Note from Niall: Below is a guest post by Trevor Pirtle of Nakefy Your Mind. And above is a video of me and Trevor chatting about the post, and other random things that occur to us. If you can’t see said video, clickedy here.

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Oftentimes people just accept the manners, the rules, the tendencies, the social norms of their society or work. We tend to think that because everyone else is doing it must be the right way to do it, right? Not necessarily.

There was an experiment done with five monkeys locked in a cage with a ladder that led to a banana.

Every time one of the monkeys would climb the ladder, a scientist would spray ALL the monkeys with ice-cold water. When a different monkey tried the same thing, they got the same results, everyone got drenched in ice-cold water. The monkeys decided that banana wasn’t worth it, if another monkey tried for the banana, the others would beat him up before he could get up the ladder to insure they would not get sprayed with the water.

After the all monkeys stopped going for the banana, a new monkey was replaced and the scientist would no longer spray the monkeys no matter what happened. Of course, when this new monkey saw the banana he would make his way toward the ladder only to get beat up by the fellow monkeys. The newbie quickly understood that ladder was not to be climbed.

When a second monkey replaced one of the originals, he too would start to make his way toward the banana. Just like before, all of the monkeys would beat up the monkey going toward the banana. What’s interesting is that the monkey who was never sprayed with the water would beat up the new monkey with just as much enthusiasm as the others.

This same thing would happen even when all of the monkeys in the cage had been replaced, and none of them had ever been sprayed with cold water. If one of the monkeys asked, “Why do you beat me up when I try to get the banana?” The others would respond, “I don’t know, that’s just the way we do things around here.”

Don’t just be another monkey, question everything. Find out the real reason and benefit for everything that you do, especially if you work for a big company.

Here are some things you may have never questioned before

1. Why do you wear underwear? Is it because it’s so amazingly comfortable?
2. Do you really need to use soap, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, or cologne/perfume? Do you think it’s natural to have bad B.O. just because everyone else does? Maybe it’s what you’re putting into your body?
3. Why do you think you need running shoes with lots of cushion? Did humans evolve needing shoes to run? Have you ever tried running barefoot?
4. Why does the next day start in the middle of the night? Wouldn’t it make more sense of the next day started at like 5 in the morning?
5. Why do you work a job you don’t enjoy? or for a boss you don’t like? or with coworkers who don’t inspire you? Is there a better option?
6. What’s the real reason you drink coffee or alcohol, or smoke cigarettes or cannabis? Is there a way to accomplish that same goal without purchasing and doing drugs?
7. Are you questioning everything you do at work to understand the whole process and see if it’s the most efficient way?
8. Is school really the best way to learn how to make money and be happy?

One of the most valuable things to question is so important it needs its own section. Here’s why it’s important to…

Question What You’re Learning

One of the most important factors in learning is that we need to know the reason for learning something. This is why it’s important to always question what you’re reading. What is my purpose for reading this? What am I trying to learn from this?

For example, the reason you may be reading this article is because you want to learn how to think for yourself and to be more creative and efficient.

When you have a clear purpose of WHY you’re reading an article, your subconscious mind knows what to gather and store in your memory. If you don’t tell your subconscious mind what’s important, how do you expect it to remember what you want?

It’s good practice to consciously think of your purpose of reading an article before you start reading it. As you go along you may find, with the new information presented in the article, that you have new reasons for reading. If so, pause and restate what you want to learnt from the article before continuing on. This will do wonders for your ability to retain the information YOU want to retain.

Another important part of the learning process is that we are most interested in subjects that have immediate relevance to their work and/or personal lives. That would involve asking questions such as how is this going to help me now? And how can I apply this to my work/life to get results now?

Whenever you’re doing something, whether it’s reading a blog post, watching the news, accepting an invitation to socialize… ask yourself, what is my purpose for doing this?

Oftentimes I’ll find myself reading an article and after a little while I’ll ask myself, what is the point of reading this? The reason I ask is not because I’m not entertained or not enjoying what I’m reading, it’s that I’m not really learning anything of value that I can apply to my life right now. And because of this lack of immediate application it feels like a waste of time.

Sometimes when I’m reading I think, “Oh this is some good information, but it’s not going to help me now.” If so, I’ll make a note to read or watch it sometime in the future. Some things that I read I think, “This is not going to help me ever,” and cast it aside, never to be returned to again. I feel it’s safe to say that most things you’ll encounter fall under the latter. That is, unless you’ve done a very good job at filtering out unnecessary noise.

If you can’t apply what you’re reading to your life right now it’s not worth your time. But of course if you’re reading fiction for enjoyment, this does not apply.

