Disrupting the Rabblement

It’s cooler than usual, almost pleasant this Bangkok evening. We wander through quiet side streets, headed nowhere in particular.

You ask if I’ve ever been in love.

I stay silent for a few, reminiscing, until it dawns on me that my answer must be no if I have to think so long about it.

I tell you that I’ve felt as if more than once, but the feeling never lasted long, so I hesitate to count those memories as the real deal.

You notice how quiet this street is, peaceful even. Almost inaudible is the hum of a highway somewhere in the distance, a sound barely eclipsed by families going about their lives in the homes we pass by. Children are laughing. No dogs are barking.

I ask if you’ve ever heard of M. Scott Peck. You tell me no.

He was an American psychiatrist, I begin, wrote a book called The Road Less Traveled. I remember he wrote about love beyond lust. Far beyond. He saw real love as that deep respect and caring that lasts long after the sparks have subsided, your partner as your very best friend, someone whose company you still crave after many years together. Of course, he ended up cheating on his wife, but I don’t consider his message diminished just because he failed to live it.

We turn right at an old furniture store. It’s still open at this hour, for social reasons if nothing else. The elderly gents out front pay us little attention, engrossed as they are in their card game. Just beyond is a street-side eatery with steel tables and plastic chairs. A plump woman cooks at a cart for customers unseen.

I share a story I heard recently, about an old man who was in a hurry to leave his medical appointment, telling the doctor he had to go visit his wife at the nursing home. Knowing that the old man’s wife had severe Alzheimer’s, the doctor asked gently if she still remembered her husband. The old man bowed his head and replied that she didn’t, then looked up at the doctor with a quiver in his chin and a gleam in his eye. “But I still remember her.”

The story hangs in the air for a minute as we walk on. I catch myself wishing that there were more parks in this city, those of the small and unassuming kind, waiting to be discovered on rambles such as this. A secret garden for every 7-Eleven. That would be nice.

I ask if you’ve ever heard of Errol Flynn, and you haven’t.

I tell you that he was a famous Hollywood actor in the 30′s and 40′s. I read his autobiography last year, a fascinating read. He was very much a womanizer — the term “in like Flynn” is part of his legacy — and he concluded after trying and failing several times to be monogamous that he simply wasn’t wired to be a one-woman man. His tales of sex and romance are the stuff of legend, enough to make a male reader wonder if monogamy really is the best policy. But then you learn that he drank himself to death a half century deep while lacking any real love in his life.

We cross over a canal as teens go by in twos and threes. Shacks line the waterway in both directions, dimly lit and speaking in creaks. The water shimmers green, a beautiful scene with an unpleasant scent. I imagine the people living here pay little attention to either.

I guess what I’m trying to get across to you is this. I’m pretty sure that the real, deep love Peck wrote about is one of the peak experiences of a human life. And I think it would be a damn shame to die having never known such a love first-hand.

But to answer your question… no, I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love. I’ve never stuck with one girl long enough to have a shot at it.

You notice that there’s no moon out tonight. But we can still see some stars.

New finance report is up! Get access below to see exactly how much I earned and spent in April. Pretty sure it was the most expensive month I’ve had in a while, but I managed to keep my earnings up near personal-best levels, too.

*** Explanatory bit for new readers / skip this if you know the dealio ***

I quit my 9-to-5 job in November of 2010 and I’m currently transitioning into sustainable self-employment. The plan is to earn the majority of my income online so I can travel indefinitely and work from anywhere with an internet connection, like a geeky Jason Bourne.

One of my main goals with this blog is to lay down a blueprint so others can learn from my journey and achieve their own freedom.

The biggest problem with leaving 9-to-5 is giving up the steady paycheck that comes with it. You’ll often have to endure a few lean months before you begin to see real money trickle in from your entrepreneurial ventures. Late last year I began to earn a decent living via freelance web design, and now I’ve moved on from that to explore other online business opportunities. I’ll reveal exactly what that process is like and how I make it work, while also sharing with you how much my lifestyle costs and how I afford it.

