The Upside of Shyness (or Whatever You’re Struggling With)
Can’t see the video? Click here.
As you may know, I used to suffer from some pretty bad social anxiety. I was the shyest person I knew all the way up until my mid-twenties, before I finally knuckled down and worked to overcome it. Nowadays I love chatting to strangers and rarely get anxious in social situations.
For a long time I considered my shyness to be something of a curse, but now I’m actually grateful that none of my social skills came naturally. When I meet others who are struggling with shyness I like to suggest that they adopt a similar perspective.
Why should you be thankful for your shyness? Here are three reasons:
1) Your shyness is a challenge. When you work at it and overcome it, you gain confidence that you can overcome pretty much anything. The experience makes you stronger and more self-assured.
2) Once you overcome shyness, you appreciate just how cool it is to be able to speak comfortably in front of a crowd, or successfully hit it off with that attractive stranger at the bar. Naturally confident and outgoing folks are likely to take such moments for granted.
3) Most important of all: Once you beat shyness, you’re in a great position to help other people do the same. A naturally confident guy won’t be able to help a shy kid as much as you can. Because you’ve actually been there. You can relate, share, and serve as an inspirational example.
Shyness is just one example here. Reframing can work for many other things. You simply choose to view challenges as opportunities. Look beyond your current struggle and imagine all the good that can come from the experience. Yeah, you’ll still have to dig deep and work your ass off to get where you want to go, but there’s no need to feel cursed along the way.
Tell me: What are you lucky enough to be struggling with right now?
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P.S. For a great example of reframing, check out this post by Jack Bennett over at thirty two thousand days.
My struggle: trying to figure out what to do with my life.
The upside: I have tried many new things in my quest, including playing piano, learning a new language, reading a lot of books, and interacting with a lot of awesome bloggers (including more than one crazy Irishmen).
While I believe I have found what I want to spend my life on, and it’s something that can play with my many interests, I will continue to try new things and expand who I am.
Thanks for that, Matt.
You know, I sometimes wonder if some of us just aren’t meant to settle down and devote our lives to one thing. There’s a lot to be said for dedication and mastery, and I used to consider myself a little too scattered and fickle, but I’ve learned to embrace that side of myself. Maybe some day I’ll settle into something more consistent, but until then I plan to enjoy jumping between many different interests
I’m lucky enough to be struggling with resistance to schoolwork as I start off my college career. I feel pretty bad that I’m not as productive with my study habits as I once was, but then again, so many people don’t even get a chance to go to college. And plus, it’s a good motivator to know that I must get through this resistance, if I want to achieve some of my bigger goals.
Thanks, Niall!
Josh Lipovetsky
PS: Loved the beginning of the video when you showed the clip of you trying to record the video in the wind. Great video transitions, too!
Thanks, Josh! I used to have some serious resistance to studying, too. I wish now that I’d focused more on building good study habits that would serve me beyond school, rather than focusing on how much I hated certain subjects
I love how you’re reframing the challenge for yourself. Keep at it!
And thanks for the kind words about the video. I have iMovie to thank for the transitions. Drag, drop, done
This was exactly the re-framing I needed. Thanks for that.
I’ve been worried that my shyness will get in the way of connecting with others.
But I’ll keep this as motivation and inspiration when I need a boost!
I’m excited for you man! RTW trip soon!
Thanks, Matt!
Funny, I keep your blog as motivation and inspiration for when I need a boost
Thanks for the shout-out!
It’s true isn’t it, that working hard to overcome something – a challenge, a limitation, an obstacle – helps you appreciate the value of what you’ve got? Much less likely to take something for granted when you’ve fought for it, and really ‘earned’ it.
I think those of us who are students of personal growth are much more likely to collide with our limitations and boundaries. Because we burn through the easy stuff quickly, we’re more likely to encounter our toughest obstacles and biggest challenges…
Cheers, Jack.
I’m with you on that. Most people are happy to stay within their comfort zone and accept their “limitations.” It’s the oddballs like us who refuse to settle and end up hitting those boundaries. We get pretty good at busting through them though
Love your positive outlook on things and your willingness to inspire others
A personal curse could become a blessing for others.
I’m always ‘struggling’ with things like finding and pursuing the deeper meaning of life, scheduling my days efficiently, relaxing & enjoying my time and yes, I’ve also had my share of social anxiety. My ability to inspire others is one of the things that get me out of bed in the morning. Ahh, the getting up is a whole challenge in itself
Smiling at the ‘yay-shyness’ URL
Methinks you’re doing pretty well managing all those things, Esther. Thanks for noticing the URL
Hi Niall,Thanks For the post.
What I struggle with most is the daily challenge of overcoming pessimism and my lack of self confidence.
