Calling Bullshit On Your Invulnerable Self
Several weeks ago in Budapest, I sat down with a stranger for coffee. Having heard my story through a mutual friend, she’d reached out and asked if we could meet. As usual with such a request, I said yes.
We talked about all sorts of things for a couple of hours, shared some stories, had a few laughs… but something felt amiss. Throughout our whole time together, I never felt like we really connected. It was only afterwards that I realized why: She never let her guard down.
Not once.
She was a confident woman. She spoke well and had no problem looking me in the eye. She was cool, calm and collected. All in all, she appeared invulnerable… and that was the problem.
Because nobody’s invulnerable. We all have our weaknesses, our issues, our insecurities. When we hide them away, we’re hiding away a big part of ourselves. And even if it’s not obvious that we’re doing this, others will feel a little off in our presence. They may not know why, but they’ll have a hard time trusting us.
The upside of vulnerability
I find that most people open up to me when I open up to them first. I throw out something that I’m struggling with, or share some embarrassing story from my past, and they generally respond in kind (Budapest gal was a rare exception to this). I find that such shared vulnerability works wonders for building a genuine connection.
Here on the blog, I try to identify what scares me, and then I write about it. I felt vulnerable publishing pretty much every post linked from this page, but that’s how I knew those topics were worth writing about.
Same deal with the videos I post here. I was terrified of putting myself on camera at first (and sometimes I still am). I felt vulnerable (and sometimes I still do). But I pushed through and made myself do it anyway.
The result of doing these things, of being willing to appear vulnerable, has been overwhelmingly positive. I get regular emails from folks sharing some very personal challenges and asking for my advice. When I meet readers offline, they often comment that they feel they know me already thanks to my talking head on YouTube.
Sharing my vulnerabilities has led to some great connections and conversations.
Hearts on sleeves
Here are a few examples of other bloggers who have opened up and expressed their vulnerability. Even though I’ve never met most of these people in real life, I feel more connected to them that your average blogger because they were willing to put themselves out there.
Ellie Potten – Life Is Not A Dress Rehearsal
Written in the third person…
Then, suddenly… it happened. Her stomach turned over, her heart flipped up into her throat, and she felt herself lose control. She had an accident. Right there in the shop. A tiny accident, to be sure, but by this time the panic had liquidated her insides and it was too late.
[...] In the bathroom she cried and cried, feeling sick and ashamed, shaking like a leaf from head to toe. Finally her friend found her and drove her home. The moment she was safely through the front door she burst into racking sobs, threw her clothes in the washing machine, and curled up in a ball on her bed.
Jack Bennett – thirty two thousand days
It’s a pretty simple story – I was in a long-term relationship, we were married for 2.5 years and then divorced. [...] Until now, I avoided mentioning this here for a variety of “reasons”.
- I didn’t want to appear imperfect (limiting belief – “Helping others with their interpersonal relationships is an important part of being a coach. How can I do that authentically if I got divorced myself?”)
- I didn’t want to be disliked by others. As individuals, people are mostly pleasant and kind, but the internet as a whole sometimes delivers spikes of viciousness and stupidity.
- I didn’t want to be judged by others for “leaving” rather than “being left”, or for the reasons that I chose to leave that relationship. Victimhood is a comfortable pose to take and is usually guaranteed some sympathy; conversely, embracing your own power and creating uncomfortable change is often a target for criticism.
Jennifer Winter – FearLess Jenn
My reality is that, no matter how inspiring those first few minutes of the weekend may be, in the end, I will be alone.
Everyone has their own preference as to how much social time and how much alone time they need, and from what I hear from those people, it works out great when they can keep that balance. I, however, do not have such a balance.
I spend way too much time alone.
[...] For the past several weekends I’ve really thought about this. Every Friday I go through the same routine, and every weekend I still go through the same motions. Every minute, wanting, wishing, I would just step outside the house or call a friend.
Craig McBreen
I feel like I’ve already lost him.
Our situation isn’t unusual. At 71, my father isn’t exactly young. And many families go through this, but the experience has changed me completely.
I never told my father I loved him until he was in that hospital bed and I thought he was going to die. My father and I just didn’t do that kind of thing, ever. I’m not sure why. It’s just the way it was. We didn’t have a close relationship, but we did. Do you know what I mean? Funny phrase, “I love you.” We should say it more often. I know, pot meet kettle.
J.D. Roth – Foldedspace
I never set out to be a personal finance expert. In fact, I’m sort of the opposite of an expert. I’m an average guy who’s made a lot of mistakes. Sure, I’ve turned things around and that’s what I blog about, but I struggle with the idea that people expect me to know more than I do (or have more training than I do).
