Disrupting the Rabblement

When I announced on Facebook a few days ago that I received a tourist visa for Iran, and that I should be passing through there next month, several people left messages along the lines of, “Be safe, take care.”

Thing is, I’m not all that concerned about visiting Iran. First of all, two sets of statistics^{1 2} show that I’m almost twice as likely to be murdered while visiting the USA than while visiting Iran. New Orleans was the murder capital of the country when I moved there in 2007³, but somehow I never once felt unsafe during my three years in The Big Easy. Crime was definitely happening, but it seemed most of it was confined to troubled neighborhoods and transpired between warring drug dealers and the like.

Trouble was unlikely to find me unless I went looking for it.

Second, from what I hear from folks who’ve actually visited Iran, they find the people there to be among the friendliest and most accommodating of any country they’ve been to. It seems the regular folk in such countries are so eager to disprove the negative stereotypes that they go out of their way to be hospitable to tourists⁴.

Yeah, I’m sure Iran isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but I’m also pretty certain that it’s not nearly as hostile as the media would have us believe.

Misplaced fears

While presenting a workshop on blogging several weeks back in Zurich, a lady asked me about identity theft. She was hesitant to use her real name online and write about her personal life, for fear that someone could use that info to gain access to her bank account… or something.

My response to that lady was that yes, identity theft does happen. But as long as you don’t do anything dumb like post your pin number online, the chances of it happening are so small that it’s ridiculous to even worry about it. That would be like avoiding air travel for fear of a plane crash.

The way I see it, focusing on the miniscule chance that something bad might happen, and letting that fear dictate your behavior, is a sure fire way to miss out on all the cool things in life.

Yeah, you might get kidnapped and beheaded in the Middle East, but you’re probably more likely to get knocked down by a bus on your way to visit your grandmother in that home town you never had the courage to leave.

Sure, there’s a greater chance you’ll be a victim of identity theft if you write all about yourself online, but not starting that blog means you don’t get to help and inspire people the world over.

If I Should Die…

Despite all I’ve just written above, those comments on Facebook did get me thinking a bit about death. Two thoughts in particular:

• If I were to die soon, would I die happy with how I’ve lived my life?
• What would be the final message I’d like to share with the world?

So, just in case I do get beheaded in Iran, or flattened by a tram in Budapest, or fall off a tall horse in Turkey, I’m going to go ahead and answer those questions now⁵.

If I were to die soon, would I die happy with how I’ve lived my life?

I’m sure I can’t accurately answer that question without the threat of death being real, but I’ll give it my best shot anyway.

I like to think that yes, I would die happy. In recent years I feel that I’ve taken full responsibility for my life and started living more in line with my values. I strive to live consciously and spend time doing the things that are truly important to me, instead of living my life the way I feel other people or society at large will approve of.

Knowing that most people never get to live their dreams, I feel fortunate that I’ve already lived the bejesus out of one, and I’m well on my way to living another. The journey towards the latter is hugely fulfilling in itself, so I wouldn’t even be pissed if I died before I truly felt like I’d made it.

Additionally, methinks I’ve done a pretty good job in recent years of battling my own fears and insecurities, instead of continuing to allow them to hold me hostage as they did for a large chunk of my younger life. I’ve made great friends, I’ve loved great women, I’ve experienced joy and elation and heartbreak and sadness, and I’ve allowed myself to feel it all thoroughly.

I also realize and appreciate the fact that I’ve been extremely privileged. Born male to good parents in the Western world. And, lucky fecker that I am, I was born white! As Louis CK says, this being white shit is thoroughly good.

But perhaps more important than the privilege, is that I feel I’ve done a pretty good job of accepting the responsibility that comes with it. I’ve tried somewhat regularly to make a positive difference in the world, to leave people and places better than I found them. I could always have done more of course, and I’ll never get back those six months I wasted playing GTA3 back in college, but overall I’m pretty happy with my contribution to life.

I’m grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to share some things via this blog. It seems I’ve helped a few people, like I’ve made a difference, and that many of my writings continue to have a positive impact. Many thanks to legendary people like you for reading and sharing.

I have very few regrets. I’ve given into fear more than I should have and I’ve wronged more people than I care to admit, but I’ve learned from most of my mistakes and made a consistent effort to correct course whenever I’ve gone astray. Perhaps it would have been nice to start my conscious growth journey at a younger age, but at the same time I know I should be thankful because most folks never start such a journey at all.

