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I used to be the kind of guy who would always finish what he started. Take books for example. Even if I found myself reading a book I hated, one that was giving me no enjoyment whatsoever, I would force myself to keep reading and finish it.

Because conventional wisdom told me that was the right thing to do.

I didn’t want to be a quitter. After all, quitters never win and winners never quit.

Right?

Well nowadays I find myself quitting all sorts of things, often abandoning projects before they’re complete. And it’s not just because I have a short attention sp…

(Just kidding.)

I’ve become comfortable abandoning projects because I realize that it’s rarely worth sticking it out til the end if you’re not enjoying the process. Why would I force myself to keep reading a bad book when I can can just drop it and go read something that I’m more likely to enjoy?

Now sure, sometimes it’s worth sticking it out. If you quit everything as soon as the going gets tough, you never amount to much. So my criticism of conventional wisdom shouldn’t be taken as absolute. The point is that we should be wary of abiding blindly. We need to question whether or not such nuggets are applicable to our given situation.

With that in mind, here’s me poking holes in 21 other bits of conventional wisdom…

1. Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t

Like the rat in this story, we often stick with the crappy, familiar situation because we’re afraid to embrace uncertainty. The logic goes, “Yeah, I hate my job and I have no friends, but at least I can rely on three hours of good ol’ Xbox every evening.”

I’ve found though that the devil I don’t know rarely turns out to be as scary as I imagined him to be, and oftentimes I find that he never even existed in the first place.

2. Never mix business and pleasure

If your bottom line in business is to make money, then I can see how this makes perfect sense. You’d have to be ruthless and not worry about upsetting people. But personally, I’d rather earn less money doing work I love with people I respect and admire. Zillion sum game and all of that.

3. There’s no such thing as a free lunch

Sure there is. I had one just last week.

4. Always have a backup plan

Over to Chris Guillebeau for this one…

You’ll hear something like “Airplane pilots always have a Plan B,” as if it’s an open-and-shut case that you’re wrong to chart a course without considering the contingencies. And when you are presented with such logic, you are expected to say: “Oh, you’re right! It really is better to play it safe. Gosh.”

But hold on a minute. Personally, I want my pilot to safely land the damn plane. Assuming that’s Plan A, I’m happy to stick with it. Anything else doesn’t sound like a good plan to me.

5. All good things must come to an end

All things must come to an end, not just the good things. And while that may sound depressing at first, keeping it in mind helps me appreciate the good moments while they’re happening, and reminds me that the bad times won’t last forever.

6. Better safe than sorry

This is the mantra of procrastinators everywhere. If you don’t try, you can’t fail. But as Tynan reminds us, “You can’t get what you want in life without taking risks.”

Besides, that sorry, as unlikely as it usually is, always stings less than the regret of not giving it a shot.

7. The clothes maketh the man

Even as a minimalist, I concede that it feels good to dress well and own nice things. The problem occurs when you begin to derive your sense of self-worth from such material objects. Be wary of anyone who judges you by your khakis, and be careful not to judge likewise yourself.

8. Don’t burn your bridges

Sometimes burning your bridges is the best thing you can do, because it leaves you no option but to move forward.

9. An eye for an eye

I was walking through the narrow streets of the Red Light District here in Amsterdam on Tuesday when a guy on a moped almost ran into a pedestrian. They were both young men, full of bravado. They started mouthing off at each other and before I turned the corner I saw that they had come toe to toe, ready to fight. I couldn’t help but think that a truly courageous man in that situation would have simply walked away.

As Ghandi said, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

10. Good men are hard to find

Only if you believe that to be the case. The more I put myself out there, and the more I expect to connect with like-minded people, the easier I seem to find them (or they find me).

11. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all

As a former, chronic people-pleaser, I used to abide by this all the time, so scared I was of saying something that might cause someone to dislike me. I’ve since realized that nothing I say or do will ever be good enough for everyone, and so I just try to speak and act my truth as best I can. With that, at the very least, I know I’ll like myself.

12. It’s a good horse that never stumbles

I’d assume he’s a very young horse if he’s never stumbled. Just give him time. Because bad things happen to everyone. It’s how you handle those things that determines the quality of your life.

13. The customer is always right

Nobody is always right. I don’t care if your customer is the pope, you still gotta stand up for yourself and not let him take advantage of your generous ass.

(Totally didn’t intend to make a joke about the pope and bum sex there, I swear. I’ve obviously been reading way too much Ashley Ambirge.)

14. All’s well that ends well

I don’t believe the end always justifies the means. You can lie, cheat and steal to get ahead in life, but that’s a shitty way of doing it.

15. Knowledge is power

I’d say that without action, knowledge is pretty useless. Take the book Think And Grow Rich for example. It’s hard to argue against the information in there. The formula it lays out is pretty much guaranteed to lead to success. But the vast majority of people who read such a book aren’t willing to turn that knowledge into action, and so they stay stuck where they are.

The same is true of me. Pretty sure I know lots of things I could do that would take my business to the next level. But knowing isn’t enough. I need to do the work.

16. Money can’t buy happiness

As Michael Norton explains in the video below, “If you think money can’t buy happiness, you’re not spending it right.”

Can’t see the video? Click here.

17. All good things come to those who wait

I’m a big fan of not waiting. If you want something, take action now. At the very least, get the ball rolling in the right direction. Yeah, you may have to be patient and give it some time, but don’t just sit on your hands and expect it to happen on its own.

18. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today

In the same vein as “finish what you’ve started,” this one might be more useful rephrased as, “Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.”

19. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

I say it’s never too late. I’m obviously still quite young, but I believe I’ve learned many more important lessons as a self-directed student than I ever did in school. When you have the interest, you can learn plenty of new tricks, no matter what age you are.

20. Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves

I’m no finance expert, but I agree with Ramit Sethi: “You can’t out-frugal your way to rich.” Because while there’s only so much you can cut back on your expenses, there’s no limit to how much you can earn.

So instead of worrying about the pennies, to me it makes more sense to go after big wins. Which is why most of my pitches on oDesk are for a few big jobs that pay serious money, rather than lots of little jobs that pay next to nothing.

21. Think before you speak

As I found out from my two-week flirting experiment here in Amsterdam (lots more about that next week, by the way), thinking is often my worst enemy. Instead of walking up and starting a conversation with someone I found attractive, I often held back trying to first think up of the perfect line to open with. And then the moment would be lost and I’d never get to talk with her.

More important than thinking before you speak is to trust yourself, and know that even if you say something stupid and the girl ends up thinking you’re a complete tool, it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Your turn

What other bits of conventional wisdom do you think we should be wary of? And which are just flat-out wrong? Here’s a big list for inspiration. Share your thoughts in the comments.

…

P.S. I’m finally moving on from Amsterdam, after three great weeks in the Dutch capital. This weekend will take me to Frankfurt. Next week, I’m not quite sure. Any recommendations for places to visit between Frankfurt and Zurich?

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In Tuesday’s post I talked about the dip, and how I was leaning into it. The last few weeks had been a struggle as I found myself lacking energy and focus. This week I find myself back in a solid routine, plowing through my work, making good dents, checking off tasks that had been sitting gathering dust on my to-do list.

So what made the difference? How did I get from last week to this week, from downswing to upswing? Nothing heroic. Mostly, I just waited. But here are a few things I’d like to remind myself of the next time I’m in a lull, so I can keep thriving instead of simply surviving.

Give it a name

“It” is that mysterious, dark, internal force that stops you from getting your work done, from doing what you know is good for you. It keeps you stuck in that downswing, unmotivated, hating yourself for not being able to overcome it. Steven Pressfield calls it Resistance. Seth Godin calls it the lizard brain.

Whatever it is, I’ve personified mine. His name is Frank, and between the recent swings I told him to go fuck himself.

That seemed to help me emerge from the recent fog. Instead of getting down on myself about my struggles, I started directing my anger at Frank. And for me at least, getting angry is a good strategy when I’m in a downswing. I need to get to that point where I say ENOUGH, and then get back to work. But it’s hard to get mad at something intangible inside yourself. It’s easier when you externalize and personify that thing, as I’ve done with Frank.

Frank may have gotten the better of me for a while, but this week was my time to fight back. Every morning I got up at 6am, did my yoga and meditation, and cranked out 2000 written words before breakfast. I then went ahead and worked several more hours after breakfast each day, ripping happily through my to-do list.

Frank was pissed. He sulked in the corner. I like him a lot more when he’s like that.

“The night is darkest just before the dawn”

When I’m in one of those downswings, I feel like it will never end, that all hope is lost, that I might as well quit. But, as with this week, those dark periods usually precede some of my brightest and most creative.

There’s a trap with that whole “just before the dawn” thing though. You let yourself slip into a lull a little too easily because hey, fuck it, experience says you’ll emerge guns blazing and all will be peachy.

Yeah, bad idea that. Methinks the real trick is to avoid those lulls altogether, to never holster your guns in the first place. This is a trick I’m still trying to learn. To steal another term from Mr. Pressfield, I’m still trying to turn pro.

Here’s where I completely contradict myself

I believe there’s a natural ebb and flow to our weeks and months. Sometimes we’re up, everything comes easy and we have an abundance of energy. And sometimes it’s a huge struggle to even work one hour per day.

(Sidenote: The best thing about having a 9-to-5 job is that you still get paid even on those down days. You can show up at the office and arse around all day. Not so much when you’re self-employed. Those downswings will kill you.)

And so I don’t think the lulls are completely avoidable. Instead, I’m thinking they work a bit like our fears: They never really go away, but we can get better at handling them.

Trim and refocus

When you’re in a lull, it’s a good idea to reassess your priorities and commitments.

You can get a whole bunch of work done when you’re on an upswing, important stuff and otherwise. Distractions might creep into your schedule but they don’t derail you. You handle it all in your stride, like a well-oiled productivity machine, smelling of homemade hummus and vegetable soup.

The problem comes when your energy swings low again. Now those distractions kick you in the nads. You drop the ball on your most important projects. And then you hate yourself. And then it’s a struggle to get anything done. And you start to smell of cheap prepackaged hummus and shitty cup-a-soup.

Next time I find myself entering such a lull, I need to take a step back immediately and makes some adjustments. Those sneaky distractions must be weeded out. My schedule must be trimmed. Everything goes except my most important work, because once in a lull I have little energy to handle much else.

I went through that refocusing process last weekend (a few weeks into my downswing, but better late than never). I dropped some half-assed commitments, like Toastmasters. I know from experience that I can’t just tip away at things, not through the downswings. I need to be all in or all out. I’m not wanting to immerse myself in public speaking right now, so Toastmasters is out.

There are still a few lingering commitments on my plate which I need to let go. I can’t keep them hanging on. Those projects deserve either my full attention, or none of it.

What distractions have been sneaking up on you? Where is most of my time and energy going? What projects have you taken on that aren’t taking you where you want to go? Can you drop some/all of them?

Remember the 80/20 rule: Most of the positive impact comes from a small portion of the work you do. During a downswing, focus your limited energy on that small portion. Drop everything else or at least throw it to the back burner.

Fun stuff

With the above process, you’re not just looking to eliminate distractions so you can spend more time on your important work. You weed them out so you can spend more time doing fun stuff. Which helps you recharge. Which helps you get that important work done, and done well.

I had stopped reading books. Then over the last week I read three books, and they lifted me up like you wouldn’t fucking believe. I needed them badly. I also had to give myself permission to put aside a dense book for a while. If I’m feeling the strain, there’s no shame in picking up an easier book that gives me some faster gratification, puts me in a stronger frame of mind.

