Disrupting the Rabblement

A friend recently asked me if I was worried that the vagabond lifestyle I intend to undertake would result in me missing out on those deep and meaningful relationships which usually take time and commitment to develop. Another buddy recently made a case that having a few quality close friends certainly beats having a bunch of casual acquaintances.

These are legitimate concerns and I’ve thought long and hard about them. I’ll give you some of my resolutions at the end of this post. First though, I thought it would be a good idea to ask people who are already living the vagabond lifestyle to share their first-hand experiences. I was delighted to get back thoughtful responses from Colin Wright of Exile Lifestyle, Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Non-Conformity, and Benny Lewis of Fluent in 3 Months.

Colin Wright, Exile Lifestyle

Colin moves to a different country every four months, as elected by his readers. Right now he’s in Thailand, having just completed an epic two-month road trip across the United States. His thoughts on relationships as a location independent professional:

Basically, so long as you’re able to slightly adjust the way you approach relationships, you’ll be fine.

What I mean by this is that as Americans, we’re fed a VERY specific idea of what it is to be happy (a la the American Dream) from a very young age. Disney movies, sit-coms, Saturday morning cartoons, they all reaffirm this philosophy, and at the end of the day it leads back to consumerism (but that’s a different conversation).

The end result of this programming is that we believe the only legitimate reason to get into a relationships is if it will potentially end with marriage, kids, a dog, a trampoline, etc. Unfortunately, if you’re traveling this goal may not be realistic, as being in a long-term relationship can be a special kind of torture (and make you miss out on all kinds of opportunities), and building a relationship while you travel in the first place can be incredibly difficult due to time and geographic restrictions.

The important thing to keep in mind is this: you can have very strong connections with people without there needing to be marriage in your future. In fact, I would argue that these connections can be even stronger because there is a time limit.

It’s like the difference between spending your whole life saving for retirement (and only then letting loose and having old-man fun) and saving a little now, but mostly enjoying your life while you’re young. Relationships are an investment, and though you SHOULD leave yourself open to the possibility of something longer term, you should also most definitely allow yourself to enjoy life now with life-minded people who may not be looking to wait for retirement to enjoy everything the world has to offer.

What this means in practice is mini-relationships. Since I started traveling I’ve had only a few of these (I’m picky), but the ones I’ve had have been great, if short. Unfortunately it seems like I never meet someone I really like until I’m about to leave the city they live in, so I’ve had a few whirlwind weeks of dating and excitement and fun. Leaving really sucks, but it’s good in a way, because then we both have a time-limit and neither feels like we need to get hung up on little problems like couples normally do. What reason could there possibly be to argue if you both know that you’re only together for a week?!

SO, there’s that.

When it comes to non-romantic relationships, I would say that traveling gives you the chance to build more, stronger relationships than you could have staying in one place.

Sure, if you live a static lifestyle you can meet a handful of people and get really close because you’re always around each other, but in a way this is kind of like saying your brother is your best friend…well of course he is, you’ve had no choice but to be around him for 20+ years.

On the other hand, there will be people you meet while traveling that you are able to interact with in person for only a handful of hours (or less!) that you stay in touch with and reconnect with and learn from and teach for the rest of your life. I already have a few people like this in my life, and I wouldn’t give them up for the world, despite the fact that we’ll likely only see each other in person every couple years, if that.

The Internet definitely gives us a lot of ammunition when it comes to building relationships, too, because it allows for quick followup and incredibly casual rounding out of a person you only met briefly. There was a girl who I shared a few afternoons with in Lima that I ended up staying with for a week while in Auckland. She’s a super-rad person, and if we hadn’t been able to keep in touch via Facebook and email, we may never have been able to get to know each other better.

So I guess my main words of wisdom are don’t worry! The way you approach and manage relationships will change a bit, but the opportunity to create even stronger bonds more than makes up for any initial uncomfortableness you may feel about the prospect.

Chris Guillebeau, The Art of Non-Conformity

Chris is on a mission to visit every country in the world before his 35th birthday in 2013 (he’s about 80% done as of this writing). He also just released his first book — The Art of Non-Conformity: Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World — which I’ve already devoured and highly recommend. His thoughts on relationships as a vagabond:

It’s not a problem for me for a couple of reasons:

1. First and most importantly, I do have a home base (Portland, Oregon) and I’m there at least as much as I’m elsewhere. I don’t go out or do much when I’m home, but I have a small group of close friends that I see often there.

