Everything But The Girl

 

I’ve been asked a few times now why I care so much about getting better at dating/pickup/flirting, whatever you want to call it. Why do I play the game?

The short answer: Because that’s where the fear is.

I still have a lot of fear and anxiety around meeting and attracting women. I tend to view such fear as a signpost, pointing me towards massive growth opportunities. Some people seem capable of making peace with their fears without trying to overcome them, but I’m not one of those people. I can’t back away from a fear and feel at peace. It eats away at me.

It’s not about the girl

Last weekend I met a great girl and hung out with her and some friends Friday and Saturday evening. I let that familiar internal resistance get the best of me and never made it clear that I was interested in her. On Sunday I told a mutual friend about the situation and she offered to try suss out if the feeling was mutual. But I asked her not to.

Why?

Because I knew I had to confront the fear head on. That was the real challenge, the real goal.

See, for me, it’s not about the girl. It’s not about getting laid. Sure, if I find the girl especially attractive then I experience more fear, more anxiety, but the battle remains internal. If it was just about getting my rocks off I could go find a massage parlor and upgrade to a happy ending. I could list the transaction discreetly in my next finance report. Nobody would ever have to know.

Except me, that is. I’d know that I’d wussed out, that I’d run from the fear instead of confronting it. And I simply can’t stand that.

What it’s really about…

For me then, success in this whole game is when I show up true and authentic. It’s when I go after what I want, assertively, without apologizing for it. It’s when I represent myself well and keep in mind the best interests of others. It’s when I tune out that asshole lizard brain and just start dancing, letting go, having fun.

Doesn’t matter if I dance like a three-legged deer on ice. Doesn’t matter if I get rejected by the hottest girl in the club.

When I push my edge and stay true to myself, I go home happy. When I succumb to that internal resistance, not so much.

The larger lesson

Similar story when it comes to money. I’ve done really well income-wise these past couple of months, but I see the extra cash as a by-product of having faced some select fears. I had to overcome a hefty dose of self-doubt every time I considered raising my freelance rate. I had to embrace uncertainty and experiment with some alternate income streams. I had to abandon some limiting beliefs and develop a more abundant mindset.

It hasn’t been about the money at all really. It’s been about the lessons learned and the confidence developed from facing those fears and insecurities I had regarding money.

This can apply to any irrational fear. It’s not about getting laid or earning $5k a month or having perfect six-pack abs. All those things are secondary. The real reward is the person you become as you do battle with your fears, your insecurities, your limiting beliefs.

That’s what I play for.

So that girl, from last weekend?

Sunday evening, I flipped my internal resistance a middle finger and told her how I felt. As it turned out, the feeling wasn’t mutual. No worries. I went home that night perfectly at peace. I had everything but the girl, and that was all I needed.

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52 Comments

  1. Niall,

    Firstly, I would like to appreciate the courage you have in running your life as a open book….more like a living autobiography.

    Now coming to the girl story, I am not a connoisseur nor a casanova, but based on your lifestyle choices, you need someone who is as adventurous and living on edge kind of girl….who shares similar taste else it would not be worth woo’ing at all….the discreet massage parlour would pay better benefits…LOL

    Happy travelling.

    Harry

  2. THIS IS WHY I READ YOUR BLOG. This is a fantastic post, and I hope you develop this some more. It’s what you’ve been pointing toward all along, racing toward, and now you’re there. Really helpful to hear this spelled out the way you just did. Thanks!!!

  3. Ahh, Niall, let me tell you something. I ain’t gonna start a pickup tutorial or anything of sort. Just felt really necessary to let you know something.

    I do have success with women. All kinds of women, even married ones. It’s immoral, I know. But you know what? Doesn’t absolutely matter whether you like some woman or not; if you do everything right, she’ll be yours. And it’s clear that you’ll add up in confidence whenever you get a positive feedback from an attractive woman. If that happens few times with different women, that confidence will eventually result in lost fear. And you’ll eventually start feeling yourself even more attractive than before. So, why don’t you try meeting also those women, who are actually NOT your type, but who you find nice? Don’t think about serious relationships, just messing around (I know, that sounds unscrupulous, but unless you’re not hurting anyone, it’s okay). There will be less bitterness of rejection but you’ll move forward with more experience. And trust me, experience matters. You’ll have less mistakes (‘mistakes’ – I really mean it) in approaching women in the future.