Three quick notes to help you understand how I track everything:

1. I round my expenses up and my earnings down. The idea here is that I’ll be left with a few extra Euros at the end of each month and I can go buy myself a a nice tub of hummus, or something.
2. Earnings don’t count until the money is in my bank account or the cash is in my hand.
3. I record what I spend and earn each day in a spreadsheet on Google Docs, or just on paper if I don’t have Internet access. I try to track absolutely everything.

*** End of explanatory bit ***

These finance reports are available exclusively to my email subscribers. Same deal with my monthly traffic reports. To get access, enter your email address in the box below (click here if you don’t see it).

• If you’re not yet a subscriber, you’ll have to confirm your address by checking your inbox and clicking a link I send to you.
• If you’re already a subscriber, simply enter your email address again, hit submit, and you’ll be taken immediately to a full list of my finance reports and some other fantasticness. Don’t worry, you won’t be double subscribed.

Just to be clear: By entering your email address above, you’re signing up to receive email updates from me. That means whenever I post something on the blog, you’ll be notified via email. I may also send out a rare message that doesn’t appear on the blog. You’ll be able to unsubscribe at any time via a link at the bottom of each email.

16.

An old man on an old bike. He was wearing a cap, his face straight from a cartoon, crossing the road in slow motion. Somehow he was oblivious to me bearing down on him at 100 kmph. I can’t remember if I slowed down or sped up. I shifted my weight left and blew by within six inches of his front tire. Just beyond I clipped another bike crawling along the shoulder and registered the sound of cracked glass.

17.

Where to from here? Pretty sold on the idea of visiting China for a few months once my Thai visa expires in June. But until then… I’m caught between Bangkok and Chiang Mai. I’ll need to choose one or the other, and soon. I think about the advice I offered a reader earlier today: if you have trouble choosing between two options, might as well just flip a coin and go with it. It’s only when the sides are mismatched does a decision come easy.

18.

I’ll crack this fashion nut eventually, looking forward to the day I’ll feel at ease throwing on any item from my minimal wardrobe. I’ve come quite a long way in Bangkok, learning from well dressed chaps such as Peach, Middleton and Ward. Today I splashed out on three shirts, all patterned to mask the inevitable sweat patches this city evokes. Dude at the store showed me how to roll up my sleeves just right. It’s a hundred little things.

19.

Two weeks, no exercise. Time to get back at it. Steps again. Forty flights. I’d never beaten the six minute mark, and I didn’t expect to this morning with my walking pace. And yet there I was reaching the summit within a half dozen. How did that happen? I always figured tabata sprints would get me there faster. They do deliver a better workout perhaps, but slow and steady wins the race.

20.

It’s approaching midnight as I freshen up in the restroom of the Happy Times Bar. Two attendants approach from the rear with nothing more than a sawadee-khrap and move their hands quickly to my shoulders. I don’t freak out, having heard from a friend of these pouncing restroom masseurs. I walk out a minute later and seventy baht lighter, but with a loose neck and a wide grin. Happy times indeed.

The Happy Times Bar in Bangkok, home of the Ronan Keating International Appreciation Society

21.

Abandoned skyscraper, redux. Half-assed security accept 200 baht a head, but that only buys us passage to the eighth floor. Stairways are barricaded from there and they refuse to unlock the gates, even amid more bribe offers. We figure they don’t want to risk trouble with the authorities, until we meet two farang coming down from the top just before nightfall. Why allow them and not us? Because we’re in Thailand, where 2 + 2 often equals cabbage.

22.

I feel overdressed. Most of the guys here are sporting shorts, flip flops and beer bellies. The girls are in much better shape and much less attire. I head upstairs and walk around, on the lookout for a good spot. Voices coo and fingers reach for me as I pass curtained entryways and barstooled ladyboys. Everything and everyone has taken on a red hue. I stop and snap photos for two young Korean dudes with smiles like Disneyland.

23.

