The Girl & The Girl

 

Sariska

We walked hand in hand down the nameless street, towards a taxi waiting at the junction. It was just after the dawn. Her flight to Thailand was leaving in a couple of hours. We were out of time.

I’d met her two weeks earlier while walking through Thamel. She was from Japan, traveling alone, dressed in a funky style all her own. We chatted for twenty minutes that first time. She had a playful positivity about her, and laughed easily at my stupid jokes.

We next met a week later, and kissed goodnight outside her hotel. She was reluctant, I was persistent. I’d later learn that she hadn’t kissed anyone since the last Olympics.

It got messy after that. I liked her and wanted to meet again, but she didn’t trust my intentions. We chatted endlessly by text and spoke for hours on the phone, gradually revealing more and more of our true selves.

Then it was her last night.

By phone the previous eve I’d pushed deeper with the personal questions. I’d made her cry and she’d hung up on me. I’d abandoned all hope of anything sexual happening between us, believing it wouldn’t be in her best interest. But I still wanted to see that smile one more time before she left town.

I sent a text. She replied. We met twenty minutes later. She smiled that phenomenal smile, and then I kissed her forehead and wished her well. I sensed some hesitancy from her as we said goodbye, like she didn’t want it to end just yet. But it was there that we left it, and I felt content on my ride home through the darkness.

The phone rang an hour later. I was in bed but awake. I felt it again as we talked, that hesitancy. And so I asked…

– Sariska, do you want to come spend the night with me?

We slept for maybe an hour. The rest of the night was spent talking, laughing, touching, kissing. We never got close to sex, and it was perfect that way.

When the dawn broke, I walked her down to the taxi. The shoulder of my shirt was damp with her tears, the stains of a tough goodbye. We both felt like we were just getting started, and now we were finished.

I watched the taxi drive off. She never looked back. I took a deep breath and turned away as the first glints of sunlight broke through the mountain haze. It was a beautiful morning.

Note: If you’re my mother, consider this the end of the post. Turn off the computer, throw on the kettle, and go think about how nice and sweet your youngest son is while enjoying a lovely cuppa cha.

Biszaya

“I fucked my brother.”

It was fast becoming apparent that I wasn’t going to win this game. Just a minute earlier I’d told Biszaya about my craziest sexual experience. She’d raised an eyebrow and replied with a devilish smirk that I might as well be a virgin. Then, unprompted, she’d shared a few stories of her own. As it turned out, incest was only the tip of her perverted iceberg.

It occurred to me that this girl was easily the most sexual person I’d ever met. Rather than try suppress and ignore her natural urges, she’d fully accepted them and strived for a life of complete congruence. As such, I couldn’t help but feel an odd sense of respect for her.

We’d made contact via an adult dating site. Her profile was full of faceless pictures and rules for safe sex. Via text the previous evening she’d invited me to her hotel in Kathmandu. Her last message read, don’t talk to me when you come into the room.

She’d opened the door and pulled me into darkness. It was only after we’d had sex that she turned on the light and I saw her face for the first time.

Now it was a day later, and we were exchanging stories on the terrace of the Galleria Cafe. She didn’t talk much about who she was or where she was from. My best guess was France. She told me she’d run away from home as a teenager, fed up with her parents constant condemnation of her sexual exploits. Now she split time between Kathmandu and Kuala Lumpur. Aside from meeting guys online, she’d often approach attractive men on the street and ask if they’d like to keep her company.

She was leaving in the morning, and I was glad. I figured one more night with this girl would be all I could handle. But before she jetted back to Malaysia, I wanted to try some things I’d never tried before. Her next words opened the door…

– So what should we do now?
– I think we should go back to your hotel.
– And do what?

With a lump in my throat, I told her exactly what I wanted to do, sexual fantasies I’d never dared speak aloud. As I finished speaking, that devilish smile reappeared on her lips.

– Okay, but I’m going to pretend to be asleep the whole time. You have to do all the work.

A minute later we called for the check, paid up, and left.

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40 Comments

  1. Brilliant.

    I’d like to throw in a small anecdote if I may, that fellow DtR readers might enjoy..