To wrap this up

Don’t just be a monkey, question everything, your thoughts, your desires, how you spend your time, the “right” way to do things, even question the idea of questioning everything.

How has questioning, instead of blindly accepting, changed your life? What do you now do differently because you questioned the status quo?

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Hi! I’m Trevor Pirtle, author of the blog, Nakefy Your Mind. The theme of the blog is deconditioning your mind to all of the beliefs and ideas that society has given you, and learning to find out the truth for yourself. Take, for example, the article Why Do You Eat Cheese?

I was one of Niall’s first customers for his $50 Blog service. I couldn’t be happier with the service, check out my blog to see what he can do for you.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

As you know from my last post, I’ve invested a lot of time over the past few months in learning Spanish. Before I moved to Spain this summer, I hadn’t tried to speak a foreign language since I left secondary school over a decade ago, save for a couple of weeks of Italian last year. Today I want to talk about all the side-benefits you get from learning a second language, lessons that can be applied to many other areas of your life.

1. Figure out your preferred learning style

If you had asked me back in April which learning style was best for me, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. Now I know that I’m very much a visual learner. Hearing the same word repeated over and over again doesn’t help me remember as well as seeing it written out just once. Now that I’m aware of this, I can tackle other learning challenges in a visual way and speed along that curve.

2. More confidence speaking your native language

If you ever find yourself stuck for words in your native language, spend a few months trying to converse in a foreign tongue. Then go back to your first language and you’ll find it hard to keep your mouth shut. I discovered this when I attended the World Domination Summit in the US after my first month in Spain. I felt like I was suddenly free to fully express myself with all those English-speaking people around, and I took full advantage of it by talking to everyone I possibly could.

Similarly, as I’ve been traveling through France this week, I find myself hoping to run into some folks who speak Spanish. Suddenly that language doesn’t seem so difficult to me when compared to French!

3. Sharpened communication skills

Several things here:

• Learning another language requires that you spend a lot of time listening attentively, and as such you can’t help but become a better listener. I find I’m no longer so easily distracted while listening to someone else speak. (Related article: 9 ways to listen like a champ)
• You get much better at reading other people’s gestures and facial expressions. I’m not even sure exactly how I figure out what someone is saying to me when I don’t understand the words they’re speaking (as has happened several times in France this week), but my guess is that I’ve gotten better at picking up all those subtle non-verbal ques that we all use every day, and at taking into consideration the context of every conversation.
• You also become more expressive yourself, no longer relying just on words to communicate. It’s pretty amazing how much you can say with body language and facial expressions alone.

4. Kill your perfectionist tendencies

I consider myself a recovering perfectionist, and the cure can’t come fast enough. Learning a second language has really helped me appreciate just how much my perfectionism gets in the way of my progress. I know I speak much better Spanish when I forget about being perfect just let the words come out. People are generally patient and can understand what I’m trying to communicate, even when my sentences are littered with mistakes.

I’ve been gradually chipping away at my perfectionist tendencies, and while I know I still have a long way to go, learning another language has definitely helped me knock off some big chunks.

5. Assurance that you can succeed at anything

I’ve had many ups and downs while learning Spanish. Some days I feel like I’m making huge strides and really starting to get into a flow with the language, while other days I struggle to understand even simple sentences and it crosses my mind to just give up altogether. But as I’ve written about before, I know that I can’t help but eventually succeed so long as I keep putting forth consistent effort and experimenting regularly.

Seeing how far I’ve come with my Spanish in just one summer has really strengthened that belief, and I find myself gradually working towards success in many other areas of my life using the same approach.

How about you?

What hidden benefits have you experienced from learning a second language? Let me know in the comments.

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Welcome Fluent In 3 Months readers!

I’m fortunate enough to have a guest post about my experience learning Spanish on Benny Lewis’ excellent Fluent In 3 Months site today. For those of you who’ve just come over via Fi3M, welcome!

If you’d like to learn more about Disrupting the Rabblement, or become a part of the legendary rabble rousing community we’ve got growing here, here are a few things you can do:

1) Join my mailing list via the form below. You’ll get new articles from me twice weekly, and exclusive access to my monthly traffic and finance reports, which detail how I’m growing this site and transitioning to sustainable self-employment.

2) Find me on Twitter and Facebook.

3) Check out the free Disrupting the Rabblement manifesto. It’s all about thinking for yourself, living your dreams, and pissing off zombies. 44 pages of freedom, and you can download it here.

