Disrupting the Rabblement

Last Monday I delivered my sixth Toastmasters speech, entitled A Dozen Ways I Can Be a Better Public Speaker. The goal was to force myself to do a lot of the things I’d been hesitant to do as a public speaker, such as moving away from the lectern and expressing a controversial opinion. Here’s a video recording of the speech (with thanks to Dominic for manning the camera)…

The dozen ways:

1. Open dynamically
2. Get rid of the lectern
3. Use direct eye contact
4. Loosen up the body language
5. Sound like I care
6. Express a controversial opinion with confidence
7. Use less notes
8. Use notes on purpose, not by accident
9. Use long pauses
10. Video tape myself speaking in front of an audience
11. Involve the audience
12. Finish strong

Recently I’ve been trying to recognize my own fears as they arise, then attempting to overrule those fears with curiosity. An example:

• Fearful thought: “I can’t ask that girl out; she might reject me.”
• Curious thought: “I wonder what will happen if I ask that girl out.”

My curiosity and my fear are always battling with one another. When fear wins that battle, I do nothing, and so I lose. The challenge is to make my curiosity stronger than my fear.

Learned behavior

Us humans are funny creatures, fearing situations we create in our own minds. That’s a learned behavior; we’re not born with that. Think of how a child learns. It’s all through curiosity. “I wonder what happens if I put my hand in the fire.” They’re not afraid because they don’t know any better. But as children grow, they learn not to be so curious and not to take risks, because that might result in pain, failure or rejection. Curiosity dies, fear wins, we lose.

A common misconception about fear

Most people, when they fear doing something, avoid taking action until the fear goes away. “I’m too afraid right now. I’ll do it when I’m feeling more confident.”

The problem is that fear never just goes away by itself. Most people have it backwards. You don’t overcome the fear and then do the thing; you do the thing and then you overcome the fear.

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave.” – Seneca

I’ve found this to be true time and time again in my own life. Two specific examples:

• I was terrified of public speaking, so I made myself go and talk in front of 20-30 people each week at Toastmasters. With each speech, my fear subsided, and now I look forward to the Monday meetings in that big old library on St. Charles.
• Many times I’ve been afraid to approach certain people in social situations. On those occasions when I ignore that fear and approach such people anyway, the fear always evaporates, regardless of whether I make a good impression or crash and burn.

More curiosity, less fear

I believe the key here is to keep with you that sense of wonder at all times, like a child.

If someone at a party looks interesting, go talk to him/her, and do so enthusiastically. If they’re not responsive, don’t get dejected; remain curious. “Hmm, that person didn’t want to talk. I wonder if this person does.”

If you’re afraid of flying, diminish that fear by focusing on all the incredible experiences that could await you overseas. Start imagining what it might be like to explore the streets of Beijing or to hike with some CouchSurfers through the Italian countryside.

The fear ebbs, curiosity flows.

If something goes horribly wrong, don’t fear the repercussions. Remain analytical. “Okay, that didn’t go exactly as planned, probably because of X, Y and Z. I’ll try it a different way next time and see if I get better results.”

In the moment

The trick for me is remembering to be curious in the moment. That’s the hardest part. I’ll often look back at a situation and realize I was being ruled more by fear than by curiosity. But I’m getting better, becoming conscious of those moments as they occur, then reminding myself to wonder. The results have been encouraging.

Closing it out with some wise words…

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do… Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

There’s a diagram in Steven Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that I always try to keep in mind. It looks like this:

The circles represent the two areas where you can focus your time and energy. The vast majority of people focus too much time and energy outside of their Circle of Influence, in their Circle of Concern. Such people typically worry about things they cannot control, such as the weather next weekend or war in the Middle East. Preoccupying yourself with issues like that is a huge waste of time and energy.

Covey notes that highly effective people think and act primarily within their Circle of Influence. They forget about the things over which they have no control, preferring to focus their time and energy on issues where they can actually make a difference. By doing this, they gradually expand their Circle of Influence as they earn more power and respect.

Where do you spend most of your time and energy?

If all you do is sit at home each evening, shaking your head as you watch crime reports on the local news, wondering what the world is coming to, you’re way out in your Circle of Concern. If you were working within your Circle of Influence, you’d be busy attending community action meetings, or volunteering to coach youth sports, providing leadership and guidance to build a better future for your community.

I used to worry a lot about public speaking, afraid I’d stumble over my words or just generally sound like a fool whenever I’d address a group of people. I’d get worked up at even the thought of raising my hand at a conference; my heart would be pounding and I’d have to try convince myself that I wasn’t about to ask a stupid question. I was very much out there in my Circle of Concern. Eventually, I decided to step back into my Circle of Influence, which I did by joining Toastmasters five months ago. Now I’m able to speak and communicate comfortably in front of 25-30 people each week. Earlier this month I took part in my club’s humorous speech contest, standing up there without notes and telling everyone about the first time I tried to “chat up” a girl. It went very well (the speech, not the chatting up).

Giving a speech like that was something I could never have done six months ago when I was out in my Circle of Concern.

Let me list some common things people worry about (Circle of Concern), followed by an example of something they could do to improve the situation (Circle of Influence):

• The environment – recycle your plastic
• Personal finances – learn new skills to find a job or earn a promotion
• Physical health – exercise for 20 minutes daily
• Being single – work on your social skills so you can meet more potential partners
• The future – build a time machine

Whenever you’re getting worked up over something, ask yourself, “What can I do to change this situation for the better?” Figure out some good ideas and act on them. If you really can’t think of anything, realize that you’re wasting valuable time and energy worrying about the issue. Let it go, and redirect your resources to an area where you can actually make a difference.

If I may close this one out by quoting Jurassic 5:

Yo, either you a part of the problem, or part of the solution

What’s your contribution to life?

So many people complain, always talk about change yo

But what’s your contribution to life?

Either you with or ain’t with it, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Yo what’s your contribution to life?

Either you give or you take, make moves or you wait yo

But what’s your contribution to life?

…

If you like the above post, you might be interested in reading about a recent, week-long project of mine called Random Acts of Courage. The idea was to go out every day and attempt ten different challenges, each one designed to push me out of my comfort zone. The week began with me speaking on national radio, and ended with my first Salsa class and a freshly shaved head. In between I did some street singing, lay down in a department store, flirted with the hottest girl in the room, and a whole lot more. Watch videos and read all about Random Acts of Courage here.