    Why don’t you develop a custom of flirting with ANY nice female you meet even for five minutes, even if that’s a cashier at a grocery store. Tell her something nice or funny, make her smile. If she has a rare tattoo, tell her that you like it. Do it when appropriate even with a woman who you get on an elevator with to pass few floors, and who you know you’ll never ever see again. You’re not loosing anything, but making every single lady you meet have some positive feeling about you and a better mood after meeting you.

    For a woman it’s about finding someone who satisfies her needs; listen to her, understand her, be delighted with her, admire her attractiveness and let her know that in a creative way. A man has success with women only if he’s able to make them believe, that he can satisfy their needs.

    Just try new experiences with all women you find attractive, but not just with those of your type.

    I apologize to all ladies to whom my comment may seem offensive.

    • Thanks for that, Melakkush. I definitely hear ya. I think one of my main issues right now is just not having the energy or being in the right mood to have that flirty vibe consistently. I go to the supermarket during the day for instance and I’m kind of zoned out, not in a social frame of mind. How do you combat that?

      • Combat the feeling of being zoned out?) I don’t think I can help cause I guess I just don’t have it for too long)

        But if there’s a lady you happen to see occasionally, what stops you from simply telling her “you look very nice today” next time you see her? And please, do it only if you really think she looks nice. Sincerity is the best method of communicating one’s feelings.

        These are just little, insignificant actions which push you forward. Day by day they should eventually grow into an ability to approach and have relationships with women you’re really attracted to (…and for only as long as you want).

    • Very good piece of advice, Melakkush. Trying to overcome fear is ok; but why don’t you make things a little easier, gradually, step by step?.
      There are grand fears and little fears; but in my opinion, grand fears are made up of tiny fears. The macho approach is to beat grand fears; a more effective approach might be to take little steps everyday in the right direction. It is not so epic, but in the long run you end up developing a more consistent character.
      You also need bravery in order to tackle ordinary tiny parts of your life.

  4. “The real reward is the person you become as you do battle with your fears, your insecurities, your limiting beliefs.”

    That’s why I blog and battle the things I battle. The external rewards are nice but it ultimately always came down to honoring myself. If I let out my version of respectful honesty out into the world, then a positive external result is a bonus.

  5. Niall, this is just a thought, but have you ever thought that some (or a lot) of girls might not go for you because it’s obvious you’re not looking for anything serious right now and you’re only interested in having a short-term fling? Even if you don’t tell them that in so many words, I’m sure they know you’re not planning on sticking around any of the places you’re visiting for long and that you don’t want a permanent travel partner.

    I appreciate your openness and I like your vision on most things but something that kind of bugs me about your approach to dating and relationships is that this area of life isn’t a game where you can develop skills that will make you better at picking girls up or overcoming fear (or whatever) while you’re constantly on the move. It’s about developing intimacy with an available person despite your respective flaws. Maybe that’s not the stage of life that you’re at right now, which is fine, but when I read about your dating escapades, and particularly when I read some of the readers’ comments, I feel like there’s a side to this blog which I otherwise really like that is frankly a bit “macho” and hasn’t a clue about the real issues that people looking for a healthy relationship face.

    • “have you ever thought that some (or a lot) of girls might not go for you because it’s obvious you’re not looking for anything serious right now and you’re only interested in having a short-term fling?”

      Sometimes that’s true, yes. But look around at most guys who have conquered their fears/anxiety around women and dating. They’re not exactly giving off a one-woman-man kind of vibe, yet they’re still attracting women easily.

      As for the “healthy relationship” comment, it seems you’re assuming that for a relationship to be healthy it must be long-term. I don’t see it that way though. I’ve had fantastic win-win relationships with women in the past, where we both had a lot of fun and got exactly what we wanted. I wouldn’t call that macho. To me, macho is about having random, irresponsible sex and not caring about who the girl is or what she gets out of it.