4) Share your biggest, most ridiculous goal here. More than 50 other rabble rousers have already shared what they’re up to. Quite inspiring to read down through all those comments

5) Send me an email or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

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P.S. Hello from Nantes! I just arrived from Bordeaux after another eventful day of hitchhiking. I’ll be sure to share in my next post all about the French driver who told me he could feel my soul and gifted me a tiny rock that he claimed came from the tomb of Mary Magdalene!

Can’t see the video? Click here.

I’m not that smart. Neither are you. There’s a whole helluva lot that even the brightest among us don’t know about the world. Even when we put our heads together and combine our knowledge, we still fail to find answers to some big important questions.

I used to try hide my ridiculous lack of knowledge. Not so many years ago, if you had used a word in conversation that I wasn’t familiar with, I would have nodded along as if I understood perfectly. I didn’t want you think I was an idiot for not knowing what apathy meant. Nowadays I’ll ask you to please back up and explain.

Because at some point I realized that it’s okay not to know. You actually learn much faster when you admit that you don’t know something, because then you’re free to ask questions. You ditch the ego and the pretense and allow some new stuff to enter your brain.

20 things I don’t know

1. I don’t know how to start this list
2. I don’t know how to succeed in business
3. I don’t know how I’m going to pull off my RTW trip
4. I don’t know who I’ll be a year from now
5. I don’t know if veganism is really the healthiest diet for me
6. I don’t know if I’ll ever settle down and do the wife and kids thing
7. I don’t know how this post will turn out
8. I don’t know how to do a handstand
9. I don’t know what happens after we die
10. I don’t know how to cook a nice couscous dish
11. I don’t know what a Justin Bieber song sounds like
12. I don’t know much about travel hacking
13. I don’t know much about language hacking
14. I don’t know general car maintenance
15. I don’t know if life is meaningful or meaningless
16. I don’t know what it feels like to stroll around Paris
17. I don’t know how to avoid the occasional downswing
18. I don’t know how to write a bestseller
19. I don’t know if it’s better to work in short bursts or long slogs
20. I don’t know what it’s like to be in a long-term relationship

That’s just a sampling, off the top of my head. Let’s not forget all the things I don’t know that I don’t know yet. That would make for an infinitely longer

list

Some folks come to this blog looking for advice on how to live their lives. Sorry, I have no idea. I’m still figuring out how to live mine. The best I can do is share what works for me, and what doesn’t. Hopefully you get something useful out of that.

I don’t even know about the stuff I do know about

Take web design for example. I consider myself an ace at CSS and the like, but I often have to google for answers. Yeah, this is something I consider myself an expert at and I’m still having to go ask Google for help.

And that’s okay. I don’t have to know everything. I believe it’s more important to have a strong imagination, a willingness to learn, and a healthy dose of proactivity.

There’s a story about Henry Ford that I absolutely love. Back in 1919 he sued a Chicago newspaper for libel after they referred to him as “an ignorant idealist” because of his opposition to the US involvement in World War I. As part of their defense, the newspaper’s attorneys set out to prove that Ford was indeed ignorant by putting him on the stand and asking him a series of general knowledge questions. Ford admitted that he couldn’t answer most of them, but noted that he had the means to, with the touch of a button, summon to his aid people who could supply any knowledge he desired.

Ford understood that he didn’t need to know everything. All he needed to know was how to find answers to specific questions in a timely manner.

Book knowledge vs. real knowledge

If you had asked me about marketing back in January I would have had lots to tell you. I’d been following a bunch of marketing blogs for a while and had read a couple of Seth Godin’s books. Everything made perfect sense. I was sure I got it.

But now it’s August and I’ve come to realize how little I really learned from all my reading. I did a pretty terrible job of marketing my online course, and I’m finding it tougher than expected to get the word out about my latest project.

I thought I knew a lot about marketing, but it’s become apparent that I don’t. That gap between theory and true knowledge is even bigger than I suspected.

I am learning though, gradually getting better at this marketing lark. And it’s not because of some super-fantastic new ebook that I stumbled upon, but because I’ve been taking action, allowing myself to fail, and trying hard to learn from my mistakes.

There’s that quote from Benny Franklin that rings especially true right here:

Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.

Get yourself involved and you’ll find out pretty quick how real your knowledge is.

Be aware of how little you know

I believe the smartest people in the world are those who realize how clueless they really are. That doesn’t mean they feel stupid all the time and are constantly second-guessing themselves. It simply means that they remain open to new ideas and experiences, they test their assumptions and allow themselves to be proven wrong.

They don’t derive their confidence from knowing more than other people, but from knowing they can adapt to whatever life throws at them.