So yeah, all in all, life’s been pretty damn good for me so far. There’s still so much I want to see and learn and experience and contribute, but if I should die today, I’d die lucky.

What would be the final message I’d like to share with the world?

There are a few core concepts that I’ve written about here at Disrupting the Rabblement that methinks would serve well as my final message to the world. Bullet mode…

• Think for yourself.
• Live your dreams.
• You don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to.
• Normal is overrated. Let your freak flag fly.
• Question everything.
• Introduce elephants.
• Live experimentally.
• You are not your past. You are free to reinvent yourself at any moment and become whoever you want to be.
• Adopt a fluid self-concept.
• Try big things.
• Face your fears. Use them as sign posts, pointing the way to your best self.
• Fail often.
• Talk to strangers.

I wrote recently about beliefs changing over time, and how we shouldn’t cling too closely to them. In the comments, Miles made the distinction between beliefs and principles. I’d consider the above list to be the latter. I expect I’ll be writing encouraging words along those lines for as long as I live.

One last thing

If I were to die a horrible, unfair death, I’d like people not to hate whoever was responsible. That would just be a waste of energy, better directed elsewhere. And I’d like people not to miss me when I’m gone. In the words of Dr. Seuss,

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

If You Should Die…

This was all just a clever ruse to get you thinking about these things yourself

So, tell me:

• If you were to die soon, would you die happy with how you’ve lived your life?
• What would be the final message you’d like to share with the world?

I can’t find the exact quote, but I recall Steve Pavlina tweeting something along these lines many months ago:

You do realize that it’s impossible for me to continue to grow and evolve while simultaneously staying true to everything I’ve ever written, right?

A friend recently called me out on an old post I wrote which explained why I didn’t require people to subscribe to my mailing list before downloading my manifesto.

Except that now I do.

I’ve written lots of other things on this blog that I’ve since developed different views on. For instance:

• When I first decided to quit my job and go the self-employment route, I wrote that it would take me no longer than 3-4 months to start generating enough passive income to cover my expenses. In reality, it ended up taking me about a year to start covering my expenses, and I wasn’t able to do it with passive income.
• I believed I could put on 20 lbs of muscle, in six weeks, on a vegan diet, doing just one hour of exercise per week. That didn’t turn out so good.
• I’ve advocated both weekly planning and a quarterly prioritization exercise, but it’s been over a year since I’ve done either myself.

Right now I’m reading a book called The Vegetarian Myth. I balked at first when someone¹ suggested I read that book, for the same reason I expect many a vegetarian would: Doing so opens up the possibility that our plant-based worldview may not be so fantastic after all. But knowing how extremely important it is to question assumptions and test beliefs, I go ahead and read such books anyway.

The way I see it, if my worldview isn’t shatterproof, then it’s better it get shattered sooner rather than later.

I won’t write much about the aforementioned book here, except to say that it’s already changing my mind about quite a few things. I don’t agree with the author on every point, but I have to admit that she’s raised issues with vegetarianism that I’d never considered before.

Does this mean I’ll soon abandon my vegan ways? Maybe, maybe not. I give myself permission to change my mind if that’s what feels right. I’d rather not be one of those people who sticks to their beliefs even in the face of overwhelmingly contradictory evidence.

How to Change Your Mind

You’d think this would be easy, but it’s not. Everybody considers themselves to be open-minded, but we’re all closed-minded to varying degrees.

Most of us hold our beliefs sacred. Our identities are all wrapped up in them. And so questioning our beliefs becomes akin to questioning our very being. Unsurprisingly, we’re hesitant to do that.

Additionally, we’re afraid of what other people will think of us should we reverse our stance on something. When you’ve been an outspoken ambassador of X for several years, you’re wary of being labeled a hypocrite should you have a sudden revelation that Y is actually the smarter choice. That fear can hold us hostage, causing us to ignore the factual so we can stick with our original beliefs and not have to admit that we were mistaken before.

The solution is to never cling too closely to your beliefs in the first place. Stand apart from them. Realize that they’ll probably change over time.

By all means, live your beliefs to the max and share them with others, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have all the answers. Part of being committed to a life of growth and evolution is accepting that you’ll be proven wrong quite often.

What’s changed?

What beliefs did you once hold strong but later abandon? What caused you to change your mind? What might it take for you to abandon some of your current core beliefs?