      It sounds like we’re just looking for very different things as regards relationships, Jennie. And that’s fine. Neither way better than the other.

      • That’s fine. But I’m kind of getting sick of hearing that because guys who get around attract women, that means they’ve got it made and have what ideal women want. Yes, those guys attract women because a lot of women have low self-esteem and are attracted only to obviously unavailable guys. A lot of guys also have low self-esteem and spend a lot of time trying to get laid and an ego boost and then congratulating themselves when that’s what they get from the women with the low self-esteem. Another blogger, the amazing Natalie Lue, writes a lot about this pretty sad dynamic. Check her out: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

        I think this discussion is probably going nowhere since we’re obviously not on the same page about this. But seriously, your blog is attracting pick-up artist commenters who think you’re one of them. That really grosses me out and I’m otherwise a fan of yours. So give it some thought. I notice that no other female commenters have chimed in as of yet, and I’m not a bit surprised.

        • I hear you, Jennie. These types of posts might attract a certain crowd to the blog/comments, but I’m hoping you won’t paint us all with the same brush.

          I’d also like to hear from more women in the comments. I have had many discussions about this stuff with female friends, and I always find it interesting to hear that perspective. I’d be confident in saying that the vast majority of women who know me well personally (via romantic relationships or just as friends) know that my intentions with all this stuff are honorable.

          I’m not interested in hooking up with girls who are stumbling drunk or who have serious self-esteem issues. Those things are big turn-offs for me. And I don’t think every guy with a busy dating life is preying on those types of girls.

          • Re: I’d also like to hear from more women in the comments.

            First thought I had was that post on “Showering without Soap” experiment :D
            Maybe you can’t smell it, maybe these girls can lol.. but I could be wrong about that, just was the first thought (after the fact that you are a traveller) was that maybe you don’t smell as good as what you think you do ;) – you might still have to scrub “india” off ya!

            I too love to flirt and love meeting people, especially travellers, but even when I met a traveller several years ago on a trip and we really “fell” for each other – I still held reservations and didn’t go that “next step” because I’m not interested in someone liking me “temporarily” until next week when they are in a different country chatting up some other girl. Even I want to feel “special”.

            Everyone is different though, and I know a lot of women who are happy to have a bit of a fling with someone they are attracted to, even if they know its not going to ‘last’, but that’s just not for me.

            These days, I’m not interested in any man, and probably won’t be for years if at all (they all say that after a breakup though right?) Except, I’ve always been like that naturally, I like my independence and freeing up my life to do what I want to do.. & as soon as you bring someone else into the picture, you have to consider what they want as well and there goes your freedom lol.. I realize that sounds so selfish, but that’s where I’m at right now after sacrificing 4 years of no travel for my partner.

            I’m only interested in finding like-minded entrepreneurs and travellers to be friends with, because they are on the same path as me and because they are the most interesting types of people you can meet and hang-out with!

            As well as – although I prefer travelling by myself and hanging with the locals, and getting to know the local culture – sometimes it’s good to do things with other travellers as well – i.e sitting on a cruise ship by yourself on a table full of people who can’t understand a word your saying is not as enjoyable as spending the night chatting away with another traveller, etc.

    • Thanks so much for this, Jennie.

      Niall, wow, that’s what I call an answer to a just-occured-in-the-comments-question :)
      Still feeling uneasy about all this. I think I understand your intentions better now. But I would lie if I said I’m ok with it.
      And that’s NOT cause I’m expecting every chat between people being an interview for something “serious” (I like to play around myself, plus I don’t believe in monogamy, plus not even in the whole idea of “relationship” in the way this term is commonly used).

      But.

      Apart from not knowing if the girl’s really going home happy because nothing “serious” is going on -and yeah, that may happen a lot, see above, but not everytime?- , well, apart from that uncertain part of the theory that both of you are just having fun, no harm done: It’s all about this context of winning some”thing”, ergo of objectification, which I dislike.
      Seriously, some statements here (all by men, omg, I SO wonder why that is) are really pissing me of.
      No, girls/women are not walking, talking crashtest-dummies.
      Yes, you might actually hurt somebody. No, you can not be sure they’d tell you because that is not what people do all the time.