I hadn’t been for a run in a long time. On Tuesday night I ran around the island heart of Cork City. It was euphoric. I cooked up some real food after and ate it slowly. Somewhere upstairs I could hear Frank kicking furniture. He hates when I recharge.

Deadlines

I was dragging last week, but because I had made a public commitment to launch A Course In Courage on March 17th, I had to suck it up and finish it out. It was hell trying to do that work with resistance kicking my ass, but I got through it anyway and launched the damn thing.

So deadlines also help during a downswing. Especially public ones. Keep your deadline to yourself and you concede an edge to your lizard brain, your Resistance, your Frank. Come crunch time it’s all too easy for him to crawl out of the corner and whisper in your ear… Feck it, take tomorrow off and launch the day after. Nobody has to know. With the extra time you can catch up on some sleep and spend a few hours watching those TV shows you don’t like. And feed me more chocolate.

Share the struggle

At a conservative estimate, I spent four hours writing on Monday to come up with that last blog post. It was a massive struggle, but I felt like I’d slayed some big part of that beast by the time I’d finished. Then I published it and got feedback from a bunch of people who could relate. I no longer felt so alone in the fight.

Get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper or screen. You don’t have to create a work of art. I wasn’t very happy with that last blog post. But I got it out there, and I felt a million or two times better because of it.

Same with chatting to other folks. Find someone who can relate, and share what you’re going through. I did that with a couple of people in the last few weeks. It helps.

By putting your thoughts into words, you make the struggle that bit more tangible. It’s hard to fight an invisible, undefined war in your head.

Get back to what works

I was experimenting with late-night work sessions, but I have to concede that early mornings are much better for me. My problem with working late nights is that the battle with Frank is always lingering. No matter what I do earlier that day, I know I still have a fight on my hands before bedtime.

I also needed to remind myself of the importance of showing up to work every day, something I’ve written about before but tend to forget all too easily.

Keep on trucking

All the above is what I believe will help me stay productive and sane through that next, inevitable downswing. How about you? How do you prepare for those inevitable downswings? Or maybe you’ve figured out a way to avoid them altogether. Let me know in the comments.

Fairly nifty, hah? I didn’t want to go forking out for a plastic or leather case when I could make my own so easily. Tip for anyone who wants to DIY like I did: glue the page edges together after cutting out the middle, makes it more sturdy.

Having owned and used a Kindle for a few weeks now, I have to admit that I absolutely love the thing. If you know someone who has one, ask to play around with it for a while and you’ll be head over heels. Here’s an affiliate link if you want to buy one. That version is without the 3G, which I really don’t see the point of paying an extra $50 for. Wi-Fi has been good enough for me.

Also, while we’re on the subject of reading, I just created a Recommended Reading page listing all the books that have made my world spin, complete with mini reviews. I’ll be adding to this regularly.

Have a gander, then let me know some of your favorite books in the comments below.

As a teenager and into my early 20′s, I was the shyest person I knew. I was the guy sitting in the corner waiting for others to come talk to me. I had to be around someone for a long time before I would open up and act natural. Only two things saved me from having no social circle whatsoever: my huge passion for basketball, and my uber-social cousin (thanks, Cuz).

I was especially shy with girls

I remember once when I was about 15, my Dad and I were visiting relatives. I was getting along reasonably well with my cousin (a different one) and his guy friends as we hung around the neighborhood, but then we were joined by a group of teenage girls. I clammed up and faded out. I remember sneaking back into my Aunt’s house and sitting down to watch the Grand Prix with my Dad. I’d never really been interested in the Grand Prix before, but I feigned fascination so when my friends came looking for me I’d be able to explain my disappearance: “Sorry fellas, but I can’t miss this!”

Yup, I was willing to endure two hours of fancy cars going round and round a big track just so I wouldn’t have to talk to those terrifying teens with the female body parts.

Shyness = fear

My shyness lingers until this day. I don’t believe we humans can ever fully overcome it. Even the most courageous and self-confident people can become embarrassed, even if they don’t display that embarrassment outwardly.

This makes sense since shyness is essentially a form of fear, mostly the fear of what others will think of us. Some people say they don’t care what others think of them, but I think, at best, they don’t care what most people think of them. We all care what certain people think of us, whether it be a spouse, parents, close friends, peers, whoever.

When you’re really shy, like I was, you care what everybody thinks of you. And that’s bad. Because, for the most part, what other people think of you is none of your business. If a stranger in a nightclub sees you out dancing and thinks you look stupid, well that’s his business. If a steak-eating, deer-hunting, Hummer-driving nihilist reads my blog and thinks I’m wrong about everything, again, that’s his business. Nothing to do with me.

Not everybody has to like you

This realization was one of the big leaps I took in overcoming shyness. Not everybody has to like you. In fact, it’s better that some people don’t like you, because if you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. So the best course of action is to figure out what you really want, and then work at pleasing yourself (and I mean that in a non-alone-in-the-bathtub-feeling-frisky kind of way).

Figure out what your values are and what you really want out of life, then work hard to live those values and make your dream life a reality. In doing so, you’ll find that you’ll please many people who share your values, and you’ll probably piss off a lot of people who don’t. And that’s okay. If you really want to make a difference in the world, you’ll need to create a movement, and it’s as important to keep the wrong people out of your movement as it is to make the right people a part of it. (Seth Godin writes a lot about this in his book Tribes, which I highly recommend.)

Plan of attack

Okay, so let’s get to some practical things you can do to overcome shyness.