    As I was sitting across the table from our fearless Irish Rabble Rouser in Kathmandu, both pretending to work away on our laptops.

    We were discussing blog bits and pieces, mainly the reaction online to Niall’s recent “Bella” post…

    Niall’s phone rings and the rabble-rouser answers..

    “Hello, oh hi Mum, not much what are you up to?”

    “What do you mean who’s Bella, never you mind.”

    hahah, one of the better phone calls I’ve eavesdropped in on! Also, hi Niall’s Mum if you’ve made it down to the comments and didn’t scoot off as suggested.

  2. Nice stories! Just today I thought about the difference of romantic and purely sexual relationships. Both have their place.

    Interestingly enough, my best sexual (physical) experiences took place outside of a committed relationship.

  3. He he, you were right to warn mom ;).

    I can identify with you and Sariska a bit too much. I too have spent sleepless nights with a gorgeous girl with no hint of sex, and being an amazing night. One that sticks forever in my mind.
    I too have felt the deep sinking feeling of saying goodbye to somebody amazing. Unbelievably sad yet extremely happy and grateful that she even appeared in my path.
    This is the ephemeral fate of the traveler. Finding love once and again. They say “It’s better to have love and lost, than never loved at all”, but it’s hard to understand when so many strong feelings surround us.
    Yet, I prefer ephemeral love, than no love at all. Shows that romance can get deep if we’re ready to accept, and give.

    For Biszaya, I also feel a sense of deep respect for her. Not odd. We are who we are and acceptance of that is one of the keys to stay happy. Tall, short, gay, pan-sexual, rebel, compliant. We are what we are and we’re not better or worse, just different.
    Finding a girl that can accept herself completely, with no regard of what other people think, is very rare.
    Profound respect and admiration.

    Niall, this will be a very popular post, I can tell. Good!!

    Cheers!

  4. Take. No. Prisoners! Kick-ass fun and sweet nothings. I love that you’re living the life you want to live, no excuses, that you are willing to spend a night kissing and talking, or a night just doing the Bunny Rumble, no regrets.

    Good for you!

  5. The second story made me sad because I think sexual adventures are better when shared with people who are present and enjoying themselves. Unless your fantasy involved a sleeping woman, or a woman pretending to be asleep, I’m not sure how enjoyable that could have been.

    That said, good on you for posting about it. Better luck finding a partner who takes a more active role in your fantasies in the future.

  6. What a beautiful place! It looks like a place to restore your soul.

    I find your post interesting because you lay it out for us all to read but not in a sleezy way. You are only doing and expressing what most of us probably think and do but never come out and describe it publicly. I like the fact you respected Sariska whose moral values are probably very different to your own. Bisyaya is totally different again (like most women I suspect, I’m somewhere in the middle) but as long as it was mutually enjoyable and no-one got taken advantage of – then why not have fun? I have to say though that Bisyaya sounds like quite a sad person underneath and I hope her sexual adventures are not just her way of trying to feel loved and wanted and sex is the only way she knows how. I’m hoping that is not the case. Never heard it described as a life of congruence before – very polite Niall!!

  7. Hello, Niall.

    I liked this post. You’re a really good writer and you told an honest story. So, I like that.

    Still, I wonder: which did you like better? I know that everyone has many sides to them, but if you really really think about it: which girl did you prefer? It seems that one satisfied your emotional desire, while the other satisfied sexual desire, but if you could have one or the other, which would you choose?

    • I don’t like the idea of choosing one over the other, because they were both valuable experiences to me, incomparable in many ways. But if I had to choose a girl to see over and over again, it would certainly be Sariska. Sexual connection is great, but there has to be more than that for me to have a relationship of any significant length.

  8. Niall, Interesting post but are you using these girls’ real names? I mean, why kiss (or errr) and tell? I understand it makes for good writing but somehow I think the women you’re with may not appreciate your story telling, at least if you’re using their real names.

    The other thing is – it seems like you try awfully hard to get laid and place quite a bit of value on whether or not you do. If you cared less about getting laid you would probably end up having more sex.