Those three words

So, what are the three most intelligent words in the English language? Well, I’ve used them several times throughout this post, but no worries if you can’t figure it out. There’s no shame in not knowing. You can always ask in the comments

What don’t you know?

Can’t see the video? Click here.

To show you fine folks how I’m getting along with learning Spanish, I met up with my good friend María in Burgos on Sunday and recorded the conversation you can see in the video above. Watch me struggle to think of words and butcher pronunciations

Keep in mind though that I had almost zero Español when I arrived in Spain on May 3rd. Considering that, I’m quite happy with my progress so far. I feel I recently turned a corner and my learning has started to accelerate.

But of course, I still have a long way to go. My goal is to reach a respectable level of fluency by the time I leave Spain in mid-August. To help me get there, I plan to NOT speak any English during the month of July, except when I record videos and partake in language exchange. I often get lazy and speak English with several of my friends here, which doesn’t do my Spanish any good.

Overcoming perfectionism

Another video you should check out is the recent TBEX talk given by Benny Lewis of Fluent In 3 Months. Benny is a language hacker who speaks eight languages fluently, and delivers an overview of his learning approach in that video.

As he mentions at about the 11-minute mark, one of the biggest hindrances to learning a language is perfectionism:

Perfectionists are terrible language learners. If you’re so focused on making sure you have exactly the right word, or exactly the right grammar, you are not going to speak the language ever, because you can never speak the language at 100%. You’ll always have some words you don’t know, you’ll always mess up the grammar a little bit.

Benny has me convinced. Perfectionism is a curse when learning languages, and it’s something I’m trying to overcome. You can see in my conversation with María that I hesitate often, or ask her how to say something, rather than just go ahead and give it my best shot. I’m overly concerned about about failure, as if I expect to be mocked or judged whenever I get something wrong.

What’s especially strange is the disconnect there. Whenever I’m chatting to a Spanish person who only knows a little English, I never mock or judge them for bad grammar or mispronunciation. Who would? They’re making an effort, and you try to understand and help them as best you can.

But, for whatever reason, my expectations are higher when I’m the one trying to speak the foreign language. Bad grammar and mispronunciations suddenly become blasphemy, and I have little tolerance for them.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we beat ourselves up for mistakes that we can so easily forgive others for?

I have to admit though, I used to be much worse with this perfectionism thing. Nowadays I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. Perhaps in the future I’ll set up a support group called Perfectionists Anonymous

I remember how anal I used to be with my English spelling and grammar. I’d take forever to write an email and always reread it a couple of times before sending. I’d hate myself if I discovered a typo too late. I just knew that the receiver would notice it and label me an idiot. Then five minutes later I’d be reading an email someone sent to me and happily shrugging off their typos, assuming that they’d probably just been in a rush when they typed it up.

Again with the disconnect.

I’m probably still too anal with my writing, but I’ve started making strides in the right direction. I no longer spend so much time rereading my emails or blog posts before sending them out. And sometimes I’ll even misspell a word or too on purpose, just to remind myself that the little mistakes don’t mater

As with speaking a new language, the most important thing isn’t to be perfect. The most important thing is to get your message across.

Do you have perfectionist tendencies? How might they be holding you back?

When it comes to making changes and trying new things, we’re often held back by the fear of sucking. For example, say you want to switch careers. You’ve always loved painting but you’re not very good at it. You’ve never sold a piece of art in your life. Truth be told, you kind of suck at painting.

But that’s okay.

Even if you suck at it, you should go ahead and paint if that’s what you love to do. Give yourself permission to suck. Everybody sucks before they no longer suck. There’s a period of suckage we all have to go through before we can create something worthwhile.

Sporty website suck

Take Hornets247.com, the website I started back in 2003. For about 4 years, it sucked. It got very little traffic, very few comments, very little respect.

Now 4 years is a long time to suck, but I loved writing about my favorite basketball team so I stuck with it. Nowadays that website receives thousands of visits each day, facilitates lots of smart discussions, and is affiliated with the biggest sports network in North America. It no longer sucks. Quite the opposite actually.

Sure, there were big changes that needed to be made along the way to stop it from sucking, but the biggest reason that website is what it is today is because I refused to quit during those 4 years of suckage. I knew the website sucked back then, but that was okay. I gave myself permission to suck until I figured it all out.

Spontaneous funny suck

Recently I joined a comedy improv class. It’s an 8 week course where they teach you how to be spontaneously funny on stage. At the end of the course we’ll have a graduation show in front of a live audience.

