chances of success is help make us feel strong, confident, and supported? As if nudging us in the direction of doubt and fear could ever do us any good.
It helps to read this blog and know that I’m not alone. All the best to all you talented, brave dreamers who are tired of being underestimated. Maybe one of the best things our generation can do is resist the tendency to ascribe a social hierarchy to jobs and to cultivate an attitude of equality and tolerance.
Beautiful comment, J. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad I found this. At the moment, I’m struggling with making the decision to drop out of college. I’ve always been a good student and graduated top of my class in high school, so my parents expect a lot from me. But the things I really want to do with my life – travel, write, blog, maybe start a business (anything but a “practical” job) – don’t require a degree and I can’t see wasting the time and money to get one.
My parents disagree. My dad thinks that college will always equal success, and my mom never went to college and hates her job, so she wants something better for me, which I can understand. But college isn’t a guarantee for a job anymore anyway (I tried explaining that to them and they insist I should have one regardless, because “no one can take your education from you” – yep, all that memorization and essay bullshitting really provides you with knowledge of the real world…) My five older siblings have high expectations of me also, and they all went to college, so my parents expect me to follow them. They’re all very discouraging when I try to tell them what I want to do with my life, saying that I’ll never be successful or make enough money to survive, and I need to get a “real job.”
I may do well in school, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I know college isn’t for me and all I want to do is leave, but my family is holding me back.
Sounds like you’ll just have to go ahead and take that leap without their support, Megan. They’ll likely come around after a while when they see you happy and thriving out of college.
Thanks for replying Niall. Well I did it – I dropped out yesterday! I’ve never felt better. My parents aren’t happy, but I’ll deal, and their insisting that I’m going to be unsuccessful in life is motivating me to prove them wrong! Your blog is inspiring me as well
Congrats, Megan! Nothing like staying true to yourself. Love it
Honestly Niall your blog is a true soul catalyst. Just know I am discovering there is a “neo-nomadic awakening” and all those inspiring people joining the tribe.
I have never been able to fit in standard “normality”. A 9-5 job, a mortgage, a brick house and a car bought in installments, a married life and dreams postponed until age 65 were unthinkable from the onset within my innermost self. That’s why I have been a freelance nomad for more than 18 years now.
For a long time my life choice has caused me lots of trouble with my “normal” relatives and friends (“When-are-you going-to-marry-settle-down-get-a-real job-think-of-your-old-age..”), to the point that sometimes I have felt very weird and lonely.
You are really helping me to feel strong again and sure in the way of my heart.
Blessings for your soul travels.
Well that’s just about the nicest comment ever. Thanks, Marian
All the best to you on what I imagine is a great journey through life.
Hi Niall,
I’m a 17 year old boy from India, and have just finished schooling. I have always wanted to be professional racing driver ever since I first drove a go-kart almost 10 years ago. Now that I have started expressing my interest in motorsports to my father, he has turned on me. According to him, we don’t have the finances that are required in this field.
Also, since it is very unpredictable, I have decided to pursue Automobile Engineering as well, so as to have some backup.
I am absolutely sure I have the talent. I don’t know if he knows this or not. Instead, he is ordering me not to race at all, ever. And he doesn’t want me study Automobile Engineering as well, because he thinks I’m choosing this field to support my racing. He wants me to do what millions of other people do. I fail to understand why he doesn’t see my vision to do something different and new.
Words cannot describe the passion I have for racing, and I am 200% sure that I can go a long way, only if he supports me, and not shout at me everytime I bring this up.
I know I haven’t been the topper of my class, and that’s because I don’t like studying in general, or maybe because I commit things to him under pressure and when I fail to achieve them, I feel under confident. And he should know this too.
I can’t see myself doing anything else in life, apart from what I want. Fine, even if I do find something , I’ll never be good at it, because it’d be more of a burden. I’d never be happy in life, and I don’t want that. I hope you understand how difficult it has become for me.
Don’t tell me to sit and talk because I’ve already tried that numerous times, only to hear his raised voice at the end.
Please help me out Niall. I’m counting on you.
Hey Garvit,
Thanks for sharing. Definitely a tough situation, and I don’t think there’s any easy solution. If you really want to live your dream and your father isn’t willing to accept that, you may need to go against his wishes and make your own way without his support.
One book that I read recently that you might find interesting is Rich Dad, Poor Dad. The poor dad in that book is a good example of a parent having the best of intentions for their child, but not really knowing what’s best for them because they’re only viewing the world through their limited personal lens.
Sorry I don’t have a better answer for you. I hope everything works out.
All the best!
Hi Niall,
Thanks for the response. I could go against his wishes and make my own way, but I’m afraid it won’t be as easy as that. This is because firstly, going against family will put me in a very difficult situation, emotionally. What this means is unless I have emotional support of my father, I won’t feel motivated to win.
Secondly, racing is a very expensive sport.
Couple that with my education costs, it will be near-impossible for me myself to fund them both at the same time.
What I can look forward to, is sponsorship.
I will try and find someone who can fund my racing and maybe that will change my fathers’ mind.
Anyway, it was great talking to you and letting it all out at once. I just felt like I needed to share with somebody who’d listen. T
hank you Niall, and I’ll try to get hold of that book you’ve mentioned. Thank you once again.
Hi Garvit,
I also asked a few friends about your situation, and here are their response. Different perspectives might be helpful:
#1
That’s tough. The easy thing is to tell him to follow his passion. He seems certain enough that he will succeed. I don’t really know. It feels a bit like in his comment he’s looking for affirmation that he can be successful as a racecar driver. So he probably should pursue it. If he doesn’t he’ll likely be resentful of his own choice not to pursue it, and/or he may project resentment on to his father for not supporting him in his desire to race.
Either way he may have a rift with his father, and if that’s the case, he might as well be racing! Plus if he’s successful, his father would hopefully come around.
Perhaps in an effort to compromise with his father, he could have 2 years (or the number of years he and his father agree on) to pursue racing and see if he likes it and can establish himself in it…
#2
A guy (from Europe) stayed with me after having a similar situation with his parents, he chose to go couchsurfing for a while to get perspective, then ended up going to college in Northern Ireland doing what he wanted to do. It is hard to see a clearly situation while you’re in it.
#3
I had the same situation. I had a passion for acting. I wanted to go to college and get a degree in acting. My mother told me I would never be able to make a living at it and that I wasn’t very good anyway. She refused to let me try. I started college, took a few general classes and was bored and unmotivated. I dropped out, ran away from home, and wound up without a degree in anything, married with 4 kids. I love my kids, but I have been depressed and miserable… because I did not even try to follow my dreams. As for the acting, I joined a local theatre troupe and became quite good, and a local favourite. So, the argument that I would not succeed at it was not valid. My relationship with my mother is non-existent, because I never stopped resenting her squashing my dreams. My advice to you is… take the chance and follow your dream. Take the hard road, because believe me, that misery will hurt less.