    One thing to remember; women ultimately decide whether or not they sleep with you or not. If they are attractive and spending time with you, odds are you want to sleep with her and she knows this. Women are very intuitive about this, lol! Subtlety goes along way.

    • Not their real names, Scott. Come on, give me some credit :-) I changed their nationalities, too.

      Sometimes I do try hard to get laid, yes. Won’t deny that. But you’re right that it’s easier when I detach from any particular outcome and focus on connecting and having fun. Getting much better at that.

      Thanks for the comment.

  9. Gotta say – I don’t always agree with you, but I appreciate the honesty and perspective.

    BTW, I’ll be happily forking over my money for your book. Can’t wait for the release.

  10. I admire your honesty, Niall. Especially since finding out you mother reads your blog!! You inspire me in more ways than one. Good on you for living your life exactly the way you want to!

  11. A really interesting blog! I can definitely relate to both of your experiences with the women above and I agree with Alice in that both situations have their place. You’re on to a winner when you can find both in one person.

    I’m hoping that you have a happy look on your face after your revealing request to Biszaya? It’s scary isn’t it, letting someone in on those deep dark fantasies?

    I join many others in loving your honesty, it’s so refreshing. As someone who loves to tackle taboos and who regularly brings up subjects where ‘too much info’ comes up, it’s fab to find someone on the same wave-length!

  12. Fuckin’ hell. I honestly don’t know.

    I’ve just read through all of your, mostly fawning, comments and I don’t get it in the slightest.

    I know you from, well like when you were born, and I have also had people respond negatively to me when I changed in the past. It makes sense that they would; lots of people dislike change and find themselves a bit awkward when someone they are very close to begins to act differently. That said I really don’t get any of the appreciation offered for what you wrote.

    You know I love you but these thoughts have been distilling in my head now for sometime and I have had a serious look at myself along the way in trying to figure out my part. I keep telling myself it’s not my place to say anything, he can do what he wants, I’m just being a begrudger or maybe some part of me likes to disagree with you. But still something doesn’t really sit right with me.

    These folks whom I have heard you describe once as “the people back home caught up in the rat race” have faces to me unlike a lot of your other readers. I know its kind of funny how you warn you mother not to read on (and I very much doubt she stopped-I know I wouldn’t) but I keep thinking of the sort of questions she finds herself having to answer in Superquinn when she comes across friends or relations who are also familiar with your blog.

    I really hope its not just sour grapes on my part just because you’re doing so well (which is possible) but I honestly don’t think it is. I want you to do well. You see, theres this issue of Zombies. If I disagree with you or challenge some of your radicalism does that automatically make me one of the infamous pissed off? Will you then ‘change the people around you because you can’t change the people around you?’ I don’t know. And then theres the issue of ‘hey, if this stuff isn’t for you then don’t read it,’ which is fair enough but when you care about someone how do you just block them out, especially when you think some of their behaviour may be hurting others. Maybe I should have emailed you this directly but privacy obviously doesn’t concern you much anymore.

    I disagree with a lot of this stuff. To be honest, it makes me cringe. Maybe I’m cynical and a dull Irish begrudger but it just does. And yes I probably will stop reading after this thread in quiet protest.

    The thing is-radicalism, in all of its mad intensity, can so very easily become extremism. I really hope you succeed in all that you do and that you help people with some of this stuff but I don’t know-it makes me worry sometimes. Maybe thats wrong, ignorant, zombieish but your utter availability and what sometimes seems like knee-jerk divulgences veer a little too close to plain recklessness for my likening.

    Here’s the thing: a girl who fucks her brother! Thats not being adventurous. Its being sick. Very simple. Incest is not some trendy experiment. Its fuckin’ fucked up. A girl who brags about that fact, needs help, not more cock. By engaging with her you are taking advantage of her (and not to mention exploiting her for your own blogging and sexual ends). That shit is not right nor is it to allow the whole fuckin’ world to see it while your family and friends are held indirectly accountable for feeling all the embarrassment that you have so famously shed along with a big chunk of your consideration.