I sucked in the first two classes, and I’ll probably suck in a few more. Being improv funny is not like my regular way of being funny. There’s a lot I have to learn, and I’ll have to endure some suckage before I start to get it. But that’s okay. I give myself permission to suck. I’ll accept the discomfort and embarrassment for a while. That’s all part of learning.

How to stop sucking

It no longer takes me 4 years to stop sucking at stuff. I’ve learned a few things that help speed up the process. Such as:

1. You can’t do something just once per week and expect to stop sucking in a hurry. Immerse yourself in it as much as possible. Improv comedy class is just once per week, but I’ve arranged practice sessions during the week with other class members. With the Hornets site, I moved to New Orleans and practically stalked the team. I got much better insights doing that than I did analyzing box scores from my bedroom in Ireland.
2. Let go of how you think it should be done. We often have preconceptions of how things work, and we cling to those beliefs because we don’t like having to start over. I thought I should run that Hornets website all by myself, but it was only when I gave up control and invited other writers in did it really stop sucking. Likewise, with improv comedy, I have to let go of my traditional way of being funny and start over. To stop sucking, you have to be open to trying new things.
3. Surround yourself with folks who support you in your efforts to not suck anymore. Learning improv comedy is tough, but it helps immensely that everyone in the class is supportive, in it together. Whatever you’re trying to not suck at, get with other people who are trying the same. It makes a big difference, trust me.

Go forth and suck

Is there something you’ve always wanted to try, but the fear of sucking has held you back? Give yourself permission to be terrible at it for a while. Embrace that discomfort and suckiness. It’s the fastest way to get better.

These are legitimate concerns and I’ve thought long and hard about them. I’ll give you some of my resolutions at the end of this post. First though, I thought it would be a good idea to ask people who are already living the vagabond lifestyle to share their first-hand experiences. I was delighted to get back thoughtful responses from Colin Wright of Exile Lifestyle, Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Non-Conformity, and Benny Lewis of Fluent in 3 Months.

Colin Wright, Exile Lifestyle

Colin moves to a different country every four months, as elected by his readers. Right now he’s in Thailand, having just completed an epic two-month road trip across the United States. His thoughts on relationships as a location independent professional:

Basically, so long as you’re able to slightly adjust the way you approach relationships, you’ll be fine.

What I mean by this is that as Americans, we’re fed a VERY specific idea of what it is to be happy (a la the American Dream) from a very young age. Disney movies, sit-coms, Saturday morning cartoons, they all reaffirm this philosophy, and at the end of the day it leads back to consumerism (but that’s a different conversation).

The end result of this programming is that we believe the only legitimate reason to get into a relationships is if it will potentially end with marriage, kids, a dog, a trampoline, etc. Unfortunately, if you’re traveling this goal may not be realistic, as being in a long-term relationship can be a special kind of torture (and make you miss out on all kinds of opportunities), and building a relationship while you travel in the first place can be incredibly difficult due to time and geographic restrictions.

The important thing to keep in mind is this: you can have very strong connections with people without there needing to be marriage in your future. In fact, I would argue that these connections can be even stronger because there is a time limit.

It’s like the difference between spending your whole life saving for retirement (and only then letting loose and having old-man fun) and saving a little now, but mostly enjoying your life while you’re young. Relationships are an investment, and though you SHOULD leave yourself open to the possibility of something longer term, you should also most definitely allow yourself to enjoy life now with life-minded people who may not be looking to wait for retirement to enjoy everything the world has to offer.

What this means in practice is mini-relationships. Since I started traveling I’ve had only a few of these (I’m picky), but the ones I’ve had have been great, if short. Unfortunately it seems like I never meet someone I really like until I’m about to leave the city they live in, so I’ve had a few whirlwind weeks of dating and excitement and fun. Leaving really sucks, but it’s good in a way, because then we both have a time-limit and neither feels like we need to get hung up on little problems like couples normally do. What reason could there possibly be to argue if you both know that you’re only together for a week?!

SO, there’s that.

When it comes to non-romantic relationships, I would say that traveling gives you the chance to build more, stronger relationships than you could have staying in one place.

Sure, if you live a static lifestyle you can meet a handful of people and get really close because you’re always around each other, but in a way this is kind of like saying your brother is your best friend…well of course he is, you’ve had no choice but to be around him for 20+ years.

On the other hand, there will be people you meet while traveling that you are able to interact with in person for only a handful of hours (or less!) that you stay in touch with and reconnect with and learn from and teach for the rest of your life. I already have a few people like this in my life, and I wouldn’t give them up for the world, despite the fact that we’ll likely only see each other in person every couple years, if that.