And so every day at Get Rich Slowly, I brace myself for failure. A part of me thinks, “This is the day. Today everyone will realize that I don’t know what I’m talking about, that I’m just a regular joe.” I wake up every morning expecting to find tons of negative comments about whatever it is I’ve written. (Or whatever my guest writers have written.)
For over three years — for over a thousand days — I’ve wrestled with daily doubt.
Emilie Wapnick, and friends – Puttylike
A special mention here for this post put together by Emilie, where a bunch of bloggers you’ve probably heard of share their stories of failure. Such as…
“My wife divorced me, and took my life savings.” – Derek Sivers
“I pretended like my life was more awesome than it was.” – Ev Bogue
“I failed spectacularly at being an entrepreneur for the better part of six years…” – Corbett Barr
“I had to drop out a year into my degree because the anxiety got so bad I couldn’t leave the house.” – Jade Craven
Invulnerable you?
Face it: You’re not fooling anyone with that mask of invulnerability. You might think you are, but the people you want to connect with most will always feel a little uneasy in your presence, for as long as you insist on hiding the chinks in your armor.
Open up and let go. Let your vulnerable flag fly, see what happens.
If you’re feeling up to it, you can get started in the comments.
I have no real ‘physical’ friends, as in friends I hang out with outside of work. I have work friends (one, really, that I eat lunch with a few times a week) and virtual friends (people I’ve met online or previous physical friends that I’ve moved away from. As such, I have not been in a romantic relationship in a very long time.
Often, I wonder if I’m a bad friend or will be able to handle a real relationship if I ever find one.
I hide my social insecurity by learning about anything and everything, having projects to work on, and plans for the future. Oh, and many excuses. I’m looking to move to Boston this summer or the next; why would I want to start a relationship that I’m going to move away from?
Matt recently posted: On Being a Hacker
Matt,
I feel your pain. I grew up with no friends until my senior year of high school and then I had one. Since that time, no friends. I have always been an introvert, not good at making friends.
One thing that has helped me was to get to a point where I was able to accept myself for who I am..not everyone is a socialite. I believe we meet the people we are meant to meet when the time is right. Quality friendships far out weigh the quantity of our friendships.
I’m really glad you’ve posted about this, because I’m in exactly the same situation! My old high school and university friends are all elsewhere, and I’d say it’s about five years since I’ve had a proper ‘friend’ – someone who wasn’t family, one of my customers, or online. Not that all of those people aren’t hugely important and add a great deal to my life, but sometimes you just want an actual buddy who can BE THERE!
I’m quite a home girl anyway – I like curling up with a book, watching a DVD or listening to music more than I like going out – but it does sometimes get quite frustrating not having any other options! I, too, tend to just ‘get on with it’ and enjoy all my little home comforts, and hope that the right person will cross my path when the time is right. Thanks both!
Thanks for sharing, Matt. I really appreciate it.
I would have been in the same situation myself if not for my passion for basketball when I was younger. That helped me make some good friends.
You talk about learning about anything and everything. How about learning how to be more social? There are lots of books and online resources out there that can help. It’s a valuable skill. I doubt you’re a bad friend. Most likely, you just need to get more comfortable in your own skin.
As for starting a relationship that you’ll soon move away from, I say go for it anyway. As I’ve found on my travels, it’s entirely possible to forge deep and meaningful relationships in a short space of time.
Very beautiful article! At the moment I feel the need to be more honest and showing my vulnerable side definitely belongs to that.
And so far, nothing really bad happened yet. It rather made me be able to connect better even made me feel stronger.
Anna recently posted: Managing Different Interests
Nice one, Anna. I’ve had similar experiences with honesty. You often feel exposed when you commit to the truth, but yeah, it’s definitely worth it.
Hey Niall, I appreciate the shout out.
It’s been my experience that we give more power to our secrets the more we keep them secret. Shaping the image that you present to the world means that you (sort of) control how people see you. But there are a thousand little strange blips that take place in a person’s behavior, even if they are below conscious awareness.
“Didn’t he seem a little … off.” “Yeah, I wonder what was up.”
Better to be authentic and let others react to that, than put yourself in a little box because you’re afraid they will judge.
Jack Bennett recently posted: I’ll be happy when
Just remembered – after clicking submit – that Brene Brown had some good stuff to say in her TED talk about vulnerability. Highly recommended.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Jack Bennett recently posted: I’ll be happy when
Thanks for sharing, Jack. Agreed, that Brene Brown video is excellent. Keith Ferrazzi also has some great thoughts on the power of vulnerability in his book Never Eat Alone.
