The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side (But It’s Still A Bitch To Mow)
I’ve been out and about in Amsterdam pretty much every day and night since I got here, talking to strangers and working on my flirting skills. Sometimes I’m wandering around on my own, other times I have company.
One night I was out with a local guy who’s in a committed relationship. After seeing me approach a few groups of attractive women, he told me he was starting to wish he was single so he could do the same. I reminded him that while I had the freedom to go and flirt with all these girls, I’d likely be going home alone that night, while he’d be falling asleep snuggled up with his girlfriend.
The grass is always greener
As the saying goes, you can have everything that you want, but you can’t have it all at the same time. Many of us have this annoying tendency to never be satisfied with our lot. We get what we want, only to crave something different.
I’m no exception. Right now I’m only three weeks into my big round the world adventure, and I’m still loving every minute of it. But I’m sacrificing quite a lot to make this lifestyle a reality, and I expect that at some point I’ll begin to long for some of those things I’ve given up. Like a second pair of pants, or a steady income, or one special person to snuggle up to each night.
However, when I find such dissatisfaction arising inside of me, I’ll remind myself that I chose this life, and I have the power to choose different at any time.
Opportunity cost
A friend of mine in the U.S. works 9-to-5 and lives in her hometown. She got married a couple of years ago and became a mom soon after. In many ways, she’s following that traditional lifestyle path that every grandparent would approve of, and that many non-conformist types rail against.
But here’s the thing: My friend is one of the happiest people I know.
Sure, she can’t stuff all her belongings into a single backpack and hop on a Peruvian plane tomorrow, nor is she completely autonomous in her work. But she does have all the things that matter to her most: A nice home in her favorite city, a good job, a loving husband, and a beautiful baby boy. My guess is that she also has occasional moments of dissatisfaction, wondering what it would be like to walk barefoot in that seemingly greener grass over beyond. But when it comes down to it, she knows that she’s built her life around her highest priorities, and that the sacrifices are absolutely worth it.
So be wary of those occasional moments of dissatisfaction. It can be tempting to scrap everything you’ve been working towards and abruptly change direction, in search of that perfect lifestyle where nothing ever feels lacking.
But such a lifestyle doesn’t exist. There’s always an opportunity cost.
The important thing is that you figure out your priorities, and live in alignment with them. You choose consciously what to sacrifice, and rock on with the lifestyle that affords you.
…
Question: What are you sacrificing to make your current lifestyle a reality? Is it worth it?
I laughed at the title of the post. So love this–maybe because it’s exactly what I needed. I’ve been in a bit of a funk for the last week. I’m pushing myself so hard, and that gets old sometimes. So it’s easy to say, “Screw this and this business…I don’t need it!” What I DO need is a good night’s rest, to be back with my family, and to have good friends (like you!) remind me not to be rash. Thanks, Niall. Meeting you for tea was fateful I think.
Thanks, Jen! Glad this resonated with you. I was approaching burnout myself this week but a solid night’s rest got me back on track.
Keep doing what you do
Great post Niall!
I am constantly torn between the opportunities you just laid out in this post.
First is the desire to root in this city, with our house, my job at the museum, my involvement in the artistic community, teaching photography, and family near by. These are all things that I love.
On the other hand, I want to travel the world, I want to live in Greece for a long period of time, I want to travel the US with one pair of pants, and everything I own stuffed into a backpack.
Right now I am content to root. Someday I may make that choice to change my lifestyle. After all, as you say, I choose this life right now, and when I decide to change it, I’ll change it.
Well, yes,…but sometimes the grass really IS greener…AND , not only that, but it also comes with a riding mower and a leafblower to boot, making yardwok a helluva lot less like a chore and whole lot more fun. The most troubling mental dilemmas are the ones in which we’re convinced we’ve just got some dead and hardscrabble turf…and, in our coveting what our neighbor has, we stop cultivating our own soil. If we can’t see over the wall separating our yard from what we imagine is our neighbor’s Garden of Eden, those fantastic scenarios can really mess up one’s whole headspace. Sometimes, the preoccupations with what someone else might have is even more painful if I built the wall separating my grass from theirs… Sometimes the wall was already there when I moved in. Either way–whether or not that Garden of Eden on the other side is real or imagined–there’s no feeling worse than: “Damn, I wish I took a better tour of the neighborhood before I settled down here.”
Way to roll with that analogy, Sean
But yeah, you’re right. Sometimes that dissatisfaction is a true sign that you need to make a change. for me, it depends on how long it lingers, and what I’d have to give up to move next door.
Awesome post, Niall! I just caught up with your adventures since leaving Ireland, and it all sounds like great fun. I hope that the rest of your journey continues to treat you well!
This line in particular really struck me – “I chose this life, and I have the power to choose different at any time.” It pretty much sums up my life for the past year or so, and it feels good to recognize that we always have a choice.
Happy travels, and I’m sure we’ll chat soon!
Jessica
Totally agreed, Niall. We’ll always have the feeling of missing out and wondering “what if”. Many people haven’t traveled like you do, so I think you’re doing things in the right order: travel for a few years now, and hopefully settle down with someone later. There are also families who manage to travel (with or without kids). Though it’s not exactly cramming everything into one bag and staying away for 3 years, it’s still travel and it creates wonderful experiences. Everything has its upside and downside, it’s good to recognize that and live accordingly
Ha ha. I laughed at Sean’s comment of the grass on the other side coming with a riding mower and a leafblower to boot.