The Internet definitely gives us a lot of ammunition when it comes to building relationships, too, because it allows for quick followup and incredibly casual rounding out of a person you only met briefly. There was a girl who I shared a few afternoons with in Lima that I ended up staying with for a week while in Auckland. She’s a super-rad person, and if we hadn’t been able to keep in touch via Facebook and email, we may never have been able to get to know each other better.

So I guess my main words of wisdom are don’t worry! The way you approach and manage relationships will change a bit, but the opportunity to create even stronger bonds more than makes up for any initial uncomfortableness you may feel about the prospect.

Chris Guillebeau, The Art of Non-Conformity

Chris is on a mission to visit every country in the world before his 35th birthday in 2013 (he’s about 80% done as of this writing). He also just released his first book — The Art of Non-Conformity: Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World — which I’ve already devoured and highly recommend. His thoughts on relationships as a vagabond:

It’s not a problem for me for a couple of reasons:

1. First and most importantly, I do have a home base (Portland, Oregon) and I’m there at least as much as I’m elsewhere. I don’t go out or do much when I’m home, but I have a small group of close friends that I see often there.

2. Second, much of my community is online — so wherever I am, I spend a lot of time connecting that way. I understand that some people feel that online relationships are superficial, but I don’t share that belief.

3. Lastly, as I travel now I meet with readers and colleagues wherever I go. Again, some people might feel that those relationships are superficial, but that hasn’t really been the case. Instead, I’ve found that I have a ready-made community in many parts of the world. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Benny Lewis, Fluent in 3 Months

Benny is a fellow Irishman. When he was 21 years old, he spoke just English fluently. Now he’s 28 and speaks 8 languages fluently, having immersed himself in many different cultures over the years. He’s currently living in Budapest, on a 3-month mission to become fluent in Hungarian. His thoughts on relationships as a well-traveled polyglot:

I have reached a sane balance, but I haven’t reached a perfect balance just yet. I have accepted that many relationships I have must be somewhat superficial, while I will work to make them as deep as possible despite my short stay. I maintain relationships with all good friends online and meet up with people again regularly, which is always fantastic. Facebook and MSN have been essential in making sure that I keep in touch and then help me see the people again to form even deeper bonds.

Maintaining romantic relationships is notoriously difficult because as a traveller you already have this stamp of sailor-with-a-girl-at-every-port that will make so many girls sceptical, even if you are genuinely interested. And I have seen long-distance romantic relationships break down so often that I would never attempt to keep one alive myself unless I was absolutely sure she was “the one”. I am honest about this from the onset. Ironically however, many of my romantic relationships end actually because she has to travel away! The circles I associate with means I spend time with other travellers a lot, but I’m a more “fixed” traveller so when something seems to be going well it ends because she has to go home or elsewhere. As I said, irony – people expect me to be the one going around leaving broken hearts all over the world

So my “words of wisdom” on the topic are that most of us are still figuring it out ourselves Travel makes you wiser in so many ways, but in other ways I’m just as confused as any other 28 year old about these matters!

A few of my own thoughts on relationships as a vagabond:

Quality vs. quantity

A common argument is that you’re better off having a small, tight circle of real friends than a massive sprawling web of shallow connections. But that’s only looking at quality vs. quantity from one direction. The assumption being made is that you can only have so many deep and meaningful relationships because you only have so much time; you need to spend lots of time with each person to form a deep and meaningful connection.

But what if we apply the quality vs. quantity concept to time? What if we cut out all the small talk and the time sitting together, speechless, watching crappy TV shows? What if we started being more upfront with each other from the start instead of trying to feel each other out, waiting to see if it’s safe to share how we really feel? What if we started making better use of what little time we have with each other?

Sometimes a minute is all you need with someone to change their life or vice versa. If you fail to see the potential in those meetings, it’s unlikely you’ll ever be a part of such change.

I take solace in the fact that I’ve gotten much better at introducing elephants and being myself around people from the get-go. I believe these things make a huge difference in the quality of my relationships.

Either/or

Either/or thinking is not thinking with integrity. I believe you can have a handful of those thriving, long-term relationships while also building and maintaining many casual acquaintances. You don’t have to choose one extreme or the other; you can maintain a balance.

I’m satisfied with the balance I maintain. My cousin, back in Ireland, has been my best friend for more than a dozen years. (We only talk once a month via Skype, but we’re still as tight as ever.) I’m single now, but when I’m in a relationship I treasure the close and intimate connection. I have several friends here in New Orleans who I enjoy spending regular time with, and several more back in Ireland who I’ll always consider best buds. But I also have friends on Facebook who I’ve never met. Usually, at a party, I try to meet and connect with as many people as possible, even if there’s a good chance I’ll never see those people again.