      That said, I do like your blog and I do raise my hat to you (er, is that really a valid translation? Sounds awfully German. Anyway.) for being that honest on the fucking internet.
      What came into mind while reading your posting:
      Are there no whatsoever alternatives to picking up girls in order to face your fears, which is a perfectly reasonable intention? Like, couldn’t you talk strangers into giving you a job as web designer or something? Or putting yourself in situations like Manuel is pointing out below?
      Maybe this sounds stupid, but you know what I mean.
      Obviously, this will depend on what your fears exactly are, which I don’t really know. Either I missed something(->middle of the night) or I couldn’t figure it out yet.
      I’m staying tuned…

      • Hey Stine, thanks for the comment.

        None of those alternatives you suggested could replace the fears/challenges I experience around women. It’s by far the scariest thing for me right now, nothing else really comes close.

        Well, maybe public speaking, but I plan to tackle that more in the future as well :-)

        • Okay, I see.
          Still not convinced. Good intentions are not always good, i.e., I believe you meaning no harm, still, you’re mentioning “girls” next to “money” like stuff to work on. It’s people we’re talking about here. Plus, the problematic I’ve outlined already (so did Jennie).

          This being what I am really serious about.

          The following only for the fun of discussion…

          How many women have you flirted with so far?
          Maybe behavioral self-therapy is not the only way – If I were you, I’d dig (that is, more, for I think/know you already do this) for the deeper reasons behind these fears.

          Or let me put it this way: supposed I was scared of hugging people, and I’d hugged literally (!) hundreds (!) of strangers to overcome this and I were still so. fataly. scared of hugging people that it remains my greatest fear, I would consider wether it’s time to change methods.

          • I totally agree with Stine.

            Niall – maybe a good alternate method would be to ask yourself why you want approval from women you don’t know and why it makes a difference to you whether you overcome the fear of seeking that approval or not. Then work on yourself from the inside out, not the outside in.

            I used to be really scared of talking to guys too, until I realized I actually wasn’t scared of talking to available guys who might possibly like me for who I was and wouldn’t get bored after the game wore off. I just had to get over my issues enough to recognize that available guys are attractive, too.

          • “It’s all about this context of winning some”thing”, ergo of objectification, which I dislike.”

            It’s never about winning the women, it’s about being honest with yourself and the woman. Niall had some intimate posts where he told them he was into them and it’s ultimately up to the girl to say yes or no to sex. If the woman wants to have some sexual fun too, then they have that right. If she says no, then both parties are clear in their intentions and they can move onto friendship or move on in general.

            You state: “Still not convinced. Good intentions are not always good, i.e., I believe you meaning no harm, still, you’re mentioning “girls” next to “money” like stuff to work on.”

            The external goal is better interactions with women and being honest with personal intentions. You’re not giving the girl the benefit of the doubt to say yes or no to what those intentions are.

          • “It’s all about this context of winning some”thing”, ergo of objectification, which I dislike.”

            That something would be his own inner victory of stating his feelings directly. It’s the internal reward of letting somebody else know what you think of them positively.

            He also wrote in the post 2-3 times that it was never about getting laid or winning.

          • Thanks to both of you for furthering the discussion and making me think. Believe me, I put a lot of thought into all this and second-guess myself regularly. I’m by no means convinced that my intentions or actions are or will be flawless, but I do the best I can and keep trying to learn from my mistakes. I sincerely believe my forays into all this stuff so far have been a net positive for me and everyone I’ve interacted with, and hopefully that will continue.

    • “It’s about developing intimacy with an available person despite your respective flaws.”

      Intimacy and commitment doesn’t have to be the same thing.

      Niall does his best to be honest and upfront about his intentions to have a fling. It’s also equally as much of a choice on the girl.

      It isn’t about learning “a game code” to get better with women. It’s about learning to interact with women better. If BOTH Niall and the girl want to have a intimate fling or non-intimate fling, that is their business.

