How To Win The Lottery
I’d rather live a life of “oh well’s” than a life of “what if’s.” – unknown
I was at a popular ruin pub called Szimpla here in Budapest a few weeks back. Standing at the bar with my friend Diego, my attention was drawn to a buzzing high table nearby. Around it were a dozen or so guys and girls, looking like they’d just stepped out of a hip magazine.
One of the girls in particular was drop dead gorgeous. Besides having a pretty face and amazing hair, she was also rocking a funky hat, and you know I’m just a sucker for a girl in a funky hat.
Within three seconds of spotting her, I asked Diego to excuse me and walked directly towards the table. I tapped Hat Girl on the shoulder and she turned to face me, a quizzical look on her face.
– Hey, don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but you look absolutely adorable in that hat and I just had to come meet you.
As she smiled, I could feel the attention of all her friends shifting towards me. So I added, with a smile of my own…
– Oh shit, is one of these guys here your boyfriend? Because that would be really awkward.
Hat Girl pointed across the table to the biggest guy in the group; 6-foot-6, built like a tank, and staring right at me. I held my smile and added a shrug in his direction. Raising my voice so he could hear me across the table…
– Sorry man, I just tried to hit on your girlfriend. You gotta teach me how to get a girl like this.
His stare softened, his face beginning to show a hint of amusement. I turned back to the girl.
– Well, I’m going to slink away now to avoid any further embarrassment. But I’m glad we had this time together.
With that I turned and went back to join Diego at the bar, who was shaking his head in disbelief.
– Hey man, I told him, I had to try.
Oh Well’s versus What If’s
Some folks have asked if I’ve continued to work on my flirting skills since I tried hitting on 100+ women in Amsterdam last November.
The answer is yes, though not with the same sort of intensity. I’ve probably approached close to another 100 women in the seven weeks I’ve been in Budapest.
I feel I’ve made steady progress, grown even more comfortable in my own skin, even less likely to let irrational fear get the best of me and not go talk to a girl I’m attracted to. But it does still happen that I chicken out every so often and pass up an opportunity. And it’s also still pretty common for me to approach an attractive woman and get rejected outright.
I’ve noticed though that the rejections never sting as much as the times I fail to try. Without a doubt, the oh wells are easier to swallow than the what if’s.
And, in case it’s not obvious, this doesn’t just apply to romance.
Whatever it is you really want out of life, go and give it your best shot. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, well, at least you did your part.
And that’s all you really have to do: your part.
Nobody wins the lottery without at least buying a ticket.
Sometimes fate (or destiny, or whatever you want to call it) will meet you in the middle. And that’s magic. Other times though, you’ll be left waiting there alone, and fate will never show up, and you’ll feel like a failure. But take solace in the fact that you did your part. You put yourself out there and gave yourself a shot. That’s really all you can do. The rest isn’t up to you.
Celebrate that magic when it happens. When it doesn’t, shrug it off and try again.
Yes, it still stings. But a lot less than never trying at all.
5 stars! This is not only well written, but what you said when you walked up was priceless
It is so true that anyone reading this can easily translate that into any event or circumstance no matter how big or how small.
Don’t let any ‘what ifs’ pass you by. If you are scared to do something, but deep down you know it needs to be done, you’ve reached the fork in the road, but in the mind of a warrior. Which path shall you choose?
Great post man!
I knew this one would resonate with you, Matt! Thanks for reading
I second that! Really enjoyed this. You have a great attitude, Niall, and I know your persistence will pay off (and already has, in many ways)!
Thanks, Caroline!
Wow, you knew all the right things to say at the right times. How did you perfect the art of such spot-on communication? I knew you were working on the art of approaching women, but — dang! — I didn’t know you were so smooth!
Haha, thanks Paula. That was one of the smoother approaches I’ve made. They’re definitely not all like that!
For example, there was the girl I saw at the post office about a month ago. I was hesitant to go talk to her, and then she left, and I decided to run down the street after her. She was really spooked and I felt like a complete jackass.
But even with that terrible interaction, I still felt proud of myself for at least trying. I didn’t go home that day wondering what if.
Did you know that serial killers also use the same technique?