And then there are the in-between friends; people who I haven’t spent a lot of time with, but what time we do spend together is always quality. We get right to important stuff, talk deeply and listen carefully. I may not get together very often with such friends, but I believe I know them and that they know me better than many couples know each other. You can form deep relationships quickly when you’re constantly working on your awareness and you have a genuine interest and curiosity in other people.

No worries

So, am I worried about missing out on those deep and meaningful friendships as a vagabond? I can’t say that I am. If anything, I’m excited about finding more of them. I understand and respect the fact that some people prefer to maintain a small circle of close friends, hanging out with the same few people every weekend, but that’s not for me. I enjoy meeting new people too much, connecting with different folks in different ways, seeing what I can learn from everyone who comes into my life.

…

Many thanks to Colin, Chris, and Benny for their responses above. I hope you’ll take some time to explore their websites. I’ve learned a lot from each of them.

First, let me remind you of the kind of life I’m trying to build for myself: This November I will be quitting my nice-and-steady 9-to-5 web design job, leaving New Orleans and heading back to Ireland. There I will set up my own business and spend a few months figuring out how to make a living online without working crazy hours. I’ll be working on projects I’m passionate about, building my audience and reputation, and setting myself up for location independence.

Before the calendar flips to May 2011, I will quickly and easily relocate to Spain and spend a maximum of six months there, learning the language from scratch. I will be fluent by the time I leave in the Autumn.

Beyond that, I’m not sure. I will probably travel on through Europe, experience several different cultures en route to Southeast Asia, and I intend to be back in the USA in 2013 for an epic 3-month road trip.

All along the way, my aim will be to help and inspire people to live the life of their dreams. I figure I’ll be somewhat of an authority on the subject, since I’ll be living mine.

So where do you fit in?

I will be pouring my heart and soul into this blog in the hopes of inspiring you to be the best person you can be. I don’t want you to live vicariously through me, reading about my adventures and thinking “Wow, I could never do that.”

No, I want you to go write your own script and live it, too. I want you on this journey with me.

If you read this blog regularly for the next twelve months and your life ends up looking exactly the same, then I’ll have failed you. I’d rather not waste your time like that. Hence this post.

The kind of people I’ll be writing for

• Action-oriented people
• Goal-oriented people
• Open-minded people
• Passionate people
• Heretics
• Change-makers
• Risk takers
• Positive people
• People who love learning
• People who want to change, and want to make change
• People who want to be part of the solution
• People who want to help others

If the above sounds like you, or the person you’re aiming to become, stick around. I think we’ll get along great. In fact, I’d love to get to know you better. Send me a message via e-mail, Facebook or Twitter.

The kind of people who are wasting their time here

• Folks who spend hours watching TV or playing video games each day
• People who expect life to be easy
• Destructive critics
• Pessimists, doomsayers and energy vampires
• People who settle for mediocrity
• People who think material possessions will make them happy
• Anyone who thinks one person can’t make a difference
• Anyone who thinks they don’t have a choice
• People who run from their fears
• People who project their own limitations onto others
• Disrespectful people

(A special message for the last crowd on the above list: I’m fine with you disagreeing with my viewpoints, but you must be respectful. One person left two disrespectful comments on my last post, and I promptly deleted both of them. Sorry, but I’m not going to spend any time or energy arguing with trolls. I’d rather spend that time and energy writing a new post that will help and inspire respectful people.)

If you find you identified more with that second list, well then this is where we part ways. Don’t worry, there are plenty of other blogs out there that you can read instead of mine. No hard feelings. Have a nice life.

If you’re still with me, great. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog. I’ll keep trying hard to add value to your life and help you be the best you can be. I’m just getting started on this journey of mine, and I’m looking forward to your company.

Your inner child

Imagine that the child side of your personality is responsible for all those primal urges and knee-jerk decisions. The child is that side of you that thinks it’s perfectly okay to eat McDonalds everyday, to sit on the couch every evening watching mindless TV shows, and to blurt out stupid things at inopportune times.

The child follows every whim, for better or worse, never thinking ahead or considering the consequences of each action. Sometimes that childish spontaneity turns out to be a good thing, since quite often the best way to learn more about what interests you is to march right up and interact with it directly. The child also has that sense of wonder about the world, and likes to question why everything works the way it does.