2. Second, much of my community is online — so wherever I am, I spend a lot of time connecting that way. I understand that some people feel that online relationships are superficial, but I don’t share that belief.

3. Lastly, as I travel now I meet with readers and colleagues wherever I go. Again, some people might feel that those relationships are superficial, but that hasn’t really been the case. Instead, I’ve found that I have a ready-made community in many parts of the world. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Benny Lewis, Fluent in 3 Months

Benny is a fellow Irishman. When he was 21 years old, he spoke just English fluently. Now he’s 28 and speaks 8 languages fluently, having immersed himself in many different cultures over the years. He’s currently living in Budapest, on a 3-month mission to become fluent in Hungarian. His thoughts on relationships as a well-traveled polyglot:

I have reached a sane balance, but I haven’t reached a perfect balance just yet. I have accepted that many relationships I have must be somewhat superficial, while I will work to make them as deep as possible despite my short stay. I maintain relationships with all good friends online and meet up with people again regularly, which is always fantastic. Facebook and MSN have been essential in making sure that I keep in touch and then help me see the people again to form even deeper bonds.

Maintaining romantic relationships is notoriously difficult because as a traveller you already have this stamp of sailor-with-a-girl-at-every-port that will make so many girls sceptical, even if you are genuinely interested. And I have seen long-distance romantic relationships break down so often that I would never attempt to keep one alive myself unless I was absolutely sure she was “the one”. I am honest about this from the onset. Ironically however, many of my romantic relationships end actually because she has to travel away! The circles I associate with means I spend time with other travellers a lot, but I’m a more “fixed” traveller so when something seems to be going well it ends because she has to go home or elsewhere. As I said, irony – people expect me to be the one going around leaving broken hearts all over the world

So my “words of wisdom” on the topic are that most of us are still figuring it out ourselves Travel makes you wiser in so many ways, but in other ways I’m just as confused as any other 28 year old about these matters!

A few of my own thoughts on relationships as a vagabond:

Quality vs. quantity

A common argument is that you’re better off having a small, tight circle of real friends than a massive sprawling web of shallow connections. But that’s only looking at quality vs. quantity from one direction. The assumption being made is that you can only have so many deep and meaningful relationships because you only have so much time; you need to spend lots of time with each person to form a deep and meaningful connection.

But what if we apply the quality vs. quantity concept to time? What if we cut out all the small talk and the time sitting together, speechless, watching crappy TV shows? What if we started being more upfront with each other from the start instead of trying to feel each other out, waiting to see if it’s safe to share how we really feel? What if we started making better use of what little time we have with each other?

Sometimes a minute is all you need with someone to change their life or vice versa. If you fail to see the potential in those meetings, it’s unlikely you’ll ever be a part of such change.

I take solace in the fact that I’ve gotten much better at introducing elephants and being myself around people from the get-go. I believe these things make a huge difference in the quality of my relationships.

Either/or

Either/or thinking is not thinking with integrity. I believe you can have a handful of those thriving, long-term relationships while also building and maintaining many casual acquaintances. You don’t have to choose one extreme or the other; you can maintain a balance.

I’m satisfied with the balance I maintain. My cousin, back in Ireland, has been my best friend for more than a dozen years. (We only talk once a month via Skype, but we’re still as tight as ever.) I’m single now, but when I’m in a relationship I treasure the close and intimate connection. I have several friends here in New Orleans who I enjoy spending regular time with, and several more back in Ireland who I’ll always consider best buds. But I also have friends on Facebook who I’ve never met. Usually, at a party, I try to meet and connect with as many people as possible, even if there’s a good chance I’ll never see those people again.

And then there are the in-between friends; people who I haven’t spent a lot of time with, but what time we do spend together is always quality. We get right to important stuff, talk deeply and listen carefully. I may not get together very often with such friends, but I believe I know them and that they know me better than many couples know each other. You can form deep relationships quickly when you’re constantly working on your awareness and you have a genuine interest and curiosity in other people.

No worries

So, am I worried about missing out on those deep and meaningful friendships as a vagabond? I can’t say that I am. If anything, I’m excited about finding more of them. I understand and respect the fact that some people prefer to maintain a small circle of close friends, hanging out with the same few people every weekend, but that’s not for me. I enjoy meeting new people too much, connecting with different folks in different ways, seeing what I can learn from everyone who comes into my life.