Niall, I gotta say you are getting pretty good at this stuff…:) It took me years to get to a point where I would talk about the challenges I had faced in my life and now I am trying to use those things to help others. I still have moments where it is difficult because I have been in situations where people were very judgmental..talking about you like you aren’t even there..sucks and doesn’t make it easy to share..
Thanks for the comment, Vicky.
That does make it difficult. I usually steer clear of people like that, and I find that sharing my vulnerabilities is a good way to weed them out fast.
Sometimes you don’t have much choice but to be around them though. In those situations, I try to look at it as a good exercise in tolerance
I open myself up to people and they still will not be my friend, is there something wrong with me or is there something wrong with everyone around me?
I’d say it’s secret Option C: Probably a little of both.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s usually not as simple as one or the other. Without knowing you I can’t offer too much in the way of advice, but if you’re really being your genuine self and opening up from a place of caring and happiness (as opposed to neediness and such), then you should be good. If people respond badly to that, then they’re not the right people for you. Move away from them and towards folks who get it.
I have not thought of it that way. But you’re probably right that I’m looking for friends that are wrong for me. This was an eye-opening experience for me. Thank you.
Imperfections are funny things. If asked, most people will agree that no one is perfect. We all know this. And yet, we take it so hard when someone we look up to or is in a leadership position displays their clay feet. It makes it hard to want to put yourself into that kind of position, it’s like setting yourself up to fail. I’m smart, graduated in the top 10% of my high school class and tend to have unique perspectives on things. But through various mistakes, setbacks, insecurities, confusion and other life issues, I’m not where I should have been based on where I was always told I should be by this point of my life. I’ve wanted to start my own blog for a while, but I’ve no credentials, nothing to immediately set myself apart as being someone that people might be interested in or could learn anything from or could just plain enjoy listening to. Long story short, though, this year I decided to start one anyway. Even if no one notices it for a while or ever, I’ve decided that if even one person gets something out of it, then it will be worthwhile. It’s still in it’s infancy with only 7 posts, I think, and three followers, but I’m doing it. It’s a Pagan themed blog, so it’s a little limited in audience, too. But one thing I’ve decided is that no matter where the blog or my “teachings” take me, I want to make sure that people know that not only am I not perfect, I’m okay with not being perfect. Which isn’t to say I don’t try to work on those things, but I no longer judge my life so much by what I haven’t done or what I’m not. Instead I focus on what I have, who I am, and what I can do to make improvements a step at a time. Lol, hope this wasn’t too long a posting!
Michelle recently posted: Imbolc: The Spark of Newness
No, that was fantastic, Michelle. Thanks for sharing. I love the last few lines especially, about being okay with your imperfections but also working to better yourself. That’s the paradox that many people can’t seem to grasp.
And rock on with the blog. It’s good that it’s so niche. That helps set you apart. And to be honest, I had lots of hesitation and insecurities about starting this blog 2.5 years ago, and it took a while for it to find a true direction. Very glad I started it anyway, in spite of the uncertainty and my insecurity.
Digging that “meaning of names” post on your blog, by the way
I’ve always been an introvert. I think some of that probably has its roots in the fact that we moved A LOT when I was a kid, but I’m not sure. Regardless, I am relatively “normal” socially and get along well enough with others – but it takes me time to get to know people, and often I would just prefer to be alone. It is a struggle for me. That’s the truth.
This whole thing is complicated now because my wife was diagnosed with advanced cancer at the age of 40 (3.5 years ago). She now requires 24/7 care. As her caregiver, I don’t get out much. I also work from home so I can take care of her. We live in an area where we know few people, and can hardly get out of the house.
I have found by experience though, with my own writing and public speaking, that the most impact is always achieved when I am vulnerable and let down my guard.
Thanks Niall for this post. Thanks to the earlier comment authors for “breaking the ice” and getting things rolling.
Wow, thank you for sharing that, Robert.
Man, I’m so grateful for the amazing people I have reading and commenting on here. Feeling lucky.
Hey Niall,
Thank you, Sir for the mention here. I really do appreciate it.
I certainly never put on a full mask of invulnerability, but always did my best at presenting a confident exterior as a kid and young adult, but was always knee-deep in dread and apprehension. Man, that was a drag.
Funny thing is, once I embraced a bit of discomfort, was more outgoing, took more chances and let people know what I was really like, all that dread started to drift off.
So glad I found your place by way of Jen. I look forward to reading more.
Right back at you, Craig. Been digging your blog.
Thanks for the comment!
Niall man, this is a great post!! I usually try to do something similar when meeting people for the first time. The truth is that we are all human, we are all scared, and none of us have any idea what we are doing here (though some are searching for that reason
– it’s important to let the guard down and let others know you are real. Authentic. It’s what the world craves.