We bump into each other moving through the crowd at the Thao Mahaprom Shrine. We’ve only met once before, but the recognition is mutual. Smiles are exchanged and we chat for a bit. Somehow the conversation advances quickly to love lives. She’s not having much luck. “I want a man who won’t try to change me,” she says. “They always want to change me.” I tell her she’s fine just the way she is, but I’m not sure I believe it.

24.

We sit across the street at a high table and watch him through blurs of break dancers. Bald and wrinkled, sipping a glass of red, dressed like a gent. He’s got a slow motion smile and a gleam in his eye. Occasionally he leans forward and stuffs a royal face in the underwear of the girl pole dancing before him, a girl young enough to be his great-granddaughter. I sit and I watch and all the while I’m thinking: I hope that’s not me in fifty years. I hope I’m better than that.

25.

Just got off a Q&A session with Cody McKibben and his DNA crew. I think I’ve gotten a lot better with that type of stuff, interviews and the like. Toastmasters and the video blogs have definitely helped with storytelling and articulation. And my confidence has grown over time. Nowadays I feel that I actually have some good, practical insights to share when it comes to travel and self-employment.

Sleaze-fest at Nana Plaza in Bangkok

26.

I head downstairs to the second floor, poolside, to the water vending machine. I pop in too much change and fill up six bottles. I always try to leave a little extra credit in the machine. I never hang around to see how the next visitor responds to the surprise, but I like to think it brightens their day a little, to know there are people roaming around dropping random gifts for the benefit of strangers. I hope I leave this world like I leave that vending machine.

27.

It’s 3:30 a.m. as I crouch in an aisle, trying to arrive at a good decision. Wings, no wings, scented, unscented, thin, long, cupped, organic, hypoallergenic? Fucking hell. And I thought us guys had it tough choosing a razor. After a minute’s deliberation I opt for a couple of packages that don’t look like they’ve been designed by blind men. At the counter I meet curious eyes above a mouth that announces, “For lady.” I nod in agreement. “Yes. For lady.”

28.

“It stopped raining.” Sunday-morning drowsy on the couch, I look over as she steps out to the balcony and note how my shirt looks much better on her. I watch hair, back and legs for a long moment as Nina Simone sings about her poor heart not made of wood. Before it’s even done unfolding, I recognize the scene as one I’ll recall with clouded edges and a warm fondness for a long time to come.

29.

It’s weird. Barely a hint of hesitation slapping down a few hundred for an iPhone or a GoPro, while splashing out serious money for a personal trainer gives me pause. Most likely, you’d flinch, too. But why? Isn’t our physical well-being worthy of significant investment, of both the monetary and time varieties? I have to remind myself regularly that gadgets come and go, but I only get one body. Maintenance isn’t optional.

30.

We sit and chat at a Lebanese restaurant, likely our last meal together. She leaves Bangkok in less than 24 hours. As per usual, much of our conversation revolves around her troubled situation. Born into a religion she didn’t choose and a nationality she can’t excuse, she’s left with a family intolerant, a passport unwelcome, a dream destroyed. I can’t help but think that her world is a vampire. What have you got, when you feel the same?

Looking out from the Sathorn Unique abandoned skyscraper in Bangkok

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“Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it.” – From the movie, We Bought A Zoo

A couple weeks back I sent out the call to my mailing list to send me stories of their Random Acts of Courage. It’s been over two years since the original RAoC project and I still hear regularly from people who were inspired to stretch their own comfort zone and reap the rewards.

Hopefully the nine stories below will help drive home the lesson that all it usually takes is a few seconds of courage to make a huge difference in your life.

Hand-made, stage-ready

From Robert in England:

There I was, social recluse, standing on a stage before a hundred people, ocarina in hand. It was my first time playing in public and I was terrified. No friends, no support.

Several months prior I had committed to escaping my social prison, discovering this unusual instrument of pure sound. I had learned how to play, seeking confidence through performance.

And now here I was on stage, stood frozen by fear for what felt like an eternity. Eventually I raised the instrument to my lips and started playing. With my nerves jangling, mistakes where flying everywhere. But I kept going, keeping time as best I could.