…

Many thanks to Colin, Chris, and Benny for their responses above. I hope you’ll take some time to explore their websites. I’ve learned a lot from each of them.

I’ve been writing on this blog for almost a year now, and I think it’s about time I defined my audience. I want to make it easy for you to know if my writing is aimed at you, or not.

First, let me remind you of the kind of life I’m trying to build for myself: This November I will be quitting my nice-and-steady 9-to-5 web design job, leaving New Orleans and heading back to Ireland. There I will set up my own business and spend a few months figuring out how to make a living online without working crazy hours. I’ll be working on projects I’m passionate about, building my audience and reputation, and setting myself up for location independence.

Before the calendar flips to May 2011, I will quickly and easily relocate to Spain and spend a maximum of six months there, learning the language from scratch. I will be fluent by the time I leave in the Autumn.

Beyond that, I’m not sure. I will probably travel on through Europe, experience several different cultures en route to Southeast Asia, and I intend to be back in the USA in 2013 for an epic 3-month road trip.

All along the way, my aim will be to help and inspire people to live the life of their dreams. I figure I’ll be somewhat of an authority on the subject, since I’ll be living mine.

So where do you fit in?

I will be pouring my heart and soul into this blog in the hopes of inspiring you to be the best person you can be. I don’t want you to live vicariously through me, reading about my adventures and thinking “Wow, I could never do that.”

No, I want you to go write your own script and live it, too. I want you on this journey with me.

If you read this blog regularly for the next twelve months and your life ends up looking exactly the same, then I’ll have failed you. I’d rather not waste your time like that. Hence this post.

The kind of people I’ll be writing for

• Action-oriented people
• Goal-oriented people
• Open-minded people
• Passionate people
• Heretics
• Change-makers
• Risk takers
• Positive people
• People who love learning
• People who want to change, and want to make change
• People who want to be part of the solution
• People who want to help others

If the above sounds like you, or the person you’re aiming to become, stick around. I think we’ll get along great. In fact, I’d love to get to know you better. Send me a message via e-mail, Facebook or Twitter.

The kind of people who are wasting their time here

• Folks who spend hours watching TV or playing video games each day
• People who expect life to be easy
• Destructive critics
• Pessimists, doomsayers and energy vampires
• People who settle for mediocrity
• People who think material possessions will make them happy
• Anyone who thinks one person can’t make a difference
• Anyone who thinks they don’t have a choice
• People who run from their fears
• People who project their own limitations onto others
• Disrespectful people

(A special message for the last crowd on the above list: I’m fine with you disagreeing with my viewpoints, but you must be respectful. One person left two disrespectful comments on my last post, and I promptly deleted both of them. Sorry, but I’m not going to spend any time or energy arguing with trolls. I’d rather spend that time and energy writing a new post that will help and inspire respectful people.)

If you find you identified more with that second list, well then this is where we part ways. Don’t worry, there are plenty of other blogs out there that you can read instead of mine. No hard feelings. Have a nice life.

If you’re still with me, great. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog. I’ll keep trying hard to add value to your life and help you be the best you can be. I’m just getting started on this journey of mine, and I’m looking forward to your company.

I came across an interesting concept a few years ago — I’ve long since forgotten where — that I’d like to share with you today. The concept is quite simple: Imagine that there are two sides to your personality: the parent and the child.

Your inner child

Imagine that the child side of your personality is responsible for all those primal urges and knee-jerk decisions. The child is that side of you that thinks it’s perfectly okay to eat McDonalds everyday, to sit on the couch every evening watching mindless TV shows, and to blurt out stupid things at inopportune times.

The child follows every whim, for better or worse, never thinking ahead or considering the consequences of each action. Sometimes that childish spontaneity turns out to be a good thing, since quite often the best way to learn more about what interests you is to march right up and interact with it directly. The child also has that sense of wonder about the world, and likes to question why everything works the way it does.

Your inner parent

And then there’s the parent side of your personality. That’s the little voice of reason and experience inside of you, less likely to act on impulse. The parent advises against blowing your whole paycheck on a Playstation, reminds you to buckle up, and sends you to your room to think about what you did. On the downside, the parent half of you has been conditioned by society not to go against the grain, not to think freely, not to cause a scene.

Which one should you listen to?