      • @L
        Guess you’re not quite getting what I’m trying to say here (for example, and that’s just tip of the iceberg, objectification is NOT limited to a sexual context)…no offence, but I’m not in the mood to rephrase and explain again. As I got the impression that Niall is aware of what I’m talking about, it’s ok with me, however.

        @Niall:
        Jup, you’re welcome.
        Always appreciating your calm and sober replies :)

  6. There are three types of PUAs:

    * Type I: The ones who do it for love of the game. They love to come up with new tricks, theories, routines, etc. For them it becomes a matter of mastering all the intricacies and nuances of seduction, well beyond the point of achieving a satisfying sex life.

    * Type II: the ones who do it for the love of sex. The pick-up is just a side-effect to these cats, and they might as well hook up with an easy lay in their social circle (a “fool’s mate” in PU-speak) or take a jaunt to the aforementioned pleasure parlor.

    * Type III: the ones who do it for the sake of inner demons. To them, the pick-up is the mere vehicle of challenge, the particular level to be conquered on this particular plane of existence.

    Typically, a dude will be a combo. I am all three, for instance. I love to fuck, am fascinated by seduction, and have plenty of inner beasties to slay.

    Niall is probably a Type III with a heavy dollop of II. Aka a randy fearslayer. Put that on your business card, Niall.

  7. “I could list the transaction discreetly in my next finance report. Nobody would ever have to know.”

    Haha loved your awesome sense of humour Niall, as always :)

    I like how you pointed out that simply DOING something about your fears, or related to your personal development in general, brings things like money or women only as secondary rewards.

    The main, true reward is what you feel inside after you’d done it! That feeling that you’ve improved and have become a better version of yourself is awesome!

  8. Good post Niall,
    I never was really comfortable dating. But now I’m married, so it would be really inappropriate to experiment with that.

    However I really feel the same fear in pricing and asking my clients to pay me like you talk about in your video. I always work with people I respect deeply and whom I want to help. So it’s always a little weird when I send an invoice. I feel somewhere between a giant asshole and a homeless guy begging for money even if I know my work was good and the price was honest.

    It’s really interesting to experiment with that. Definitely different from having a salary coming to your bank account every 2 weeks whatever happens.

    Thank you for this post

    • Re: I always work with people I respect deeply and whom I want to help. So it’s always a little weird when I send an invoice.

      Me too, which is why I’m still in Australia and not yet travelling the world, too broke to pay the rent, let alone a plane ticket outta here, so that’s something I definitely need to work on – it’s especially uncomfortable when you send an invoice and your “friend” doesn’t pay – now what? lol.. I have a dilemma every time I send an invoice too.

      It helps having Freshbooks as then I can automatically send reminders and I can put “This is an automated message to remind you that your invoice is overdue” etc, it’s a little bit easier for me to have a system that does that painful follow-up process than having to call them about it.

      But I still haven’t mastered the pricing factor, I’ve always undercharged and still do, and looking for a way to earn money more passively (paying to “teach” them how to do it themselves via way of online courses) so that this part of the process can be eliminated and I can free up my life to travel.

        • I’ve got a book of his lol.. I’m a collector of information.. haven’t read it yet.. maybe I should actually open it up and have a read.. :) Thanks for the heads-up, I’ll check his site.. definitely need help in this area..

      • I totally understand the uncomfortable situation about having a friend who does not pay you. I actually never looked if I could set up a reminder to send invoices automatically with my accounting software. I would feel less guilty. Thanks for the suggestion.

  9. You wrote, “When I push my edge and stay true to myself, I go home happy.”

    That’s a great way to orient your expectations. Most of us only value the external result (girl, pay, win, praise, etc.). Your orientation is internal:

    How did I do?
    Did I leave anything in reserve?

    Given that humans are perpetually striving creatures, I’m curious to know if you feel you have “arrived” when it comes to any areas of your life.

  10. I love hearing about your girl adventures, Niall. Lot of gold wisdom here for folks.

    And…

    I’m not worried about you in the girl department… a man like you has more attractive power than diamonds… gonna be a lifetime of love.

    Now… about sex.