    Yes, I realise I’m angry. Who am I to tell you what to do, who to be or how to do it. Well I’ll tell ya: I’m your best friend. I’m the guy who takes you aside and says with an incredulous frown: “Dude! Fuckin’ seriously like!” Again, I don’t know why its all coming out tonight and I must admit I’m nervous now about hitting the submit button but I can honestly hand on heart say I’m being as honest as I’ve ever been.

    At Christmas when we Skyped I told you that I was really, really happy to have learned to accept my fears and really felt a lot of freedom around that fact. You responded by pursing your lips and looking figetingly into your lap. This was probably my first mistake. I should have asked you there and then what your problem was? Because to be honest it pissed me off so fuckin’ much. I don’t know if you have every noticed it but there are some hardcore passive aggressive undertones contained within all of your bullshit. Now again, maybe this is my shit and God knows it could be, but I hear: ‘if people don’t do it my way and conquer all of there fears and sing about it like some fuckin’ reinvention of Doctor Phil, then they are not as good as me.’ In fact you know what, that one is mine. You didn’t say what you thought on skype that time and you obviously made an effort to disguise it (and hey maybe I’m wrong) but its hard not to feel like the detritus you’ve washed off to go and live perfectly in the world.

    Maybe I’ll regret posting this in the morning or maybe I won’t. I feel like I’ve definitely connected with a lot of reality in writing it. I’m not trying to be nasty, just honest. I know you are the salt of the earth, I truly do and my issue is not how you live your life. Its some of the people you include in your experiments who have no choice about their connection to you and even less over what you affiliate them with.

    Maybe take some time to think about that.

    Sadly Yours

    Ciaran

    • I’m glad to have a critical comment on here. The fawning ones are great, but too many of them and I’ll start getting a big head.

      Lots to respond to in that comment, Cuz, and I probably won’t manage to address everything thoroughly.

      First though, I’ll say that I don’t consider you a zombie or some hindrance that I’ve had to cast off so I can live the life I want. We’re just on different paths, and have different ways of looking at the world, and that’s fine. You seem to be growing happier by the year, so in my book that makes you a winner at this life thing.

      You’re right that I don’t give much consideration to what my family and friends will think about my writing or how I live my life. Well, kind of. I purposely don’t write about the issues of family or close friends, and when I think it might be easy to identify a real person I do write about, I take care to change enough details to hide their true identity.

      Honestly though, I find it odd that you’d criticize me for not giving much consideration to what my mother’s friends will be saying behind her back at the supermarket. I hope she doesn’t have to endure that, sure, but I’m not about to censor myself for fear of what other people might say or think about those I care about. I’m pretty sure many of your own heroes had a similar mindset. I can’t imagine many of the revolutionaries you speak about in your course taming down their message so Mrs. Brown wouldn’t be gossiping at the market.

      (Not that I’m on par with any of those revolutionaries or anything, but I hope that helps you understand where I’m coming from a bit more.)

      As for taking advantage of that girl, all I can say is that I wouldn’t have gotten involved with her if I felt that was the case. It’s not uncommon for me to turn down sex or stop pursuing it if I don’t believe it will be a good experience for the girl, too.

      Was she sick because she fucked her brother and seemed to revel in telling me about it? I’ve read some things that make me question that. I’d quote you a thought-provoking passage if I had one of Jonah Lehrer’s books to hand. The point was something along the lines of: If both parties enjoy it and they do it safely and there’s no regret afterwards, how is it wrong?

      A year ago though, yeah, I would have shared your repulsion and steered clear of a girl like that.

      I’m sorry that I didn’t listen and understand you better during that conversation we had at Christmas. Reading what you just wrote about accepting your fears, that actually sounds smart. Not sure why I reacted how I did when you spoke those words to me. I probably had my own shit going on and wasn’t able to relate at the time. So yeah, I’m sorry about that.

      Also, I’ve noticed you bringing this up several times now: The notion that I’m trying to become some flawless being with no tolerance for imperfection. And I’ll tell you again that that’s not what I’m striving for. I simply like learning about myself, testing my assumptions, facing my fears, growing and changing. I never feel more alive than when I’m doing those things. There’s no magic end point I’m aiming for. I’m just enjoying the ride.