1. Join a social group (or several)
Practice meeting new people and you’ll get better at it. Obvious, right? One social group I’ll give special mention to is Toastmasters. If you want to grow, you have to get out of your comfort zone regularly. Toastmasters is great for that, not only because you get to meet lots of new people when you join a club, but you also get to practice speaking in front of a crowd at each meeting, something most people are uncomfortable with. I’ll write more about Toastmasters soon, but if you’re in New Orleans and want to check it out, my club is currently meeting at the JCC (Jefferson and St. Charles) every Monday at 6pm. If you’re not in New Orleans, you can find a club near you via the Toastmasters website.

2. Whenever you’re feeling shy, view the situation as an opportunity for growth
Realize that the fear will never go away. You just get better at handling it. Try to recognize when you’re feeling shy, and say to yourself, “I’m feeling shy now. If I can push through and do the thing my fear is trying to keep me from doing, next time it won’t be so hard.” I’ve noticed over time that my most rewarding experiences tend to occur when I turn towards fear rather than running away from it. Short term pains, long term gains.

3. Put yourself in sink or swim situations
The biggest leap I made in overcoming my shyness was to head off on my own and spend 10 months working in the US. I lived in a New Jersey trailer park with another 300 internationals during the summer of 2004, working at Six Flags Great Adventure. It became obvious soon after I got there that I had two choices: I could either be the shy kid all summer and not have any fun, or I could get out of my comfort zone, start taking the initiative to talk to people, and have the time of my life. I chose the latter, and proceeded to explode out of my shell that summer. That experience remains the biggest leap I’ve ever had in overcoming shyness, and it only happened because I forced myself out of my comfort zone.

4. Environment is stronger than willpower
If you want to overcome shyness, it makes sense to surround yourself with lots of confident and outgoing people. It’s just like any sport you might play: the fastest way to improve is to regularly compete with an opponent who is better than you. If you only practice with or play against people who are weaker than you, you’re not likely to improve very much. Of course, you should try to find someone who is not only better than you, but who is also willing to support you in your efforts to improve. I’ve played basketball with lots of guys who are better than me, but some of them have been complete assholes who loved telling me how much I sucked. Not the best learning environment. When it comes to overcoming shyness, the best people you can surround yourself with will be confident and outgoing folks who desperately want you to succeed. They’ll act as your cheerleaders as well as your coaching staff.

5. Learn to love yourself
It’s hard to let the real you shine if you don’t much like who you are. As such, you might want to go about accepting your imperfections (some of them will never go away, so you better make peace with them) and working on your character before concerning yourself too much with overcoming shyness. You’ll find that as you become more accepting of yourself, you’ll no longer seek permission from others to act natural.

6. Develop new skills
Competence helps build confidence. Find out what you’re passionate about and become really good at whatever that is, then build up skills to supplement that passion. So if you really like fashion design, put in the time and effort to become a kick-ass fashion designer. Learn how to sketch designs, learn how to mock up those designs on screen, learn how to make your own clothes, learn how to build a portfolio website, learn how to market yourself online, learn how to catwalk, learn how to put on a fashion show, dabble in other creative habits that help you come up with new designs, learn about self-employment… and on and on and on. With each new skill, you grow more confident in your abilities. You start to believe in yourself. Shyness takes a back seat.

Your turn

What am I missing? What tips can you share about overcoming shyness?

If you have a specific problem with shyness that you’d rather not discuss in the comments, contact me privately via this page. I’d love to hear from you.

These are legitimate concerns and I’ve thought long and hard about them. I’ll give you some of my resolutions at the end of this post. First though, I thought it would be a good idea to ask people who are already living the vagabond lifestyle to share their first-hand experiences. I was delighted to get back thoughtful responses from Colin Wright of Exile Lifestyle, Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Non-Conformity, and Benny Lewis of Fluent in 3 Months.

Colin Wright, Exile Lifestyle

Colin moves to a different country every four months, as elected by his readers. Right now he’s in Thailand, having just completed an epic two-month road trip across the United States. His thoughts on relationships as a location independent professional:

Basically, so long as you’re able to slightly adjust the way you approach relationships, you’ll be fine.

What I mean by this is that as Americans, we’re fed a VERY specific idea of what it is to be happy (a la the American Dream) from a very young age. Disney movies, sit-coms, Saturday morning cartoons, they all reaffirm this philosophy, and at the end of the day it leads back to consumerism (but that’s a different conversation).

The end result of this programming is that we believe the only legitimate reason to get into a relationships is if it will potentially end with marriage, kids, a dog, a trampoline, etc. Unfortunately, if you’re traveling this goal may not be realistic, as being in a long-term relationship can be a special kind of torture (and make you miss out on all kinds of opportunities), and building a relationship while you travel in the first place can be incredibly difficult due to time and geographic restrictions.

The important thing to keep in mind is this: you can have very strong connections with people without there needing to be marriage in your future. In fact, I would argue that these connections can be even stronger because there is a time limit.

It’s like the difference between spending your whole life saving for retirement (and only then letting loose and having old-man fun) and saving a little now, but mostly enjoying your life while you’re young. Relationships are an investment, and though you SHOULD leave yourself open to the possibility of something longer term, you should also most definitely allow yourself to enjoy life now with life-minded people who may not be looking to wait for retirement to enjoy everything the world has to offer.

What this means in practice is mini-relationships. Since I started traveling I’ve had only a few of these (I’m picky), but the ones I’ve had have been great, if short. Unfortunately it seems like I never meet someone I really like until I’m about to leave the city they live in, so I’ve had a few whirlwind weeks of dating and excitement and fun. Leaving really sucks, but it’s good in a way, because then we both have a time-limit and neither feels like we need to get hung up on little problems like couples normally do. What reason could there possibly be to argue if you both know that you’re only together for a week?!

SO, there’s that.

When it comes to non-romantic relationships, I would say that traveling gives you the chance to build more, stronger relationships than you could have staying in one place.