For every comment you receive on this, I guarantee at least 10 people read every word and were changed/affected.
Love the insight! Keep at it man, keep at it!
Thanks, Matt. That’s a great point about everyone being scared. It’s so true, and yet so easy to forget and believe that we’re all alone with our fear while everyone else goes on living fearlessly.
Keep doing what you do.
Naked honesty is never a bad thing. You may feel uncomfortable by it, but by not sharing, you will miss out on opportunities for real connection and growth. I thank Sam Harris and his book Lying for teaching me the true value of truth.
I read that book myself recently. I got a lot out of it, too.
Here’s a link to it on Amazon for anyone who wants to check it out. Quick read and only $2.
Woops – I left a comment first, then I watched the video. I forgot to share what I am insecure about..
I am scared. I am not sure if things will work out the way I want them to. I just quit my job and now I have to “work for myself again”. It’s hard. My first week off and I overslept every day. I didn’t get much work done. I don’t like when I procrastinate. I procrastinate. Then I get mad at myself because I procrastinated. I am supposed to have my ‘internet business’ up and running by now, generating thousands of dollars per month. I am worried that no one will buy my course, that it will be a flop.
I judge people too quickly. I am cold. I talk about myself too much. I have negative thoughts. I get pimples near my chin and I touch them too frequently, thus causing them to become more red and irritated. I watch porn. Sometimes quite frequently. I want to be successful and have an impact on people’s lives. I want to help others grow. Then I doubt that it is possible. I have a hard time flossing every night. I used to not brush my teeth before bed.
I am human. I think we are here on earth to grow and develop into our potential. I think it’s important to open up and share our insecurities. Everyone has them. What we feel inside, helps us know other people – there is a good chance they are going through the same shit. I continue to move forward. I continue to choose growth over stagnation.
Thank you Niall for allowing people the space to open up. I love you man. Thank you.
Man, way to go all out. Love that you shared all that.
Love you too, buddy. Even more so now that I know you better
It’s a little scary to know that’s it’s all ‘hanging out there’, but it’s part of the process I feel. Part of growth. Finding out our True Authentic self. Thanks man !
Wow, Niall, how do you do that?! You really hit this one right on. So many of us keep this outer shell up so no one can see our perceived flaws.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to be invulnerable. It seemed safer. I’ve had a lot of dysfunction in my life and I worked hard at putting on a front so everyone thought my life was perfect. As I’ve gradually let that wall down, I’ve really developed some close friendships. It’s amazing how f*cked up we all are on some level and it helps to share that with each other. It definitely makes us more human.
Keep sharing the good stuff, Niall. I love what you’re doing.
Peggy McPartland recently posted: Have you become comfortably numb?
Thanks so much, Peggy. I’m glad you’ve had the same experience of deeper connections when you let your guard down.
You’re right, we are all pretty fucked up, and trying to hide that fact about ourselves just makes us strangers.
Niall,
Cool post.
Going through a lot here. Doubt anyone on the planet would pick ‘invulnerable’ in a list of a million ways to describe me.
But! I am building a new life. One breath at a time. Still in pain in gut from major surgery. Shoulder… etcetera. Lots of old injuries reappearing as I tense up from various reactions to the world. Lost and stuck in injuries and what not health wise.
Fighting for life! Doing the whole eat less move more too. I tried on my sister’s size 12 pants and they fit…
Scared to say. Feels like I will wake up and weight’s and what not’s all back to plow thru.
Cannot quite believe I am building a new life.
Topped at 26W (steroids saved my life repeatedly but each time failed to lose it all). Now 12.
Anyway, I am so very broken and vulnerable as I bounce along the bottoms of bottoms of being scared…. Thanks for sharing I’m not alone:) By you and community!
blessings,
Cynthia
Cynthia, you’re an absolute inspiration. Way to build your new life, and thanks for sharing your story with us all.
Niall,
You hit it on the head.
It’s part of being real. Of course we don’t need to share everything, but not sharing the whole truth is not the same as hiding some of it. Being real does wonders for relationships and confidence. AND, a this is a BIG “and”, vulnerability does not always have to be negative. It’s about letting others in. Getting past the comfortable zone, or rather widening the comfortable zone. Everyone is here doing exactly that. I am independent but I still depend on friends and family. It can be seen a positive and/or negative. But I am always conscious to widen that comfortable zone between us. Pride is a very thin line that most people tip toe on. Why not do handstands on it!
Corey!
I could tweet out about seven different lines from that comment. You have an excellent way with words, good Sir!