      Last thing I’ll say is that I give a lot of thought to everything I do and everything I write. I do very few things on a whim. I still frequently torment myself with self-doubt and second-guessing (not so different to how I was as a teenager). I know and accept that I may upset some people every now and then, some of whom I care about deeply. I wish I could keep everyone happy while at the same time writing whatever I want, but that’s impossible. So I do the best I can, knowing that it’ll never be good enough.

      Thanks again for the comment.

      • Thanks for such a level reply man.

        I felt sort of bad about that post when I woke up this morning. The last thing I want is for you and me to fall out. I get that we are on different paths and I probably have a lot of competitive reactions to you still left over from when we were younger and I fucked up while you didn’t.

        I can’t find it in me to rationally defend my assertions about incest. I don’t know. Just on a very deep and fundamental level it strikes me as so utterly wrong. However, I will admit there are times when I notice a particular response in myself to homosexuality that I’m not proud of and trying to work on, not to mention my reaction to trans-gender. So I dunno.

        With regard to your family its not so much about what people are saying behind their backs. It just that I feel others have a right to integrity and they’re own privacy regardless of what Mrs Brown thinks about them. I know that you do consider them, I do-but just on some levels I wonder if they haven’t found themselves in awkward situations that they have had no choice over.

        As for your reaction at Christmas, maybe I was searching for it in your expression too. We do things differently but the more I read about the history of people the more plainly obvious it becomes that we are not designed to accept difference without a lot of effort and hard work. Difference is a challenge. But I guess awareness is the big key.

        I hope I didn’t go overboard with my rant and maybe overshoot the mark any. Calling the blog ‘your bullshit’ was out of line.

        But anyway, absolutely busy as fuck at the moment with barely a minute to do anything (and have no business philosophizing on line right now even) but we must skype over the next few weeks to catch up on things.

        Best of luck with everything and thanks for your reply.

        The Cousin.

        P.S That bungy jump looked incredible!

  13. Damn…dude, you got balls. Lots of em, I don’t care about your actual quantity.

    I feel more connected with myself after watching your video in particular, when you talked about how we see people who are more sexual in a certain way. We tend to not see them as “good” guys. This has been a personal dilemma for me.

    But that’s seeing life like a movie. Good guys and bad guys. That level of thinking isn’t only wrong, it can get you into a ton of trouble with other people, and keep you from being more in tune with yourself and your own desires.

    I bet your relationship with your mom has really improved. I have been having conversations that are more sexually themed with my parents as of late, and MAN has my relationship with them improved! This post would be a great conversation starter, as I can see from Andrew’s comment ;)

    Absolutely LOVE your honesty on display here.

    • Haha, not so sure that this post will bring me closer to my mother. I imagine she’d much rather this one be stricken from the Internet and never mentioned again.

      But thanks for the comment and the kind words, dude. Glad this resonated with you.

  14. Very interesting post, I tried the “adult dating” on a website as well and totally understand you about that. Nowadays everybody wishes/tries to live their fantasies, and as long as it is “safe” and enjoyable for both parties, there is no frustration of never doing what you fancied and that’s something to be happy about.

    But more importantly, that was a great story with “Sariska”, and apparently she is from some Asian country that will probably be on your way around the world soon. I wish you two meet again!

    Thanks for the well-written short stories.

  15. Niall, you’re transparency is awe-inspiring! I know you plan to be a speaker/presenter later in life, and if you haven’t considered transparency to be a major theme of it, please do. The breadth of transparency you maintain is unique, as far as I know: sex, ethics, love, possessions, relationships, inadequacies, fears, and especially finances.

    I get so much more than life hacks and travel inspiration from you. I get the idea that our lives and desires and failures AND SUCCESSES don’t have to be secrets. We can be transparent. I can be transparent.

    Thank you, sincerely.

  16. I was in India about the same time as you, but in Kochi and then Rishikesh. This may be the hottest post ever. That’s right. hot. I love the honesty and sincerity. We all want to express ourselves sexually and we have all these taboos surrounding sex.

    But if I were still in India or anywhere near you I would have met up with you in an instant. We would have had fun….that’s all I’m saying.