Sure, if you live a static lifestyle you can meet a handful of people and get really close because you’re always around each other, but in a way this is kind of like saying your brother is your best friend…well of course he is, you’ve had no choice but to be around him for 20+ years.

On the other hand, there will be people you meet while traveling that you are able to interact with in person for only a handful of hours (or less!) that you stay in touch with and reconnect with and learn from and teach for the rest of your life. I already have a few people like this in my life, and I wouldn’t give them up for the world, despite the fact that we’ll likely only see each other in person every couple years, if that.

The Internet definitely gives us a lot of ammunition when it comes to building relationships, too, because it allows for quick followup and incredibly casual rounding out of a person you only met briefly. There was a girl who I shared a few afternoons with in Lima that I ended up staying with for a week while in Auckland. She’s a super-rad person, and if we hadn’t been able to keep in touch via Facebook and email, we may never have been able to get to know each other better.

So I guess my main words of wisdom are don’t worry! The way you approach and manage relationships will change a bit, but the opportunity to create even stronger bonds more than makes up for any initial uncomfortableness you may feel about the prospect.

Chris Guillebeau, The Art of Non-Conformity

Chris is on a mission to visit every country in the world before his 35th birthday in 2013 (he’s about 80% done as of this writing). He also just released his first book — The Art of Non-Conformity: Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World — which I’ve already devoured and highly recommend. His thoughts on relationships as a vagabond:

It’s not a problem for me for a couple of reasons:

1. First and most importantly, I do have a home base (Portland, Oregon) and I’m there at least as much as I’m elsewhere. I don’t go out or do much when I’m home, but I have a small group of close friends that I see often there.

2. Second, much of my community is online — so wherever I am, I spend a lot of time connecting that way. I understand that some people feel that online relationships are superficial, but I don’t share that belief.

3. Lastly, as I travel now I meet with readers and colleagues wherever I go. Again, some people might feel that those relationships are superficial, but that hasn’t really been the case. Instead, I’ve found that I have a ready-made community in many parts of the world. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Benny Lewis, Fluent in 3 Months

Benny is a fellow Irishman. When he was 21 years old, he spoke just English fluently. Now he’s 28 and speaks 8 languages fluently, having immersed himself in many different cultures over the years. He’s currently living in Budapest, on a 3-month mission to become fluent in Hungarian. His thoughts on relationships as a well-traveled polyglot:

I have reached a sane balance, but I haven’t reached a perfect balance just yet. I have accepted that many relationships I have must be somewhat superficial, while I will work to make them as deep as possible despite my short stay. I maintain relationships with all good friends online and meet up with people again regularly, which is always fantastic. Facebook and MSN have been essential in making sure that I keep in touch and then help me see the people again to form even deeper bonds.

Maintaining romantic relationships is notoriously difficult because as a traveller you already have this stamp of sailor-with-a-girl-at-every-port that will make so many girls sceptical, even if you are genuinely interested. And I have seen long-distance romantic relationships break down so often that I would never attempt to keep one alive myself unless I was absolutely sure she was “the one”. I am honest about this from the onset. Ironically however, many of my romantic relationships end actually because she has to travel away! The circles I associate with means I spend time with other travellers a lot, but I’m a more “fixed” traveller so when something seems to be going well it ends because she has to go home or elsewhere. As I said, irony – people expect me to be the one going around leaving broken hearts all over the world

So my “words of wisdom” on the topic are that most of us are still figuring it out ourselves Travel makes you wiser in so many ways, but in other ways I’m just as confused as any other 28 year old about these matters!

A few of my own thoughts on relationships as a vagabond:

Quality vs. quantity

A common argument is that you’re better off having a small, tight circle of real friends than a massive sprawling web of shallow connections. But that’s only looking at quality vs. quantity from one direction. The assumption being made is that you can only have so many deep and meaningful relationships because you only have so much time; you need to spend lots of time with each person to form a deep and meaningful connection.

But what if we apply the quality vs. quantity concept to time? What if we cut out all the small talk and the time sitting together, speechless, watching crappy TV shows? What if we started being more upfront with each other from the start instead of trying to feel each other out, waiting to see if it’s safe to share how we really feel? What if we started making better use of what little time we have with each other?

Sometimes a minute is all you need with someone to change their life or vice versa. If you fail to see the potential in those meetings, it’s unlikely you’ll ever be a part of such change.

I take solace in the fact that I’ve gotten much better at introducing elephants and being myself around people from the get-go. I believe these things make a huge difference in the quality of my relationships.

Either/or

Either/or thinking is not thinking with integrity. I believe you can have a handful of those thriving, long-term relationships while also building and maintaining many casual acquaintances. You don’t have to choose one extreme or the other; you can maintain a balance.

I’m satisfied with the balance I maintain. My cousin, back in Ireland, has been my best friend for more than a dozen years. (We only talk once a month via Skype, but we’re still as tight as ever.) I’m single now, but when I’m in a relationship I treasure the close and intimate connection. I have several friends here in New Orleans who I enjoy spending regular time with, and several more back in Ireland who I’ll always consider best buds. But I also have friends on Facebook who I’ve never met. Usually, at a party, I try to meet and connect with as many people as possible, even if there’s a good chance I’ll never see those people again.

And then there are the in-between friends; people who I haven’t spent a lot of time with, but what time we do spend together is always quality. We get right to important stuff, talk deeply and listen carefully. I may not get together very often with such friends, but I believe I know them and that they know me better than many couples know each other. You can form deep relationships quickly when you’re constantly working on your awareness and you have a genuine interest and curiosity in other people.

No worries

So, am I worried about missing out on those deep and meaningful friendships as a vagabond? I can’t say that I am. If anything, I’m excited about finding more of them. I understand and respect the fact that some people prefer to maintain a small circle of close friends, hanging out with the same few people every weekend, but that’s not for me. I enjoy meeting new people too much, connecting with different folks in different ways, seeing what I can learn from everyone who comes into my life.