Id like to start a blog of my own someday but have been somewhat plagued with negative thoughts, thoughts like who would really want to listen to what I have to say etc?
I have found that I have used and been using these two personality traits to avoid making positive changes in my life.
I have always been consumed with self doubt and have been clouded with pessimistic thoughts which in turn have seriously affected my outlook on life.
Things get to a point where enough is enough and the years of struggling have to come to an end so that you can finally start living your life on your terms and not those of that devil on your shoulder.
Another thing I have trouble with is the ability to let my guard down and this problem originates from fear, fear of vulnerability and weakness .Sadly building walls around your life can be incredibility isolating when the beautiful truth is we all experience the same emotions weather that be of love or sorrow.
This fact when fully realised is the most enlighten and enriching truth of all, we really are all in this together. The purest form of motivation can come from others upon that realisation and promote a better sense of unity and positivity.
Knocking down the walls around you can be overwhelming and frightening; I have avoided doing so simply for the reason of familiarity and that deep fear of the unknown. Sometimes our own depression can be addictive and offer us a false sense of security but it’s important not to let those feelings and thoughts of “ though miserable, this is who I am and I’m safe here” creep in.
Negativity can consume us ruthlessly and the harder we fall the harder it is to convince yourself you can get back up, but we have to.
The transition of deep depression to a place of positivity and optimism can be massively over powering, that is why I find its important not to be scared of by the demands of that transition.
The best things in life don’t come easy and are worth fighting for.
Pessimism and self doubt like most things begin with the “snow ball effect” but so can optimism.
It’s all about making little changes day by day to achieve that greater goal. The expectation that you can change overnight is frankly unrealistic so don’t beat yourself up about it, get real and show yourself some understanding and compassion.
Awakening to the problems and difficulties in your life comes with responsibility and determination. Determination not to accept a life you don’t love.
Let’s face it there’s never gonna be times where we don’t have issues that need addressing but maybe through personal development and understanding we can alter how we responded to those challenges and that’s the most important thing.
Niall: You have a mountain of ideas within that comment alone, plenty there to start your blog with
Don’t worry about who’s reading or not reading. Just be the best you can be. You’ll also find that blogging regularly helps you figure out your own thoughts and feelings on a whole host of subjects.
Cheers!
I used to be the same as you mate and I almost get annoyed when people tell me “I don’t understand because I am so confident.”
As harsh as it sounds, shyness is just an excuse to not do something or strive. I know it’s not easy, but people must be willing to at least trying to change. Hope that wasn’t too preachy – you just really struck a chord
Not too preachy, man. I agree with you. The big problem for people trying to overcome shyness is the lack of support. It’s easy to shake our heads or laugh at someone who tries to face a fear and fails, than it is to congratulate them on their courage and urge them to keep trying.
Cheers!
Very much agreed, especially in this begrudging nation!
While shyness *is* an excuse (and ultimately, it comes down to fear) our brains are REALLY good at convincing us that shyness is actually NOT an excuse.
Our brains tell us in this soothing, calming voice that being shy is okay and we don’t need to be bold and take risks anyway. After all, this is our brains job – it’s there to keep us safe and avoid danger. We’ve made it 200,000+ years for a reason! Our brain is damn good at it’s job!
But really, our brain is there to prevent us from a *life threatening* danger. NOT to prevent us from walking in to a crowded room and greeting the first person we see.
It’s our job to tune our brain so that it can tell the difference between ‘OH SHIT A LION IN MY BATHROOM’ and ‘OH NO I HAVE TO TALK TO A STRANGER’
Of course, it’s easier said than done, but I do enjoy a good challenge. =)
I struggle against my shyness every day. I still didn’t get the momentum and I feel like every day I have to start again fighting. I guess for me, my shyness is like the bad penny, it always turns up!
I never thought that being so shy had a bright side, now I can see it, but I’m not in that point where I can help other people to beat it, since I haven’t beaten it myself yet. I’m working on it, though and haven’t lost hope yet, moreover I feel pretty confident and positive lately!
Thank youuu!
Thanks for the comment, María.
I’ve just been thinking of the parallels between overcoming shyness and learning a new language. It’s really awkward and slow progress at first, but after a while you get the hang of it. As long as you keep working at it, you get over that hump eventually and then everything flows easier.
Hope you’ve been talking to plenty of strangers on you trip
I have struggled with shyness all my life. It comes and goes now a days. It is one of the main stumbling blocks to me really going all out to break into writing as a living. I love both reading and writing, keeping a journal, is a passion for me that I started on the road and have faithfully maintained. I write a chapter or two for my book then think, who will read this.