“When I’m not experience telling, I’m bullshitting. I’m making stuff up. I’m theorizing about something that I know nothing about.” – Everett Bogue¹

This post was meant to be about cheating. I’ve met several guys in recent months who seem to have no problem cheating on their girlfriends, and such behavior doesn’t sit right with me. I was going to get all high and mighty in this post, telling you how I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend, and giving reasons why I never would.

But then I realized, shit, I’ve never really been tested!

It’s not like I’ve had ladies chasing me my whole life, and I haven’t had all that many girlfriends. What if 21-year-old me had been in a relationship but out sans girlfriend at a bar one night. And what if a really hot stranger started flirting with me at that bar and offered up no-strings sport sex back at her place? Would I have been strong enough to say no?

As Mike Tyson once said, “Everybody has a plan ’til they get punched in the face.”

I’ve never been punched, so what do I really know?

As such and for now, I’ll hold back on sharing all my thoughts on cheating. I’m gradually getting to the point with romantic relationships where I do find myself with more options, where I expect I’d have ample opportunities to cheat when in a relationship. So let me see what that’s like for a while and then get back to you.

Experience Telling

Ev Bogue got me thinking about all this. He strives to only write about things that he has direct personal experience with. As quoted up top, anything written about that’s not from personal experience might as well be considered bullshit.

I’m going to disagree a little with that though, or perhaps I’m just elaborating. Regardless: I believe it’s important to distinguish between direct and indirect experience, and realize that both can be valuable.

For example, imagine a husband and wife going through a rough patch in their marriage. They figure it might help to talk things over with someone who has experience dealing with such issues. Who should they go to?

1. An elderly couple they know who have been happily married for forty years.
2. A local priest who has been doing marriage counseling for twenty years.

Not so long ago² I would have told you that #2 was a stupid idea. What would a priest know about romantic relationships? Assuming he was a good priest, he would never have had any direct experience with such, whereas the elderly couple would be able to speak from direct experience, and therefore their advice would be much more valuable.

Right?

Perhaps not. While the elderly couple could share their experience, it would only be one experience. Their strategy for maintaining a happy marriage probably wouldn’t work for a lot of other couples.

Meanwhile, the priest could draw on his twenty years of experience dealing with all kinds of people in all stages of marriage. He’d be able to recommend several strategies to resolve certain issues because he’d have seen countless other couples attempt to resolve similar. He’d know what’s likely to work, and what isn’t. His experience, while indirect, would still be very valuable.

Your take

So I could tell you what I think about cheating and why it sickens me, but I wouldn’t be writing from any kind of experience, direct nor indirect. I’m flying blind both ways, at least for now.

So this post isn’t really about cheating. Let’s not even tackle that issue in the comments. Instead, tell me what you think of experience telling. What do you do when someone asks for your advice in an area where you have neither direct nor indirect experience? Do you try offer a helpful response anyway? Do you think it’s possible to give good advice without ever having been through or exposed to relevant experiences yourself?

…

P.S. I just added footnote functionality to the blog (see below). Should help with reading flow while still providing additional info for whoever might be interested. Must give a shout out to Andrew Caldwell, since I stole the footnote idea from his blog

I’d rather live a life of “oh well’s” than a life of “what if’s.” – unknown

I was at a popular ruin pub called Szimpla here in Budapest a few weeks back. Standing at the bar with my friend Diego, my attention was drawn to a buzzing high table nearby. Around it were a dozen or so guys and girls, looking like they’d just stepped out of a hip magazine.

One of the girls in particular was drop dead gorgeous. Besides having a pretty face and amazing hair, she was also rocking a funky hat, and you know I’m just a sucker for a girl in a funky hat.

Within three seconds of spotting her, I asked Diego to excuse me and walked directly towards the table. I tapped Hat Girl on the shoulder and she turned to face me, a quizzical look on her face.

– Hey, don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but you look absolutely adorable in that hat and I just had to come meet you.

As she smiled, I could feel the attention of all her friends shifting towards me. So I added, with a smile of my own…

– Oh shit, is one of these guys here your boyfriend? Because that would be really awkward.

Hat Girl pointed across the table to the biggest guy in the group; 6-foot-6, built like a tank, and staring right at me. I held my smile and added a shrug in his direction. Raising my voice so he could hear me across the table…

– Sorry man, I just tried to hit on your girlfriend. You gotta teach me how to get a girl like this.

His stare softened, his face beginning to show a hint of amusement. I turned back to the girl.

– Well, I’m going to slink away now to avoid any further embarrassment. But I’m glad we had this time together.

With that I turned and went back to join Diego at the bar, who was shaking his head in disbelief.