Thanks for sharing.
invulnerable…aha…no way
even when i try to look like i don’t care, i care too much…sometimes i feel even for strangers, even on net…i don’t know, it always was easier for me to get hit by train, than to look like i don’t care.
i think it’s a good sign
)
i tryed once to look like i don’t care, my dad said something to me that i didn’t like, cause it was not true, i tryed to look upset for 2 days, and for 2 days i cried like crazy, so i said to myself better be very sensitive and feel hurt, than to cry for too long…especially i have a gift , i am kind a cat…i fall, it hurts, and then i just get over…and this happens many times, even now
i learned one thing from all those fallings, that every time we fall not because of others, but just because we are afraid that we can not carry what happens to us, but just look at all of people that come here, whatever they do, no matter how hurt they are, they are still alive, still writing
Niall i love u (my husband knows
Massive hug to you, Olea
Very good post
Very true too….I work in a library and self-help-type books are very popular so there’s definitely a lot of demand when it comes to dealing with ‘being a human being’, even if people don’t admit it. My insecurity? Going to China for a year with our two reluctant – my husband and I are excited about it but it scares the crap out of me (that and learning to use the squat facilities). The teens are at a ‘vulnerable’ age and we hope this turns out to be a good thing for them (perhaps we worry too much..they might do better than their parents!) 
Thanks for the comment, Joanna. I think it’s great that you’re moving to China for a year. I would have loved to have had that experience as a teenager.
Actually, I probably would have kicked up a fuss as well, but I’m sure it would have been good for me in the long run
All the best with the move!
Hi stranger! Thanks for the mention, and for the appreciation and encouragement. I genuinely believe that it’s so important to be honest about our bad experiences in life, whether it’s illness or failure or just a really bad day – because how else are other people in the same situation ever going to feel less alone? How are their friends and families ever going to understand?
You quoted from my first post, but I noticed that a lot of my posts after that were relentlessly upbeat for a while – until one day a couple of weeks ago where I was feeling horribly lonely and frustrated and sorry for myself. I wondered whether I should even write about it – but I thought hey! Be honest, right? Things may be better in my life these days, but everyone, in every walk of life and every amazing situation, has days where they feel bloody awful. There’s no point glossing over those days and creating some perfect vision of recovery, or of a lifestyle, or anything else, because it’s just not real.
I think maybe that’s why people appreciate your blog so much Niall – because you’re an absolute breath of fresh air! Honest, down to earth, pragmatic and able to look at a situation clearly. Keep it the hell up, okay!
Ellie recently posted: A very promising progress update!
No intention of stopping
Thanks for the comment, Ellie.
Curious I’ve working on reinforcing my shield when I should be working on not hiding my vulnerability… I have no way to hide my flaws and weaknesses and I’ve felt very exposed to the other’s attacks that I felt I should create a shield. This shield, apart from being quite deficient and having lots of holes, didn’t help me to be more accepted or have more friends. For me, showing as invulnerable brought me only a wall between me and the people who saw me as arrogant and aloof. Not nice when you are far from being that!.
So I agree, nothing good comes from hiding your vulnerabilities but it’s not nice neither feeling unprotected and at the mercy of the good will of the others… I guess that showing your vulnerabilities is a risk to take.
Yeah, it’s definitely a risk. But it’s worth it methinks. The right kind of people will appreciate it, and the wrong kind of people will make themselves known faster, allowing you to move on.
Thanks for the comment, María.
Hello
I like this post very much. To be honest, I am not very good at being vulnerable with people I do not already trust. In fact, it can take me months to open up to people. Part of this is because I often think that people don’t particularly need or care to know about me. I don’t say this in a resentful way, but humans are very selfish creatures and would much rather talk about themselves.
As an introvert as well, I often find myself in the comfortable listening position. However, I never thought that my “cool, detached” demeanor might be precisely what keeps me from connecting with others and making new friends. Thank you for sharing!
Btw, my insecurity – I’m scared of being hurt and forgotten by people. This is why I don’t put effort into relationships that I don’t think will last.
I feel the same! I think it might be easier to try to open up a bit, rather than completely at first, just to test it out. I wonder how much our thoughts and behaviours bring about our “expected” responses from others – like a self-fulfilling prophecy….?
Yeah, I’d be inclined to think that it’s something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. In my experience, when I go into an interaction fully expecting it to go well, it usually does. But when I’m feeling low and force myself to try connect with someone, it rarely flows smoothly.
This is another thing I could go on forever about. In fact, I was actually journalling about something that exposes a big vulnerability about me last night before I read this post. Maybe it could be the subject of my next blog post?