When finally my performance came to an end, the response was overwhelming. The whole crowd was applauding and cheering for me, the social recluse. What’s more, folks where approaching me, curious about my unusual instrument. I told them an ocarina is a ceramic flute from 19th century Italy. I told them how I had made mine with my own hands. Their interest grew.

That was my first experience of playing in public. In the year since I’ve had many more performances. My social confidence has developed greatly and I’ve made some awesome friends along the way.

The people who tell you not to hitchhike

From Sam in Belgium:

I’ve been in love with hitchhiking ever since a long-term American traveler showed me the ropes in Sardinia, 3 years ago. I love the feelings of anticipation and exploration that it gives me. Above all, what’s really cool to me is that drivers, knowing they’ll never see you again, often use you as some sort of outlet and randomly tell you really private things, you get a very real connection with people.

I’d hitchhiked in a bunch of European countries, but when I went over to the States for 2,5 months there was such an incredible sense of paranoia and stigma attached to it that for a while, I was wondering if it might be better to just forget about it. However, in my heart I knew something that made me just go for it: none of the people who tell you not to hitchhike have ever hitchhiked. It’s completely baseless.

So me and my girlfriend ended up hitchhiking like crazy through Massachusetts and North & South Carolina! We were repeatedly approached by southern cops who literally told us stuff like “I don’t wanna get no phone call sayin’ y’all been found in a ditch” and “these are the projects, these people will rob you and leave you with nuthin’.” In the end, we had a fucking incredible time and met some of the most hilarious characters ever.

Quitting and stealing

From Teresa in the US:

When I was 23 I worked for a grocery chain, The Grand Union Company. I worked in the main offices in Waterford, NY. I used to get poked in the back of the head by the candy buyer. Guy was a jackass if ever there was one. He used to say to me, “You’re gonna go grey in this chair. You’re gonna die working here.” He pissed me off so much that after a few months of putting up with that, I walked myself down to the BIG BOSS’ office and put in my two weeks notice. Then, I went into that little town near where I lived and rented a small space and opened up my own pet salon! Although I didn’t remain in that little rental space for too long, I owned my own pet salon for 27 years.

In my later twenties I climbed a fence and stole a dog that was tied on a 3 foot rope for days and days and days with no food or water. I watched this house like a hawk on a mouse. Finally, after almost a week and a half, when no one was home, and they rarely were anyway, I climbed the fence, cut the rope, slipped a leash on the poor baby and back over the fence I went. I had someone interested in this puppy and they gave him the best home.

Porn = cat breath

From Joshu in the Netherlands:

I would spend hours browsing through endless free porn websites. It became a familiar part of my daily routine. Afterwards, I usually felt a mix of guilt, shame, a sense of disgust and loneliness. My head spins if I imagine all the stuff I could have learned or trained if I had devoted these daily 15-odd minutes to something else, like guitar practice.

About a year ago, Gary Wilson’s TED-talk “The Great Porn Experiment” inspired me to try and quit. I didn’t want to continue conditioning my Pavlov to plastic bodies and unreal expectations of sexual encounters. I wanted my freedom back.

So I took the leap and published it on my blog. There it was, open to see for the whole word, but most importantly my friends and family. I can recall my heart thumping after pressing the “publish” button.

But going public and ending the silent struggle with myself was a very powerful step in the right direction.

Yet, I still haven’t completely gotten rid of it. The urge comes easy for someone who spends a lot of time online.

I’ve just started my latest attempt about a month ago, and who knows maybe I’ll fail again. But quitting strong habits like this requires patience with oneself.

Putting a wager on bad habits has worked incredibly well for me. To be more precise, I have an agreement with my brother, to consume a big spoon of cat food for every time that I watch porn.

Pretty disgusting, agreed. But it does the trick.

Never quit; get laid off

From Sam in the US:

After 13 consecutive years working in Corporate America, I decided to take a leap of faith and go out on my own in 2012. It took three years of writing on Financial Samurai and more than a year of planning my exit before I decided to make the move. I encourage everybody to get laid off rather than quit. If you get laid off you get healthcare (COBRA) and a potential nice severance package depending on how long you’ve been with the firm. My severance package has enabled me to survive for years without income, which is nice since entrepreneurship is a fickle business.