– Hey man, I told him, I had to try.

Oh Well’s versus What If’s

Some folks have asked if I’ve continued to work on my flirting skills since I tried hitting on 100+ women in Amsterdam last November.

The answer is yes, though not with the same sort of intensity. I’ve probably approached close to another 100 women in the seven weeks I’ve been in Budapest.

I feel I’ve made steady progress, grown even more comfortable in my own skin, even less likely to let irrational fear get the best of me and not go talk to a girl I’m attracted to. But it does still happen that I chicken out every so often and pass up an opportunity. And it’s also still pretty common for me to approach an attractive woman and get rejected outright.

I’ve noticed though that the rejections never sting as much as the times I fail to try. Without a doubt, the oh wells are easier to swallow than the what if’s.

And, in case it’s not obvious, this doesn’t just apply to romance.

Whatever it is you really want out of life, go and give it your best shot. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, well, at least you did your part.

And that’s all you really have to do: your part.

Nobody wins the lottery without at least buying a ticket.

Sometimes fate (or destiny, or whatever you want to call it) will meet you in the middle. And that’s magic. Other times though, you’ll be left waiting there alone, and fate will never show up, and you’ll feel like a failure. But take solace in the fact that you did your part. You put yourself out there and gave yourself a shot. That’s really all you can do. The rest isn’t up to you.

Celebrate that magic when it happens. When it doesn’t, shrug it off and try again.

Yes, it still stings. But a lot less than never trying at all.

“You can be more successful in two months by becoming really interested in other people’s success than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in your own success.” – Keith Ferrazzi, Never Eat Alone

I have a good story.

I’m an Irish guy traveling around the world without flying, for four years, working from my laptop.

And I’ve gotten pretty good at telling my story. I was at a language exchange last week and found myself the center of attention in a circle of seven people. They all seemed fascinated by what I had to say, and I was only too happy to keep my mouth flapping.

That kind of scene isn’t unusual for me these days. It happens quite often.

The problem is, I usually leave such a scene without knowing much about anyone else. I get so caught up in telling my own story and sharing my own ideas, that I fail to find out the interesting stories of others and learn from them.

It’s been the same online for a while now. I’ve been overly concerned with telling my own story, and have spent most of my time trying to make myself successful. I haven’t done a good job of connecting with others and helping them spread their message.

Changing it up

To try remedy this, I’ve decided to go extreme and flip everything for the month of February. What happens if I hold back on all the self-promotion and instead devote my time and energy to helping others succeed? What happens if I stop telling my story and encourage other people to tell theirs?

So here’s what I’ll be doing different in February:

• Listen more than I talk in conversation.
• All tweets and Facebook updates have to help promote someone else’s work.
• Reach out to at least one person every day and ask how I can help them.
• Actually follow through and help people, without any expectation of reciprocation.
• In every blog post that I write, highlight some cool shit other people are doing.

I’m also going to call on you fine folks to suggest other things I can do. This whole idea only came to me recently so I’m sure it can evolve into something much more concrete before February hits.

Measuring the success of this experiment will be tough. It will largely be intangible, but I think I’ll get a good feel for whether or not the whole thing makes a positive difference. I’ll report back in March and let everyone here know how it went. Hopefully it will lead to some positive, permanent changes in how I work.

Of course, in the long run I’ll always have to spend some time looking after number one and promoting my own wares, since nobody is ever going to care as much about my success as me. But I’d like to have a better balance between helping others and helping myself. For the last year or so I feel I’ve been too much on the ME side.

The hardest part of all this may be the face-to-face conversations. I love telling my story and sharing lessons I’ve learned with other people. Quite often though I get carried away and realize after half an hour that I’ve been doing all the talking and I’ve yet to learn anything about the other person. And this sucks because I know I can learn just as much from others as they can from me, if not more. So every time I dominate a conversation, I’m stopping myself from learning something new, and I’m missing an opportunity to make that person feel valued and important. That needs to change.

So, how can I help you?

Are you working on something cool that I can help promote? Is there someone in my network that you’d like to be introduced to? Or maybe I can help you out with a few tips on blogging or web development.

Keep in mind though that I won’t be doing lots of free web design work. I’ll still be charging my usual rate for that ($45 per hour) since I’ll need to make a living. But I’m happy to help point folks in the right direction or do small tasks for free. As long as it doesn’t take time away from my paid work, and I don’t have to spend more than 50 hours total in front of the computer per week, nothing’s really off limits.

Here’s to your success!