…

Many thanks to Colin, Chris, and Benny for their responses above. I hope you’ll take some time to explore their websites. I’ve learned a lot from each of them.

1. Number your points

If you have several points to make in an e-mail, number them. This helps you be precise and allows the responder to address each point individually. If you are the responder, and the other person didn’t number the points they made in their initial e-mail, go ahead and number them yourself as you respond. Resist the urge to use Roman numerals.

2. Cut out the soft questions

If you must use niceties, don’t use them as questions. “How are you?” is fine if you really want to know how the other person is, but more often than not it’s just used as a formality, and the last thing you want is the other person to come back with a three paragraph response to that throwaway query. “I hope you’re well,” is a better way to go.

3. If… then…

I picked this tip up from The 4-Hour Workweek. Many questions asked by e-mail simply lead to more questions and therefore more back-and-forth, but often you can anticipate what the follow-ups will be and answer them before they’re even asked. For example, if you’re planning a nighttime ninja expedition with a friend and you’re not sure if he has his own nunchucks, you could e-mail and ask “Do you have nunchucks?” and wait for him to get back to you. Or you could take the initiative and send something like this in your first message:

“Do you have nunchucks? If you do, bring them along. If not, I have some throwing stars you can borrow instead.”

Now your ninja buddy doesn’t have to respond at all.

4. Empathize

Before you send an e-mail, always read back over the message and try to interpret it as the recipient would. What questions do you envision them having? Are there any parts that are likely to confuse them? Revise and elaborate as necessary.

5. Offer solutions instead of asking questions

If you know what the problem is, offer a solution or two instead of asking “What now?” Just be sure to offer solutions that you’re in favor of. There’s always a good chance that the other person won’t be in the mood for thinking and so they’ll get on board with whatever you propose.

6. Check e-mail just once or twice a day

My least productive days are those when I start out checking e-mail. Before you know it, I’m chasing after “urgent” requests, at the expense of important work. I’ve gotten into the habit though of not checking e-mail until after 10am, and those first couple of hours in the morning are easily my most productive and effective because of that.

It’s also important to let people know that you only check it once or twice a day. That way they are more likely to try to solve the problem themselves before e-mailing you about it, or they might solve it after e-mailing you and follow up with a “nevermind” before you even see the first message.

Checking e-mail just once or twice a day also results in batch processing. You can zip through all your unread e-mails in a few minutes, separate the important from the unimportant, then take effective action. Only when you check e-mail every two minutes does every message seem urgent and important, but really most are neither.

7. Keep it brief

This may sound contradictory to some of the other points above, but it’s important to keep your e-mails brief. You want to cover all the bases and be as clear as possible, yes, but you also don’t want to spend all day writing. After all, the more you write, the longer the response is likely to be.

As such, set yourself a sentence limit for e-mail and try to stick to that. Include a link to five.sentenc.es in your e-mail signature if you like. Keep in mind that a one-word response will often do for a confirmation; the length of your reply does not have to match the length of the original message.

8. Don’t reply to every e-mail

Nobody says you have to. Many of the e-mails we receive do not warrant a response. Know that nothing bad will happen if you let a few forgettable messages slip through the cracks.

9. Illustrate your point

If your e-mail references a certain webpage, include a link or a screenshot. Don’t make the other person guess or go scouring the web to see what you’re talking about. That’s where the bulk of those 14,000 hours are lost.

…

Example

Now, let’s put the tips above into practice. Here’s a fake real e-mail that I found lying around. The names have been changed for my own amusement. I believe many people still send messages like this, not realizing how much better the communication could be.

Hey Seamus,

How are you? I hope the summer is treating you well. I’ve been extremely busy here but I know I shouldn’t complain. How’s business on your end?

More to the point, I was just playing around with the new version of the website and I have a few questions and comments. I was wondering if we can change the background color? I hope it’s not too late. I’m just not a big fan of that orange. And what about the headline text? I’m also not sure if I like the way things are ordered in the sidebar. I think we should revise. Maybe we could add something different at the top, make it stand out a little more. Do you have any suggestions?

There’s also the page I talked to you about on the phone last week. Have you been able to work on that?

I think that’s everything. Call me if you have any questions. I think we’ll be close to finished once we get these few things straightened out. Thanks for all your help.

- Finbar

The above e-mail is terrible. Finbar rambles on, throws out questions as he thinks of them and is very vague and uncertain on several points. Sure, he comes off sounding like a nice guy, but he’s making Seamus’s job much more difficult and time-intensive than it has to be.

Here’s a revised version of the e-mail showing how Finbar could have communicated more effectively. The word count is about the same and it wouldn’t have taken him any longer to write.

Hey Seamus,

A few things regarding the new site. I think we’ll be done once we have these straightened out.

1) I’m not satisfied with the orange background. Is it too late to change it? If not, let’s try yellow instead, the same shade they use in the background of this site.

2) I also want to change the color of the headlines in the main content area. Right now they’re black. Let’s try a dark blue/navy. Send me screenshots of three different shades and I’ll pick one.

3) Reorder the blocks of content in the sidebar like so: About, Subscribe, Calendar, Latest Posts, Ad Space.

4) Related to the above, I want the About block to stand out more in the sidebar. Please cut out the attached picture of me and add it alongside the text (right aligned). The image should be clickable and link to the full About page. If you think this will look terrible, please advise of an alternative way to emphasize the About block.

5) Have you been able to work on the Contact page like we talked about last week? Please send an update.

Let me know if you have any questions/comments. Thanks for all your help.

- Finbar

With this revised version of the message, Seamus should be able to get right to work. Finbar has eliminated the need for lots of back-and-forth, thanks to the clarity and precision of his message. Good man, Finbar. Have a biscuit.

Try it yourself

Keep these few tips in mind next time you’re doing business via e-mail. It won’t be long before you see them paying off.