From the Wikipedia article on the serial killer Andrei Chikatilo:
“Police placed Chikatilo under surveillance on 14 November. In several instances, particularly on trains or buses, he was observed to approach lone young women or children and engage them in conversation; if the woman or child broke off the conversation, Chikatilo would wait a few minutes and then seek another conversation partner. On 20 November, after six days of surveillance, Chikatilo left his house with a one-gallon flask for beer, then wandered around Novocherkassk, attempting to make contact with children he met on his way. Upon exiting a cafe, Chikatilo was arrested by four plainclothes police officers.”
Not sure what you’re trying to imply. I haven’t killed anyone yet, and have no plans to. Would really go against my whole belief system, and make it difficult to get visas to foreign countries.
Oh, not implying you’re a serial killer, just wondering what you’re going to do with the girl when you’ve caught her.
Strike up a conversation, find out who she is, see what happens.
Sorry for the serial killer gaffe, but somehow I’m a bit put off by this approach to women. I know it’s common: I’ve read the books, too. It’ just that I have the feeling approaching attractive women just to see what happens is a bit unfair. Might the same thing not happen with an ‘unattractive’ woman?
I’m wonder if you could do an experiment one day, to see how many unattractive women you can engage in conversation, get to know who she is, and see what happens?
No offense taken on the serial killer thing, don’t worry.
I happily strike up conversations with random strangers, whether they’re attractive or not, but I wouldn’t do an experiment approaching “unattractive” women repeatedly. I know from experience that I’m never fully satisfied in a relationship if I don’t feel a strong physical attraction to a girl. If I could flip a switch and not have the superficial stuff matter, I would, but alas that’s not option.
I would say though that if my approach doesn’t resonate with you, by all means try something else. I tried a lot of different approaches until I found one that felt natural and authentic for me, but I don’t expect the same method to be right for every guy.
I agree completely with what you say here, is much more difficult to deal with regret than with failure.
I enjoyed reading it and I have to confess that your flirting / conversational skills are close to perfection… if only more guys used more original, funny, witty, light ways when they approach us, the world would be a better place
Thanks, María.
I can’t claim much originality with the approach described above though. I’ve taken bits and pieces from lots of other folks.
Your “collage” might not be originally yours but is different from the hackneyed lines which makes them nicer to hear.
I was wondering what kind of results you’ve had from your approaches? No need to go into detail, just give us some kind of understanding of it…
I do realize that you’re doing this primarily to get over your shyness, but I think it would be nice if you shared the external results in some way as well.
Are you using some kind of split testing and optimization on your routines btw?
Great question.
For me, a successful approach is one where I represent myself well. That is, I go in with the aim of having fun, let my intentions be known, and pretty much act as I would around someone I already know well. Even if the girl doesn’t respond positively to that, I come away feeling good about myself, and knowing that she simply wasn’t a good match for me.
I’d say I feel good after about 50% of my approaches these days. That number has been gradually creeping higher for a while.
I don’t take as scientific an approach to it all as perhaps I should. But then, my goal isn’t to achieve a specific outcome (e.g. get her number or take her home with me). I’ve pulled the plug on some interactions myself, even when everything was going well and I could feel the girl was interested in me, after realizing that we didn’t have much in common and I wasn’t particularly interested in her beyond her looks.
Also, I value authenticity, so I always opt to go direct with my approaches these days. I just cut the shit and tell the girl in no uncertain terms and as soon as possible that I find her attractive. I suspect I might have more “success” if I was to act disinterested and learn how to make her do the chasing, but that whole approach feels a little too sneaky to me.
I guess I’d rather fail while being true to myself than succeed while compromising my own values.
Is that line of wisdom: Nobody wins the lottery without buying a ticket… yours?
Thats a good line.
Seems like you are getting on well!
Hey Marc. No, I can’t claim to have come up with that line. It was inspired by this old joke.
Looking for a “like” button
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxO7rCHkh7o
Haha, perfect!
Hi there That was absoutely brilliant! thanks so much for saying just what i needed to her today. I am feeling nervous about starting to work here in the little Catalan town I live in. I can do several things and all of them feel scary at the moment because 1/ I am new here 2/ I am only learning the language and 3/ I haven’t worked properly for a couple of years while I was studying and adjusting to my new life.
also this town is notoriously difficult for starting new things. Even my partner who is from here finds it hard to get new clients to his classes.
So, i read your post and I thought – stop being so scared of failure. Give it a go! I can start my acupuncture practice (something I have done for 25 years in the UK) I can do English classes and start a choir for singin english songs and I can even try again to teach a tango class (last time it muddled along for a term with only four people and then I gave up)
I really love your blog and this post was just perfectly written and to the point and gives me a little phrase to remember which will keep me going. Oh well is so much better than If only! Kate
Rock on, Kate! Glad this resonated with you.