    I just want to speak to the part of you and all of us that does want to have sex. And would love to roll around in beds of beautiful ladies/dudes around the world. :)

    Yo… we are human.

    Sex is our strongest drive.

    It is our nature to want to have sex. AND aside from feeling fantastic… sexual pleasure can take us to some deep levels that fuel can everything our art, friendships, wisdom, and all aspects of our life.

    I’m not worried you are going to go abusing pleasure and get lost in it… like many have and do… which is probably why your readers are concerned (whoever touched the part of you that inspired this post).

    I know you aren’t like those AND that any woman you fuck… will be a better woman for it.

    In fact… we attract our equals… so a dude like you is going to be getting with some HOTTIES on all levels. :)

    Cheering you on and all your rockstar peeps on from here.

    Go play that game and fuck some people! :)

  11. What a great post! I share a similar sentiment regarding my fear of meeting new people. (I always feel like an awkward clutz). I’m a pretty quiet person, so this is something that I’ve been struggling with and trying to get over.

    “I knew I had to confront the fear head on.” I came to the same conclusion and try to purposefully put myself into situations that force me to interact with people. The fear fades if I keep pushing myself and put myself in situations where I have to make new friends and meet new people. It’s easy for that hesitancy, fear and anxiety to come back, so I’m constantly trying to push myself to see how I react to social situations.

    “The real reward is the person you become as you do battle with your fears, your insecurities, your limiting beliefs.” Now thats the ultimate reward! Good luck and keep on keepin on :)

  12. Oh, I also had a suggestion. You could get involved in activities where a majority of the participants are women. Try a cooking class, wine tasting or dance class. If you’re surrounded by a lot of ladies, maybe you’ll get more comfortable. Plus, if you’re the only guy there, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb and they’ll wonder “hmm..what’s he doing here? Let me go say hi.”

  13. Hey Nial I would check out The Blueprint from RSD (Tyler Durden), he’s a great life coach/pick-up artist, etc…

    don’t know if i can recommend buying anything as really you can Youtube RSD and learn tons of stuff for free.

    My friends and I go out almost every weekend to malls, campuses, etc… and talk to girls, sometimes we get numbers/dates etc.. sometimes we don’t…

    we have FUN either way, pickup is supposed to be fun, if you take yourself too seriously the girl won’t feel comfortable most of the time.

    JUST APPROACH! you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!

    also if you come out to Irvine, CA I’ll help you with girls if you help me start an online business so I can get passive or nearly passive income. :)

    Cheers, Ryan

    • Hey Ryan. Thanks for that. It will be a while before I get around to California, at least a couple of years methinks.

      And yeah, been checking out a lot of Tyler’s stuff on YouTube. Really digging it. So much of it applies beyond women/dating/relationships.

      And I hear you on the fun thing, too. My best interactions have always been when I was focused more on having fun than trying to make an impression. Need to keep that in mind more.

  14. Re: I’d also like to hear from more women in the comments.

    Niall, something that has often confused me is that my friends who seem to have no luck dating, are those most focused on their prospective date being “cute”/”beautiful.”

    I’ve wondered sometimes if they don’t feel confident in their own inner/outer beauty, and if they are depending on dating someone they consider beautiful to affirm that they themselves are attractive? I know I have done that in the past.

    It’s very odd when they talk about men/women. It feels so objectifying. And they keep people at more than an arm’s distance that way. I have a good girlfriend and a good guy friend who are like this. I get a real feeling of heebie-jeebies when then talk about their objects of desire. It’s as if they’re so busy looking for a type, that they’ve lost their curiosity about the people themselves.

    I have no idea if this will speak to you, but the way you describe the objects of your desire often has a similar feeling to me.

    I wonder if it would help to let all that go for a while, and focus on being really curious about people? And, let yourself be drawn to people who seem super curious about you. I’ve noticed people LOVE talking to people who are super attentive and curious about them. In life, you seem supremely curious, but you don’t come across as very curious about friends or prospective girlfriends. Maybe I’m wrong about this? Feel free to let me know.

    Also, I wonder if you’ve thought a lot about what really makes people sexy? Some people have really limited ideas about what that is. In my own dating experience, chemistry has played heavily, but also a huge part (on both sides) seems to be about who the person IS. And how we connect, emotionally and intellectually.