You shouldn’t just listen to one side all the time. Sometimes your parent side will serve you better. Sometimes your child side will. Listen to both when it comes time to make a decision. Identify which side wants what and why, consider the likely outcome of each path, then pick a side and act.

(Granted, it’s not really child-like if you always pause to look before you leap, but that’s okay. Spontaneity will return later, as you internalize what makes a good decision and what doesn’t.)

Which one do you listen to?

Mostly parent or mostly child? Would you be better off listening less to one and more to the other? Can you strike a better balance than you currently do?

A few weeks ago I wrote about three people who inspire me. I received feedback from a reader who didn’t agree with my choices. Finding something he didn’t like about each of the three people I had listed, he seemed convinced it was a waste of time to consider any of the knowledge they had to share.

I didn’t think that was such a good idea. In my view, having an attitude like that hurts only you.

To illustrate my point, let’s take Steve Pavlina, one of those three people who inspire me. Steve believes in and sometimes writes about psychic phenomena and the paranormal. For example, about eighteen months ago he wrote about the spirit of a dead friend helping him win at blackjack. My reaction to that article was probably similar to the reaction of most people: “Man, this guy’s crazy.” However, I wasn’t about to let that one disagreement stop me from reading and appreciating other articles on Steve’s site. Instead, I just filed it away in the “Things I don’t necessarily agree with” part of my brain, and continued on. Good thing, too, because I’ve since received many valuable insights from other articles Steve has written.

It takes effort

Writing people completely off because you disagree with something they say is nothing short of laziness. When you do that, you’re effectively saying, “I couldn’t be bothered getting to know this person completely, so I’ll just make a sweeping judgment about them based on the few things I do know.” Granted, nobody has the time or the capacity to truly know everyone they come into contact with, but we can be conscious of those snap judgments we make about others and how we may deprive ourselves of important lessons because of them.

Nobody’s perfect

It’s important to realize that nobody is perfect. If you’re holding out for an infallible mentor to show you the light, you’re in for a long wait. Consider these brief descriptions of two famous historical figures:

1. The first man was a charismatic leader and a decorated war hero. He preferred a vegetarian diet, never smoked, rarely drank alcohol and was faithful to his wife.
2. The second man died without a penny to his name. He regularly defied laws and was imprisoned many times. He often appeared indifferent towards his family and had an especially strained relationship with his son.

The first man is Adolf Hitler. The second is Mahatma Gandhi. Obviously the above descriptions are extremely selective, but they go to show that even the best of people have their flaws while the worst have their redeeming qualities. I like to believe we can learn valuable lessons from both these men — even, in the case of Hitler, if those lessons are mostly of the “what not to do” variety — and from everybody who falls between them in the spectrum of good and evil.

The Bible

Not so long ago, if you had quoted a bible verse at me, I would have considered you a brainwashed lunatic who could never teach me anything worth knowing. Then I came to this realization that everybody and everything has at least some truth. Gradually I came to see that the bible was no different. Sure, it calls homosexuality an abomination (Leviticus 20:13) and encourages you to burn witches (Exodus 22:18), but it also contains great lessons about love, truth and self-discipline.

As A.J. Jacobs concluded in The Year of Living Biblically, it’s impossible and often immoral to follow every word of the bible, but the book can indeed enhance your life if you focus on the right parts and live by the lessons contained in them. You just have to persevere through many inconsistencies and a bunch of stuff you’ll probably disagree with. You must use that mind you’ve been blessed with to separate the wheat from the chaff and arrive at your own truth.

Against the grain

If you tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive, don’t worry, you’re not alone. As humans, we’re predisposed to give more attention to the bad things in life. It’s a survival instinct. Scientists have proven that something we perceive as bad will have a stronger and more lasting affect on our brains than something we perceive as good (see author David Rock talk about it from the 20-minute mark of this YouTube video). That’s why you can thoroughly enjoy the first ninety minutes of a movie, only to have the whole experience ruined by an implausible ending. Somehow those last few minutes negate the previous ninety and you come away disappointed.

Again, it takes effort to focus on the good rather than the bad, but that effort is worth undertaking, because there’s no growth if you choose the lazy way out. With laziness you limit yourself to seeing problems instead of opportunities.

Learning from everyone

You don’t have to agree with everything someone says or does to learn from them. In fact, I’d argue that you learn the least from the people you agree with the most. Think about it: how much can someone really teach you if you’re already nodding your head in agreement before they finish a sentence?