( Even writing that makes me feel uneasy about it! )
Anyway, the biggest vulnerability for me right now is that I am TERRIFIED of family members finding my blog and then being asked awkward questions. Mainly because other unlike other times in the past, I am using my REAL NAME here.
This all boils down to the fact that I am an introvert and owing to past experiences, I am extremely protective of my privacy around my family, them finding the blog would be seen by me as an invasion of my privacy. I am THAT uneasy about it, though I also accept that it is entirely possible that this could happen.
That’s just one of many, perhaps I should make my next blog post about that.
Yeah man, write it out. I think if your family did find your blog, it might be awkward and uncomfortable for a while, but in the long run it would probably be for the best. They’d simply be getting to know the real you a bit better.
It is done, the post has being scheduled for tomorrow afternoon ( Tuesday ) at 2pm Irish time.
Niall, you have such a beautiful way of calling us all out on the silly little excuses we so often hide behind.
Reading your blog for the first time gave me the courage to open up – and reading this, reminds me why I need to keep doing it…thank you!!
Thank you, Jenn!
Wow, thank you for this…. Although social and friendly, I often have my guard up, so it’s very intereting and eye-opening to hear how that appears to others! Jennifer Winter’s post resonates with me. This is something I’d like to continue working on, baby-steps
Nice one, Jada. More power to ya!
I have an ostomy bag. This is incredibly difficult for me to admit. Physically, living with it has become no problem. I’m completely okay with it. But I’ve been hiding it in my relationships with other people, afraid of what they might think of me. I’m especially afraid of telling girls about it. I’ll work on this. It’s been easier since Max Dubinsky posted this article about my story:
http://makeitmad.com/2012/02/15/the-most-ungrateful-human-being-on-the-planet/#idc-cover
^^I still feel like an asshole for doing self-promotion, even on your blog in February!
I feel that mutual admiration can be a HUGE barrier, or even potentially DESTROY relationships. When we admire someone, we develop an image of who they are in our mind. When we interact with them, we expect them to fulfill this image, so we tread carefully. Take my relationship with you, Niall. I feel that sometimes during our Skype chats, even though I’m less inhibited than usual, I tread too carefully, afraid to break some image I have of you, and afraid to say something that would break your image of me. This is destructive, but it affects everyone. I believe, as you say, acknowledgment is the first step to solving this problem. And it CAN be overcome!
I really don’t want my relationships to be blocked by a cloud of mutual admiration.
^^I feel smart for coming up with that phrase.
I am a completely normal human being. I receive praise all the time for my attitude during my battle with Crohn’s Disease. I think that my optimism has always been a defense mechanism. I really, really want to be happy, and live an amazing life. If simply pursuing this desire on the Hierarchy of Needs is worthy of praise when you have a tough physical condition, I can understand that. However, I can never let the praise get to me.
I believe that the moment I actually start believing in what people are telling me (such as: “you’re an inspiration”), is the moment of my downfall. It’s so important to be inspiring to others. But you can’t be an inspiration to yourself. You just can’t. You’ll get complacent.
I am a sheep. I don’t know if I would have written this comment if I didn’t see all of these cool people already doing it. It’s so easy to be a follower.
I still want approval from people. I still want people that I admire to like me. I don’t know if this will go away, but I will work on it.
I probably wouldn’t be as big of a fan of you and your blog if you never reached out to me in a very kind e-mail last year. Thank you so much.
Submitting this comment is EXTREMELY uncomfortable for me, but necessary. I’m worried about what you’ll think of me. I’m worried about what people reading will think of me.
Thank you so much for providing the medium to do this, Niall.
PS: I’ve been reading an AMAZING book on exposing vulnerability called “Radical Honesty” if you or anyone reading this is more interested in the subject. You wrote this post at a perfect time for me.
Having wrote all of that, Optimism is still the only way
Josh Lipovetsky recently posted: Quick Thought #20 – On Why You Need to Be Ignorant
Josh, my friend.. You are a courageous soul and I think you are amazing! You really stepped up here in your comment and shared a lot. I don’t think anything less of you – in fact I feel like I know you a lot better and I really think you have the potential to be a hero and an inspiration to thousands, if not tens and hundreds of thousands of people.
You are light years ahead of the curve man, light years! You are growing and learning at exponential rates.
Your story on makeitmad.com brought me to tears. It is super powerful man. It was right for you to post it here.
I agree with you too. Often people we see online, we place them on a pedestal, and then when we interact with them in real life (or via video chat) we tread lightly – it was good that you shared that.
I am glad you were uncomfortable posting man.. that is where the growth is.
Thanks Josh, and thanks Niall for helping people open up to their authentic selves.
Josh, this comment floored me. Wow. Thanks so much for sharing all that, and the article on Make It Mad.