All the best in Spain
Another good one.
I think about it every time I realize I’m actually doing what I said I would do for the past decade. Now I just need to do it with success
And I possibly need to come up with another big thing to work towards.
This is a good post. You need to “help fate” however. That means work out, wear great clothes, great haircut, etc. You’re limiting your chances of success to ONLY unmaterialistic uber liberal chicks which is probably less than 15% of women. And probably less than 1% of women in trendy nightclubs.
Like the Kristofferson song says:
“I’d Rather Be Sorry (for something i’ve done,than for something that I didn’t do)
Whether it’s life ,work ,dream or especially love you won’t know unless you try
Hope those Hungarian chicks are getting giddy for the Blarney
If they can understand that is
Here’s the song with the accompanying hippy vibe video.
I suggest you check out his work…a lot of his songs relate to your outlook on life with regards: freedom,being on the road,struggling to carve one’s own future.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEB2fN1jDA4
Very nice post Niall, resonated strongly with me, because “Better to be sorry for the done, than for the undone” has been my mantra for some time.
And yes, regret stings deep and long.
Surprises me how similar can we be
Love that mantra, Jorge. Well said!
Every time I read these posts of yours, especially regarding approaching women, I think of this belief: Courage is a muscle, and it must be exercised.
It’s actually pretty much exactly like lifting weights. First you have difficulty saying “Hi”. Then, you have difficulty bringing up certain topics. Then there are relapses, etc. If you don’t exercise courage for a while, it takes some time to get it back.
The direct approach is the best approach. If girls are scared away by it, they’re probably not the right girls.
Rock on, brotha.
Better to regret something you have done, rather than something you haven’t done, in the words of Orbital / Butthole Surfers.
Great to read of your ongoing adventures!
Straight up and to the point Niall, great share!
I wonder if it is harder to approach a woman when she is on her own vs when she is with a group of people. Have you noticed a difference?
The other evening a guy told me he liked me scarf while we were waiting at a stop light to cross the street. I smiled and said thanks. I walked on ahead and stopped off for a tea as the temperature was freezing. All of a sudden I notice the same guy behind me in line and he smiled and said “with a scarf and a smile like that I just had to see where you were going”
I kind of laughed and must have looked surprised but I actually thought it was sweet. We laughed and I reccomnded my favorite tea.
Niall, I seriously thought of you and almost asked him if he followed Disrupting the Rabblement. Wish I did!
Anyway it’s a nice feeling when life and interactions seem to flow naturally and random happenings leave us feeling good about people.
-Tali
Tali recently posted: 3 Ways To Fuel Your Beautiful Body And Limitless Mind
Love that story, Tali! I wish more guys would put themselves out there like that when they see a girl they’re interested in. I’d like to shake that man’s hand
As for approaching a woman on her own vs. in a group, I’ve found there are pros and cons to both situations. You come across less threatening but more confident when you can approach a group comfortably. The woman is with her friends and feels safe, more willing to give you a shot.
That said, it can be easier to approach a girl on her own because it’s less intimidating for the guy and there are less distractions for her. And if you do it on the street in broad daylight, you immediately set yourself apart because girls so rarely get approached like that (of course, sometimes this backfires and the girl just thinks you’re weird).
I try not to think about it too much and just go talk to whoever I’m interested in, regardless of the situation. If I leave it more than three seconds to approach a girl after seeing her, I start over-thinking it and the moment is usually lost.
Niall,
I was just wondering what you would do if everything goes well with a girl what you would do? Can you really date? Friends? Imagine the girl in the story was into you, what would you have done next?
If that girl had been single and into me, and I found that she was attractive beyond her looks, I imagine I’d be dating her right now.
I’m not in the market for a long-term romantic relationship because I want to continue traveling, but I’d rather a one-month, mutually-fulfilling relationship with a great girl than a bunch of one night stands.
Sex without intimacy doesn’t interest me much. I actually find I miss intimacy more than sex when I’m single. After all, you can always have sex with yourself, but it takes two to be intimate
You know I really needed to hear what you had to say. I am an exchange student in Norway, and it is hard to find intimacy. And i feel like that’s all I really need. Just needed this post to realize that.