I find as you said Niall, that when I’m really connected to my purpose and living in alignment with that I don’t have those “damn that grass is really green over feelings.
If I do, then I take it as a nudge from the Universe to look at that area of my life and see if things have gotten a little out of whack.
Right now I’m sacrificing material things like new clothes or eating out a lot so I can work from home on a project I’m truly passionate about. It sucks sometimes, like when the clothes get a little raggedy, but those brief moments a far outweighed by the joy I have waking up every day to do something I love.
I appreciated what Esther said, that there’s an upside and a downside to every situation. I feel like we often get conditioned to believe we have to create the perfect life and nothing will be good enough until we do, which sucks cause that perfect life is never going to show up. The imperfection is what makes life so interesting.
Hi Kai, I still find it hard to embrace that imperfection myself. The grass is greener for me as well sometimes, but it helps to talk about that openly – it somehow makes the mowing look less inviting
Good luck with your passion project!
Well said, Niall! When the negatives outweigh the positives, it is time to move on. That takes a lot of strength. It is easy to fall into a rut, which generally leads to a lack of inertia to make a change. It took me 10 years to gain the strength to leave a bad marriage, but it was so worth it. Very scary not knowing the future, but sometimes the future is not so bad when the present is not so good. Be happy and safe on your travels!
Nice post good man! I feel ya, and myself and more of your readers appreciate your thoughts and your adventure. Perhaps we journey vicariously with you? I left the rat race of work the end of Sept. ’09, and while I would like to travel some, a 5 hour drive up to the North Carolina mountains is good enough for me. There are so many youth in my area that keep in touch with and forming relationships with new ones all the time (I visit the kids at their lunches at their schools two days a week). But, I HAVE made a move(s) just the same without changing physical location. And, it’s no burden or even “task” for me as this is my heart’s work. I am quite content and happy. These words are no salute to my current existence at all, nor breaking my arm to pat myself on the back but just throwing out changes and adjustments that can be made internally as well as physically. Nor do I judge either – I appreciate and love what you and fellow travelers are doing, and thank-you for sharing with us. (have you been into any of the, um, sorta like “c0ffee shops” I’ve heard about in Amsterdam?) Namaste!
Thanks for the comment, Ricky. I think Josh from The Minimalists touched on what you’re saying in a post many months ago. People often ask him why he lives in Dayton, Ohio, when he could move to a “cooler” city at any time. His answer is that you can be happy pretty much anywhere. As you know, if you’re looking for travel or relocation to solve all your problems, that’s the wrong motivation.
As for the coffee shops, I’ve been in a couple, but I don’t smoke at all, so I haven’t had the full on-experience. I have heard though that if you just walk around the Red Light District for an hour, it’s the equivalent of smoking a full joint. Crazy place
This rings really true, Niall– thank you for your post. I like to think of it as: I can’t have it all at once, so I just have to choose the order in which to experience things.
I liked the section on opportunity cost.
I used to rant and rave about not being able to do this or that thing ( particularly in college, mainly because I commuted – something I still feel was a bit of a bad mistake on my part but that’s in the past now so I try not to let it get to me. ) always wanting to do things I couldn’t do because of that.
However, one nugget of advice I remember reading someone responded to my rants online from the time was this: If you keep thinking the grass is greener anywhere except where you are standing, you’ll drive yourself insane.
That person was right. Granted, I still want to leave Ireland simply now to explore and see what awaits me outside of the country BUT I am making the most of what I have right now, like meeting up with people I know most weeks and going to some gaming tournaments ( I’m going to one tomorrow, actually ) and keep myself focused on the costume I am going to make myself for Halloween!
So for now, I am just focusing on what I can do right now before I can make the leap and make the most of it.
Good stuff, Adrian. I was the same when I was back in Ireland. I was looking forward to hitting the road, but I tried to make the most of my time there as well. It’s all good
This is exactly why I decided not to create a “travel” blog — at least not a traditional one. It’s easy for me to push travel as the end-all, be-all lifestyle since it’s something I enjoy. But not everyone would be happiest in the nomad lifestyle. And there are times even I don’t want that lifestyle, at least not this moment/this month/this year. There are times — like right now — when all I want is to have a home, a cat, and a huge closet.
The most important thing, as you say, is to build your life around your highest priorities.
One other thing. Another reason this post really resonated with me is because I’m occasionally (okay, constantly) jealous of friends who have full-time jobs with steady paychecks and benefits. One of my friends — who makes good money with amazing benefits for an easy-yet-fulfilling job — recently told me that her company is FLYING her to the Northeast for a Christmas party. She’s flying for a party! Man oh man, I don’t have those kinds of perks as an internet entrepreneur.
But then again, I make my own schedule, live a location-independent life, and have the theoretical potential to earn a lot more, maybe, one day. But it’s important to remind myself that the grass always seems greener …
Everything in life is a compromise of some sort.
Good post.
However there are some of us who get to live on both sides of the fence at the same time (or maybe there is no fence) in certain situations. For instance, being polyamorous means I can flirt with the attractive women and still go home to my wife at night (and even tell her about it without repercussion).
Very true. Exception well noted, Drew.
I know there are cases where people find themselves and grow when they go to a different area. However, I like my area for now because of this: No matter where you go, you’ll always be with you. So you have to start liking yourself no matter where you are.
Thanks Niall. The title gave me a well needed chuckle on a boring Monday morning stuck in the airport!
Amsterdam is proof the grass is greener on the other side