You just demonstrated what I was talking about better than I ever could have done. I suspect everybody who reads your comment won’t be able to help but have an immense amount of respect for you.
And yeah, I agree about Radical Honesty. I read it just over a year ago. Powerful stuff. For anyone looking for a primer, check out this YouTube vid.
Josh, I read this comment properly and the post you linked to. Needless to say, I’m stunned that you are willing to share something on top of your other insecurities.
Kind of puts things into perspective for me, thanks.
Matt, Niall, Adrian: Thanks for all of your kind words. I appreciate that the comment helped fuel some positive change. That is my aspiration.
I have never kissed anyone
I get rejected
I act like a gentleman but I am not
Thanks for sharing, Jonathon.
If it helps any…
- I had my first kiss at 17 and didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22.
- In the last two days alone I’ve gotten rejected five times by beautiful women.
- Fake it til you make it.
I think more people should be open about there fears. It was tough for me to do my introduction page on one of my sites for fear
that people would see me as weak. I no longer have that fear. However, I still have a slight fear of video. I feel as though I shouldn’t do it until I succeed at what I’m pursuing.
Thanks for the comment, Ray. I’d encourage you to go for it with the video stuff. As long as you’re open and honest about your current level of success, you’re golden.
Yikes!!! So interesting that I read this tonight. This past month has been one big stream of emotional hurdles and feeling damn vulnerable. Now I look back on this month and realize that feeling vulnerable led me to pull away from my passions in life and the people I care about. Crazy! I would have thought that feeling vulnerable would cause me to reach out and hold onto familiarity but instead, I pulled away. So I’m pretty insecure about feeling vulnerable I guess.
I am insecure about my health, my future and internalizing the positivity I so long for in my life.
Thanks Niall, indeed there is something familiar and comforting in your writing and the way in which you share your thoughts and challenges. I have been closed off from connecting, commenting and blogging for a bit now and this is my first comment in some time.
Just all of a sudden felt like I had something to share
Vulnerability is a bitch! In a good way tho.
Tali
Tali recently posted: Why Unplugging Each Day Is Beneficial
Thanks, Tali! Really glad this resonated with you, and I appreciate the kind words.
Wonderful post, Niall. I’ll play.
I’ll start by saying that I’m so grateful for where I am now, and I know that I’m very, very blessed.
I’m proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished over the past few years, and excited about my trajectory. 
Now the fun part:
- I have a lack of emotional control that I’m not proud of. I say things I don’t mean when I’m upset, I play the victim far too often, I forget to be grateful. I feel guilty about these things, and that’s detrimental to my self-love. Though, I’m hopeful about the future – I actively try to work through this issue, right now I’m working on increasing my EI.
- I’ve never gotten work/life balance right. I still can’t decide if I’m a workaholic, biting off more than I can chew, or a procrastinator, not working efficiently enough. It’s hard to solve this problem, not even quite knowing exactly what the problem is. I feel guilty for the way it affects both myself and my family.
- Speaking of vulnerability, I’m still too ‘invulnerable’ to feel comfortable promoting my own blog on my Facebook page, afraid what family and friends will think. I’m more myself here and on Twitter, as it seems safer.
- I don’t have the deep friendships that I crave.
Thanks for stretching my boundaries, Niall, fun idea.
Katie Benedetto recently posted: The Sticker Experiment: A case for experiences, not stuff
Great stuff, Katie. Thanks for sharing that. Your second point really resonated with me. I never put it into words before, but I realize now that I feel the same way, undecided.
If it’s any encouragement/reassurance Katie, you’ve just pretty much described me in a nutshell! I’m often ungrateful, I say stupid things when I’m angry and I blame other people for stuff. I’m genuinely not sure whether my bookshop is too much work (no vacations, full responsibility, sometimes seven days a week) or if I’m just being lazy (it’s my own business, it’s not too mentally taxing, I get to read and blog sometimes during the day). I get freaked out if my family comes anywhere near my blog, and the deepest non-family friendship I have is with a fat black and white cat called Domino…
Niall
I’m afraid I am going to have to disagree with you about your characterization of the stranger you met for coffee.
Your assertion that complete strangers have no reason to be guarded is problematic. She may have given out information in the past that was used against her. She may have been a victim of assault, robbery or rape. She may just be naturally cautious around strangers. Even though SHE asked for the meet, she was under no obligation to be completely open about herself. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable about sharing personal information until after knowing someone for a certain amount of time.
And there is also a gender dynamic you are forgetting to take into account. It is understandable since it isn’t something men have to think about but it is something women live with every day. Now I am not saying you were in any way being any kind of a chauvinist. But the dynamic exists-simply because you are a man and she was a woman.