If you have any additional tips that have worked well for you, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

In his Road Less Traveled trilogy, M. Soctt Peck writes a lot about paradox, making the point repeatedly that the acceptance of paradox is a big step towards mental health. His words from The Road Less Traveled and Beyond:

If you want to think with integrity, and are willing to bear the pain involved, you will inevitably encounter paradox. The Greek word para means “by the side of, beside, alongside, past, beyond.” Doxa means opinion. Thus, a paradox is “a statement contrary to common belief, or one that seems contradictory, unbelievable, or absurd but may actually be true in fact.” If a concept is paradoxical, that in itself should suggest that it smacks of integrity and has the ring of truth. Conversely, if a concept is not in the least paradoxical, you may suspect that it has failed to integrate some aspects of the whole.

I believe this to be true. More and more I see everything in life as a delicate balance. You need to consider all sides and be open to all possibilities.

A few examples of paradox I’ve encountered in my own life:

Discipline vs. Flexibility

I’m usually very disciplined. I set myself tasks and goals and I follow through on the vast majority of them. I plan each week in advance, and I dedicate an hour each morning to writing, reading and thinking. I need that discipline to be at my best, but I also need flexibility. I remind myself that whatever schedule I set must serve as my slave, not as my master. So every now and then, I’ll blow off that 2 hours of work I had planned for a Thursday evening, and go hang with a friend at the pub instead. When I was in Italy last month, I planned very little in advance and had a great time embracing uncertainty.

Comparing yourself to others

It’s often said that happiness lies in not comparing yourself to others. I believe that’s both true and false. Such comparisons have often helped me. There are many people in my Toastmasters club who are better than me at public speaking. I regularly compare myself to them in an effort to pinpoint the differences, and then I go to work trying to close those gaps. This helps me improve. But I have to be careful with those comparisons. When I start resenting others for their superiority, or I start getting down on myself for not being as good, that’s when I’ve gone too far. That’s when I have to step back and remind myself that I’m the best me that’s ever lived, and there’s really no comparison

Solitude vs. Companionship

As Leo Babauta recently wrote on Zen Habits, to be at your creative best, you need time alone… but you also need community and participation. Seek only solitude, and you’re likely to end up lonely and depressed. Seek only companionship, and you’ll never have time to create your best work or think for yourself. I try to strike a good balance between the two. I can often spend several hours alone, perfectly happy and productive, but other times I crave company and conversation.

Helping by not helping

It’s good to help people. But help someone too much and they become dependent on you. They can end up worse off than if you had never helped at all. Sometimes, if you really want to help someone, you have to appear to be an asshole and refuse to help them, in the hope that they learn to help themselves. You also stand to suffer personally by being too helpful, devoting so much time to others that you have none left for yourself.

Self-importance vs. Humility

To do our best work and share it with the world, we need to be convinced of our self-importance. If you believe you suck and everything you do is irrelevant, it’s unlikely you’ll ever help anyone. At the same time, we must try not to consider ourselves too important. If we fail, our ego is likely to get out of control, or we might end up paralyzed by inaction, afraid that any misstep we take will have dire consequences on the planet.

Learning from others vs. Learning from experience

I believe experience is indeed the best teacher, but it can also be a pain in the ass. Rejecting all advice and insisting on learning the hard way is a recipe for disaster. You’d be much better off reading a book on the subject and learning from the mistakes of others. On the flip side, folks can get so caught up in the reading and studying that they never actually go outside and experience anything for themselves.

Selective ignorance vs. Staying informed

I’ve written before about why you should stop watching the news, and I still stand behind that. Most news does us absolutely no good, so we’re better off ignoring it. But some news items will be relevant to us, and the only way to avoid missing them is to let your guard down every now and then. Yeah, occasionally that might mean getting smacked in the face with tales of Lindsay Lohan’s latest escapades, but that’s a chance you have to take. You can’t always know if something’s important to you without first hearing the details.

Your turn

Is there anything you’re absolutely sure of? Have you tried questioning that truth from the other side? What examples of paradox can you see in your own life?

Origins

The term lifestyle design was coined by Tim Ferriss in his bestselling 2007 book, The 4 Hour Workweek. Tim was describing the process of figuring out what you want your life to be like, and then actually going out and making it happen. So if, for example, you want to quit your soul-sucking 9-to-5 job, start a small business where you get paid to do work you’re passionate about, all while traveling the world, the advice in Tim’s book would help you do that.

Ferriss wasn’t the first guy to start living life on his own terms, but he deserves a lot of credit for opening people’s minds and showing them the possibilities. And for giving the movement a name.

What’s in it for me?

(And by me, I mean me, not you. But you’ll probably figure out what’s in it for you as I tell you what’s in it for me.)

So, what appeals to me about lifestyle design? In a word: freedom.

The 4 Hour Work Week helped me realize just how brainwashed I had been by modern society, where the priority is always work-work-work and spend-spend-spend. I was spending most of my time as an easily-replaceable cog in the machine, following orders, collecting my paycheck, waiting for the weekend. And I’m still doing that as I write this, but I’m awake at the wheel now, and I’ve set a new destination. I’ve decided to live on purpose, rather than accept the traditional lifestyle that most folks so easily fall into.

What is the traditional lifestyle?

It’s trading time for money instead of value for money. It’s having to ask permission to take a day off work. It’s someone else deciding what projects you do all day. It’s spending the healthiest years of your life in a cubicle, waiting until you’re old and retired to regain full control of your schedule. It’s buying lots of crap you don’t need in the name of entertainment, to compensate for the dullness of your day job. It’s spending eight hours in the office on a Tuesday, despite getting all your work done in the first two. It’s the long wait for Friday, starting on Monday. It’s pumping out work that countless other people could do, rather than expressing the unique art inside of you.