It’s been a year since I took that leap of faith and I’m very glad I did. You don’t need as much money as you think to be happy. You also get super motivated to succeed on your own once you no longer have a job. Being able to focus on your own endeavors is wonderful because of the correlation between effort and results. I plan to take entrepreneurship one year at a time.

Freedom fighter

From Momekh in Pakistan:

I think my act of courage that I have reaped the most benefit from was 12 years ago.

That was when I took my family in confidence (I was starting college back then) and told them that I don’t want to live a life that you guys have planned for me, but I want to try out something else.

That one act lead to me refusing job offers left, right and center and it lead me to live a life I am, by God’s Grace, happy to live. When things get tough – as they do sometimes, nay, as they MUST sometimes – I have considered giving up. But find nothing better to give this up for.

Now I am writing an eBook on this, already get tons of emails from people and friends asking for “advice” and am scheduled to be interviewed on the largest television network, for my “life of adventure”.

And I keep hoping that every “random” act is just the beginning of something much bigger, something much more meaningful. It has been so far.

Gay in Uganda

From Rory elsewhere:

Just after my 19th Birthday in 2011, I went to Uganda to travel alone. I went there because of, at the time, recent press regarding it to be the ‘worst place in the world to be gay’. I am gay and I wanted to check it out for myself.

Sometimes you fail, and that’s okay

From Frank in Germany:

I found my perfect job in November 2012. Knowing that I wanted to help people find their inner motivation and right career path, I was hired as a counselor and job scout by a social facility that cares for the older unemployed.

Okay, so perhaps the job wasn’t exactly “perfect.” I neglected to mention that I was taking a 70% pay cut compared to my previous salary, and this with a wife and two young daughters at home. But I was absolutely sure that it was the right move.

After only two or three weeks on the job I recognized that I was losing respect for some of my clients; they obviously didn’t want to find work, no matter what exciting job offers I found for them. My colleagues seemed able to live with this fact, but it didn’t fit into the idealistic social work picture I had drawn years before. Trying to help people who resisted help was not what I had dreamed of. I also began to miss the freedom of my old IT job, where I had control over my calendar and got to travel quite a bit. And, I have to admit, I missed the money. I had been prepared to give up a lot of luxury, but not for work that proved so unfulfilling. I was further away from dreams than ever.

After eight weeks I decided to quit. Not knowing what to do next, I fell into a really deep depression. I was lucky though that I had a financial cushion that would keep me afloat for the best part of a year. After three months and a lot of thinking and desperation I decided to republish my old web portal I had once created for my own counselling business. My plan is now to develop this to the best German counselling portal in the web. Combined with my own counselling services I see a valid business model for the next months. With this plan in mind I regained my power, my creativity and happiness at work.

This is not a story with a neat and tidy happy ending. At least not yet. But I think it’s important to acknowledge that you can fail after leaving your comfort zone and that some unexpected things can hit you. But more important is the lesson that you can always pick yourself up and find an alternative, no matter how hard you get hit or how deep your depression may be. I keep following my heart against these resistances and it feels right.

Opportunity is taking a chance

From Matt in California:

A beautiful atmospheric aura came through me as I walked past this girl. Feeling uncertain and awe-inspired, I was extremely nervous. I calmed myself down by looking at the time on my phone. I knew I would regret missing this opportunity if I didn’t take the chance.

I caught up to her looking at all the cookies at the cafeteria. I told her everything how it is.

If I told her how I felt, I would honor that beautiful aura.

She was listening to music on her headphones so I motioned her to remove them.

“I found you really interesting so I wanted to talk to you.”

She reacted with a little state of shock but utter excitement. She laughed so happily. That is one of my favorite memories out of all of the risk-taking that I did with social skydiving.

Comments are all yours

Got your own tales of courage to share? Let’s hear them in the comments.

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