But because of you and many others providing great inspiration and encouragement I keep on working at it. My next attempt will be a blog. Just have to find the right name for it. Any hoo, thanks for this great post, as always. Finding your web site has been a real gift to me. Thanks for all you do.
Michael
Thanks, Michael. That means a lot. And you know, I had those same doubts and fears when I started blogging. And I still have them I guess, just not as strong as they were. Action tends to settle the nerves
Keep on writing!
Hi Niall,
Acabo de llegar en españa y lo está probando un poco dificil para me acostumbrar al ambiente nuevo. No estoy seguro lo cómo funcionará exacto pero siempro tengo que esperar que todo será bien y no tengo miedo de nada.
He estado aqui por menos como un día solamente y he tuve algún problemas con la lengua. Principalmente que la gente habla demasiado rapido para mi a comprender.
El conversación entre Matt y tú, y el tema que habeís estado hablando sobre es compartido con yo tambien.
Muchas gracias, Will. Es difícil al principio, pero seguir trabajando y hablaras con fluidez muy pronto
Buena suerte, mi amigo!
Something I used to really struggle with was social ineptitude. I was a bit of shut in as a child ( video games can do that to kids, especially if they are introverts like I am! ) So when I was older, I was completely socially clueless and basically had to learn the rules of interaction the hard way as I’d missed out on the easy way.
It has something that I have to work on for a very long time. I have had to let go of limiting beliefs, mess things up bad, do some really stupid things ( including one where I’m honestly surprised I never got reported to the guards or viciously assaulted in retaliation for my actions by other people – It was THAT bad! ) face some arrogant people along the way. All the while I was getting more and more clued into how the people interacted with each other.
I guess the hardest part of all was finally accepting myself for who I am. I will always have strange quirks in social situations, be it laughing really loudly or falling asleep in the middle of a video game tournament because of sleep deprivation! I’ve just learned to accept those quirks and make a joke about them, best way to cope.
I appreciate the little things more these days as a result. I appreciate being actually being respected for who I am by my peers and the people who give me the time of day probably don’t realize how much I appreciated it. I also feel more at peace with myself within. Before, it felt like I was constantly at war with myself like it was a great internal struggle going on but I’m past that now.
I’ve still got much to learn but I don’t care, the more I learn, the better a person it will make me. I see it as a journey, with its ups and downs and might as well as just enjoy the ride!
That’s the stuff, Adrian! Getting past that internal struggle part is huge. I was there for a long time myself. When the fog clears and you start appreciating the journey that you’re on, life is pretty damn cool.
And I couldn’t agree more with you as regards sense of humor about your quirks. It’s remarkable how other people tend to be as uncomfortable with you as you are with yourself. Once you learn to go with the flow and laugh off whatever potential embarrassments come your way, the majority of the people you interact with will follow suit.
More power to ya!
Reframing is such a powerful thing. I’ve actually got a post coming up about how to use it to remove negative influences from your life.
The key is to use reframing to move yourself forward in a positive way. I’ve unfortunately seen many people use it to convince themselves that their ho-hum, mediocre existence is actually the most blissful life they could be living. They’ve used reframing to dupe themselves (and how long can that last, really?) instead of using it to catapult themselves forward.
Thanks for the comments, Tim. Looking forward to reading your post.
Great point, too, about how reframing can be used in a non-beneficial way. Cheers!
I’m struggling with everything, myself; I’m shy, I have communication issues, I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I’m more of a “talker” (or, in my case, “reader”) than I am a “doer”.
Toss being unemployed into the mix, and my life is a wreck. Ahwell, such is life.
The upside is that you’re able to acknowledge the work that you’ve got to do. About 5-6 years ago I was a real jerk – so much so that I had a lot of trouble keeping friends – but I REFUSED to acknowledge that I needed to work on myself. So you’ve got an advantage there.
My suggestion: Start with the smallest thing that needs to be changed, the easiest thing to accomplish. Go out and DO that thing, don’t talk about it, don’t even mention it to anyone, just go out and get it done. Start small, real small, maybe even ‘Is that worth it?’ small, and just accomplish that ONE goal.
What should happen is accomplishing that goal should be the spark that starts the fire under your ass – suddenly you’ll want to do more, more, more (honestly accomplishing goals becomes addictive)
It’s up to you, brother. I know you can do it – you’ve just to got to believe that yourself!
That’s great advice from, Tim. Don’t focus on all that you want to change about yourself. Just focus on one small thing and get that worked out. Build momentum and you’ll be a kick-ass version of yourself before too long.
Love it, Niall! Likewise, my life changed when I began reframing parties and social gatherings as *A series of potentially interesting conversations with individuals* rather than *A room full of intimidating, scary GROUPS.*
Great reframe, Caroline! Thanks for the comment