That lifestyle is no longer for me. I’ve decided to choose freedom instead, which is why I’m quitting my day job in November and moving back to Ireland to start my own location independent business.

Reality check

But of course such freedom comes with a sobering dose of responsibility. If you want to break free of the 9-to-5 and design your own life, you better get yourself some self-discipline and some big cojones, because I don’t believe it to be easy. For one thing, there’ll be no regular paycheck every week. For another, you have to make all the big decisions, take all the big risks. Oh, and if you get lazy and decide to spend all day on Facebook and Youtube, it’s not some big faceless corporation that loses a smidge of productivity; it’s you that might be living on nothing but noodles for the next week.

Is lifestyle design for you?

Lifestyle design is for everybody, but it might not be for you right now. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to embark on this journey two years ago, but I believe I am now. I believe I can make a living doing what I’m passionate about, and I’m willing to work hard and smart to make it happen. I know I can make the necessary sacrifices to achieve my goals, and I’m able to surround myself with a supportive group of people who will help and inspire me along the way. I know all this because I’ve set and worked towards lots of goals over the past few years, and I’ve learned what it takes to reach them.

Lifestyle design isn’t yet for you if you fear embarrassment or failure. It’s not yet for you if you fear change. It’s not yet for you if you’re unsure of your passions. It’s not yet for you if you care more about the destination than the journey. It’s not yet for you if you spend all day on Facebook. It’s not yet for you if you’re opposed to hard work and sacrifice.

Lifestyle design is for everyone who feels frustrated and trapped and knows there must be more to life than pushing buttons all day and collecting a check. There is more. You’ve just been led to believe that this is the right thing to do because the vast majority does it, too. But you don’t have to. You can choose different. You can design your own life.

There are no excuses. Lots of other people are already doing this. People with families, people young, people old, people rich, people poor, people in debt, people with much less intelligence and resources than you. It’s very possible. All it takes is hard work and discipline. Being honest and wanting to help people doesn’t hurt either.

What do I know?

Who am I to fill your head with all this stuff? I haven’t even done anything yet. I’m still here working 9-to-5. For all I know, the real world of entrepreneurship and location independence might be too much for me to handle. But hey, I don’t identify with where I am or where I’ve been. I identify with where I’m going. I know what I want, and I have a good idea of what it will take for me to get it.

I often look ahead several years from now, try to visualize what my life will be like. And I know that if I don’t take the plunge, I’ll still be in a cubicle in 2020, still pushing buttons and collecting a paycheck, missing out on so much of what life has to offer. And there’s no way I can let that happen. That’s the worst-case scenario for me. My own business might fail and I might end up in the gutter, but that wouldn’t be as bad. With that scenario, at least I’d have given it my best shot, chased my dream with everything I had. That’s far more acceptable to me than living life on the default setting.

Just think

I don’t expect you to quit your job tomorrow. I read the 4HWW two years ago, and it was only recently that I decided to take the plunge. I’m not trying to convince you to drop everything and embrace a life of change and uncertainty. But I would like you to start thinking about it, start considering the possibilities, start dreaming of how things could be, start looking around for opportunities, start believing that you could break free if you really wanted to.

An increasing amount of people are doing it. You can too.

Avoid black-and-white simplification, embrace complexity and tolerate contradictions. Complexity and contradictions create confusion for Westerners because they want a right answer. Almost always, there is no definitive one. If you can live with the foggy nature of reality, it is less worrying because oversimplifications for the sake of clarity will be constantly upset by contrary evidence.

Oliver came to this conclusion after doing research in China, a country that doesn’t seem to have high stress levels despite its booming economy. He found that in many cases, Chinese people have the same socially-influenced, materialistic goals as Americans, but they are more prone to adopt them as their own. In Oliver’s words, such “self-deception is essential if you are to cope with this lack of ‘self-concordance’ (having a good balance between your life and your values).”

Oliver points to Confucianism to help explain this. One of the tenets of Confucianism is the principle of contradiction and paradox, the belief that good and bad can coexist in the same object at the same time. Think yin and yang.

Acceptance of this belief apparently leads to inner peace. I can see the benefits. Clarity is nice and everything, but there are many issues which simply do not have a perfect solution. Take guns for example. Americans who oppose the right to bear arms will tell you that if no one had guns, the country would be a safer place. On the flip side, others will argue that criminals will always have guns, and so we have to level the playing field by arming ourselves. Both sides make many valid points beyond those, and both will cite history and statistics to strengthen their cases.

The abortion debate draws similar controversy. Pro-lifers argue that abortion is murder. Others will point to a 15-year old girl who was raped and fell pregnant. What is she to do? There are also studies showing that legalized abortion was a huge reason for the crime drop in 1990′s America. But then, the very woman who fought for her right to have an abortion in the 70′s and so started the ball rolling on legalizing the procedure, is now herself a pro-lifer.

Obviously when it comes to issues like these, there are no perfect solutions, only shades of gray. I believe that learning to accept this “foggy nature of reality” is a key part of personal development.

There’s a powerful exercise in Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, in which he asks you to visualize your own funeral.

Picture three people getting up to say a few words about you, the type of person you were, what you stood for, how you lived. The first speaker is a good friend or family member. The second is someone from your community. The third is a work colleague.

Close your eyes and imagine all three speakers giving sincere and glowing testimonies of you and the life you lived. Everyone listening is moved to tears as they remember how much you meant to them, noticing that the world is a little less bright now that you’ve gone.

Open your eyes.

What you just saw is what you’re aiming for. If you were to die today and have that very funeral you visualized next week, well, congratulations; you’re living an inspired life. Keep it up.

If, however, you think such a tribute is unlikely, well then you’ve got work to do.

Figure out what it is that you want to be remembered for, by friends, colleagues, community members, and everyone else. Work towards becoming that memory.