Your inner parent

And then there’s the parent side of your personality. That’s the little voice of reason and experience inside of you, less likely to act on impulse. The parent advises against blowing your whole paycheck on a Playstation, reminds you to buckle up, and sends you to your room to think about what you did. On the downside, the parent half of you has been conditioned by society not to go against the grain, not to think freely, not to cause a scene.

Which one should you listen to?

You shouldn’t just listen to one side all the time. Sometimes your parent side will serve you better. Sometimes your child side will. Listen to both when it comes time to make a decision. Identify which side wants what and why, consider the likely outcome of each path, then pick a side and act.

(Granted, it’s not really child-like if you always pause to look before you leap, but that’s okay. Spontaneity will return later, as you internalize what makes a good decision and what doesn’t.)

Which one do you listen to?

Mostly parent or mostly child? Would you be better off listening less to one and more to the other? Can you strike a better balance than you currently do?

I didn’t think that was such a good idea. In my view, having an attitude like that hurts only you.

To illustrate my point, let’s take Steve Pavlina, one of those three people who inspire me. Steve believes in and sometimes writes about psychic phenomena and the paranormal. For example, about eighteen months ago he wrote about the spirit of a dead friend helping him win at blackjack. My reaction to that article was probably similar to the reaction of most people: “Man, this guy’s crazy.” However, I wasn’t about to let that one disagreement stop me from reading and appreciating other articles on Steve’s site. Instead, I just filed it away in the “Things I don’t necessarily agree with” part of my brain, and continued on. Good thing, too, because I’ve since received many valuable insights from other articles Steve has written.

It takes effort

Writing people completely off because you disagree with something they say is nothing short of laziness. When you do that, you’re effectively saying, “I couldn’t be bothered getting to know this person completely, so I’ll just make a sweeping judgment about them based on the few things I do know.” Granted, nobody has the time or the capacity to truly know everyone they come into contact with, but we can be conscious of those snap judgments we make about others and how we may deprive ourselves of important lessons because of them.

Nobody’s perfect

It’s important to realize that nobody is perfect. If you’re holding out for an infallible mentor to show you the light, you’re in for a long wait. Consider these brief descriptions of two famous historical figures:

1. The first man was a charismatic leader and a decorated war hero. He preferred a vegetarian diet, never smoked, rarely drank alcohol and was faithful to his wife.
2. The second man died without a penny to his name. He regularly defied laws and was imprisoned many times. He often appeared indifferent towards his family and had an especially strained relationship with his son.

The first man is Adolf Hitler. The second is Mahatma Gandhi. Obviously the above descriptions are extremely selective, but they go to show that even the best of people have their flaws while the worst have their redeeming qualities. I like to believe we can learn valuable lessons from both these men — even, in the case of Hitler, if those lessons are mostly of the “what not to do” variety — and from everybody who falls between them in the spectrum of good and evil.

The Bible

Not so long ago, if you had quoted a bible verse at me, I would have considered you a brainwashed lunatic who could never teach me anything worth knowing. Then I came to this realization that everybody and everything has at least some truth. Gradually I came to see that the bible was no different. Sure, it calls homosexuality an abomination (Leviticus 20:13) and encourages you to burn witches (Exodus 22:18), but it also contains great lessons about love, truth and self-discipline.

As A.J. Jacobs concluded in The Year of Living Biblically, it’s impossible and often immoral to follow every word of the bible, but the book can indeed enhance your life if you focus on the right parts and live by the lessons contained in them. You just have to persevere through many inconsistencies and a bunch of stuff you’ll probably disagree with. You must use that mind you’ve been blessed with to separate the wheat from the chaff and arrive at your own truth.

Against the grain

If you tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive, don’t worry, you’re not alone. As humans, we’re predisposed to give more attention to the bad things in life. It’s a survival instinct. Scientists have proven that something we perceive as bad will have a stronger and more lasting affect on our brains than something we perceive as good (see author David Rock talk about it from the 20-minute mark of this YouTube video). That’s why you can thoroughly enjoy the first ninety minutes of a movie, only to have the whole experience ruined by an implausible ending. Somehow those last few minutes negate the previous ninety and you come away disappointed.

Again, it takes effort to focus on the good rather than the bad, but that effort is worth undertaking, because there’s no growth if you choose the lazy way out. With laziness you limit yourself to seeing problems instead of opportunities.

Learning from everyone

You don’t have to agree with everything someone says or does to learn from them. In fact, I’d argue that you learn the least from the people you agree with the most. Think about it: how much can someone really teach you if you’re already nodding your head in agreement before they finish a sentence?