    I hope my husband won’t mind me saying so, but I think you have a lot of sexiness. You’re passionate, brilliant, original, curious, adventurous, vulnerable. I’m not sure if you realize that women see and respond to that.

    • Thanks for the compliments, Laila :-)

      I do think you have me wrong though. I would count myself as being supremely curious about women, and not just those who are physically stunning. I know exactly what you mean about a person being sexy not because of how they look, but because of who they are and how they carry themselves.

      I’ve met and approached a lot of beautiful women since I started traveling almost 15 months ago, probably close to a thousand at this stage, but I can still count on one hand how many of them I found myself really, deeply attracted to, way beyond the physical.

      I think a large part of it is a numbers game though. You have to know what turns you on, sure, but you also have to put yourself out there in front of lots of potential partners to see who measures up.

      Also, you wrote that many women would find me (or any other guy) sexy for the reasons you listed. I agree, but it’s hard for us guys to relax and let those parts of ourselves shine without having a lot of experience being around attractive women. Our default response when there’s a pretty girl nearby is to tense up, say something stupid, and trip over our own feet. Takes a while to lose that nervousness. I still succumb to it regularly.

  15. Niall,

    It’s always admirable to see how you open up to your audience. It’s great.

    As far as the girl department is concerned:

    I think you’re too busy convincing these girls, or at least yourself, that you’re not in it for the sex. You need to accept that sex is an integral part of seeking companionship. So do not ignore it or pretend you don’t take care about it.

    The solution is to be opposite (not saying run around with your zipper down) but be okay with wanting sex. Now, that being said, sex alone shouldn’t be a motivator and you’d want to enjoy nice conversations, doing fun things outside the bed, and all that other stuff. However, the more you tell yourself that you’re not doing it for sex, the more you are going to end up looking like you, in fact, are.

    You’re a dude who has seen the world. Girls love those stories. Highlight the travel’ed’ part but never reveal where you’re heading next too soon into the conversation or relationship. As soon as you say, “Hey, been to 20 countries, now I wanna travel to 6 more by NYE. By the way, I like you. You wanna go out sometime?” the one-night-stand alarm goes off. Plus you’re travelling through some of the most conservative parts of the world.

    That’s just my 2-cents. Hope you’re enjoying every bit of this process. I have a feeling you’ll be laughing about it very soon ;)

    Cheers,

    Amit

    • Hey Amit,

      Thanks for the comment. I didn’t mean to give the impression that I’m not in it for the sex. That’s definitely a big part of it. Sex is great, I’m a big fan. And I’m perfectly okay with wanting it, though rarely at the expense of a good night’s sleep these days (seriously).

      The point I maintain though is that sex isn’t the biggest motivator for me when it comes to this stuff. If I was just looking to get laid, there are far less stressful and time-consuming ways I could do it.

  16. Niall: Hah! Well no one can fault you for lacking a “work ethic.” That’s a lot of women you’re talking to. I can see what you mean about letting yourself shine. I suppose many of us struggle with that, in all sorts of situations. I believe your tenacity and charm will make you victorious!

  17. yeah!i like this one dude..
    its like that.. well, if you leave your fear and also win the girl, feels great to have the girl!!no one can say thats not true! hahah.. but if you dont try, you go home regreting so much, bc you are wondering about her answer..
    but when i get a NO, who cares man.. i did what i want, already know her answer, no regretful feelings, go home, sleep good.. and then you have another day coming to ask and find a YES..
    thats my point of view

  18. I sometimes wonder why we have this fear of approaching women. Are we conditioned to feel this way? It definitely isn’t helping anyone, male or female.

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone was more comfortable around the opposite sex and people in general? More honesty could take place, people could really build with each other more. Everyday things could be deeper. Relationships could be deeper too.

    Looks like Niall is just confronting a fear that holds a lot of people back at times(myself included). It seems like this is about being honest and comfortable in your own skin as much as it is about talking to women.

    I’m right there with you in this Niall. Thanks for the inspiration buddy!

    J