It is easier to be more open and vulnerable on-line as well. We can hide behind the on-line persona much more easily than we can hide in face to face encounters. If someone hurts us, we can block them, change our email address so they can’t contact us or stop reading their blog if they say hurtful things about us. But if someone face to face, such as a coworker or family member, says hurtful things, it is a lot harder to cope with this.
Hi Ann. Thanks for the comment.
I can understand that someone may be guarded for a reason. This post isn’t to say that the person should or shouldn’t have opened up to me; just that I felt we would have connected much better if they had.
I try to keep in mind that people have their own issues to deal with and I never really know what’s going on. It’s the same reason I no longer get pissed at a romantic interest when she goes cold and never texts/calls me back.
Also, I think you may be right about the gender dynamic, but consider the possibility that I changed some details in the above example to protect the person’s identity
She didn’t let her guard down by choice: because she thought she wasn’t supposed to. It’s the sexual politics of meeting new members of the opposite gender — part acculturated, perhaps part genetic, and in large(st?) part used for self-aggrandizement by attractive young women. You’re a hot young guy, she’s a Western young female, and the two of you didn’t “connect” when speaking for over an hour in a public place after being introduced by a mutual acquaintance — gee what a surprise. She might even have thought it was the “fault” of the guy for failing to MAKE her lower her guard, and not her own failure to understand the benefits of unwarding herself, which resulted in no ice breaking. “Dude, you’re supposed to CHARM me now, it’s not MY job to SHARE the responsibility” … wasn’t that going through her head?
Hey Cliff. Check my response to Ann’s comment above, particularly the last point.
I have experienced this with men and women. Sure, there are plenty of good reasons why people don’t let their guard down and share their vulnerabilities when they meet someone new, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s much harder to form a connection that way.
It’s a shame when people don’t open up. I suppose they have their reasons, but they’re missing out on real connections, real friendships. You never know when you’re going to meet someone amazing, and how terrible to let that person pass you by!
Niall – you said to Ann: “I can understand that someone may be guarded for a reason. This post isn’t to say that the person should or shouldn’t have opened up to me; just that I felt we would have connected much better if they had.”
Then why are you calling it bullshit? You do NOT know the myriad reasons a person protects themselves they way they do. You do not know their history – and why on EARTH is someone meeting you for the first time supposed to just “open up” because you think you are? Why is she supposed to just trust you on the first meeting, and why is that bullshit? I am calling bullshit on your calling bullshit.
I am also calling male privilege. “Also, I think you may be right about the gender dynamic, but consider the possibility that I changed some details in the above example to protect the person’s identity” – what has that got to do with the very real dynamic of what women have to put up with in terms of fear of rape? Put yourself in her shoes – you are a stranger from the internet. In spite of what she may have read on your blog, she knows nothing about who you really are.
If you are having a hard time forming a connection, then that is your problem and your problem only. You are capable of forming a connection with all that exists – just as it is. I think she was smart to stay guarded – especially now that you deem it necessary to call her guardedness “bullshit”.
Can I call bullshit on you calling bullshit on me calling bullshit?
Again, I’m not saying he — oops, I mean “she” — was right or wrong to keep her guard up. People often have very good reasons for doing so. What I’m calling bullshit on is the appearance of vulnerability that someone projects when they refuse to lower that guard.
They’re trying to come across as invulnerable, and they aren’t; no one is.
The aim of this post is to encourage whoever reads it to open up a bit more and share their vulnerabilities when they meet someone new. Because when you do that, you’ll find that you form a much stronger connection.
Thanks for reading.
I feel that it’s a great idea to provide a place where people can be open and honest about their vulnerabilities. Plus it’s even safer in the fact that it’s not face to face (which I believe would be the next step for someone finding it difficult to communicate) so you don’t have to worry about the instant reaction from the tellee.
I’m really a very open person but I still understand that it can be difficult to open up, especially with taboo issues. I felt compelled to comment as I know a few people that I would call friends with whom I have a similar feeling as with Budapest Girl. Nail and head spring to mind Niall.
Furthermore, I had a conversation with a friend at the weekend who knows me relatively well, has heard about issues with my sacking my Dad, a somewhat troubled childhood etc. Yet she had never gone into detail about suffering with mental ill health until I detailed my own mental health difficulties recently. It is scary putting yourself out there but learning to trust the right people helps. Not easy, granted but it can fell good. I know that I felt so much better about not being the only one who doubts their sanity at times!
Right on, Kerry. It’s amazing how others open up when we first show a willingness to be open ourselves. So glad you’ve experienced the same.
Thanks for your comment.