July 15, 2010

Introducing elephants

There’s a line I love right at the start of Randy Pausch’s famous last lecture*, when he mentions a piece of advice his father gave him:

When there’s an elephant in the room, introduce them.

I liked the sound of that when I first heard it, and since then I’ve been gradually building up my elephant-introducing skills. I’ve discovered from my experiments that broaching the very subject everyone else is afraid to mention usually works out pretty well.

A few weeks back, I asked a lesbian couple what it was like being female and gay in New Orleans. In Naples last month, I got talking with a Nigerian immigrant and asked if he suffered much discrimination in Italy. I’ve also had numerous conversations with homeless people about life on the streets.

And it’s not just the big elephants that I try to introduce, but the little ones, too. I like to talk about an awkward hug right after it happens. If someone’s wearing strange pants, I’m likely to mention them.

It doesn’t always work out well. Some people would rather just ignore the elephant, and they don’t appreciate a forced introduction. But I find that to be the exception rather than the rule, especially if you make the right approach.

How to introduce an elephant

The introduction must be made in a certain way. You can’t go marching up to a guy in a wheelchair and blurt out, “Oh my God! What happened to your legs!?”

No. Elephants must be introduced gently.

A news reporter once told me how. She often had to get people talking about subjects they didn’t want to talk about. She wouldn’t run up to the congressman and ask him straight up, “How do you feel about your wife leaving you for a pool boy?” Instead, she’d ask something like, “Mr. Congressman, this must be a very difficult time for you, but I was hoping you could help me understand what you’re going through.” Effectively, what she was communicating was this: “Mr. Congressman, I want to know what it’s like to be you, to be in this situation. Let me walk in your shoes for a while, see the world through your eyes. I’d like to understand, to empathize.”

People open up when you introduce an elephant like that. They know you’re not looking to judge or poke fun, but simply to understand.

Thanks to a similar approach, the lesbians told me that it’s not too tough being female and gay in New Orleans; their male counterparts are usually the ones getting hassled. Larry the Nigerian opened up about the prejudice he’s had to endure from his new neighbors, despite his obvious intelligence, honest heart and work ethic. Tim and Denzel, both homeless in NOLA, helped me understand the challenges they face every day, and how they came to be stuck where they are.

I’ve also come to better understand hugging etiquette and strange fashion choices.

Recognition

I still have a long way to go, lots of elephants to introduce. I’m getting better at recognizing them though. All I do is follow the fear. I ask myself, “What’s taboo here? What am I afraid to ask this person?” And then I do my best to push through the fear and ask it.

In doing so, I’ve discovered what Marc Pachter, the master interviewer, already knew when he asked Agnes DeMille an unthinkable question: “Was it a problem for you in your life, that you were not beautiful?” Pachter asked that question, and the whole audience held their breath, shocked that he would even go there. But DeMille had been waiting her entire life to be asked just that. Everyone she’d ever known had avoided it. And when it was finally asked, she gladly answered.

I believe most people want to be asked these questions, given those opportunities to open up, to bear their souls, to tell someone what it’s like to live in their skin. We all just want to be understood. We all want a chance to tell our side of the story.

The best part is, when you make a habit of introducing elephants, people come to know you as someone who seeks to understand, someone who will listen and not judge, someone who just wants to connect and share a little humanity. There may be some setbacks along the way, as you encounter some souls that aren’t ready to be bore, but such is life. You just move on to the next soul, introduce the next elephant, and learn a little more.

* You can watch the original, 76-minute speech by Randy Pausch on YouTube, or check out the 12-minute reprisal he gave on Oprah.


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July 13, 2010

Way Below Status Quo in New Orleans this Thursday

A quick announcement about the Way Below Status Quo road trip which will be making a stop in New Orleans this Thursday, July 15th. You’ll want to be meeting up with these folks if you have any interest in entrepreneurship, blogging, lifestyle design, location independence or hanging out with random cool people. Trust me.

The trio of Colin, Andi and Ash have been winding their way from East to West across the States for the last two weeks, putting faces to names and having many a blast. Check out the WBSQ website and download the press release (pdf) for more info on the whole dealio.

We — and by “we” I mean mostly Carl — are still finalizing times and places for folks to come hang out and interact with the WBSQ crew. Check back here closer to Thursday or connect with me via Facebook or Twitter to stay in the loop.

7/14 Update

The schedule is set:

6:00pm – Informal Meet & Greet @ The Orange Couch (2339 Royal St.) (RSVP via Facebook)

7:30pm – WBSQ Get Down Dance Lesson by Shine Step Studios (1003 Spain St.; $10 suggested donation)

8:30pm - Break for dinner

10:30pm – Brass Band & Wandering on Frenchman St.


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July 8, 2010

While you were failing

Not very often, but every now and then, I’m way too hard on myself.

Monday morning was a good example. I had planned on getting some serious work done over the 4th of July weekend, but instead I couldn’t resist scratching a pesky social itch and so ended up spending the majority of the weekend either out on the town or sleeping in.

There I was on Monday morning, feeling like I’d let myself down, neglected things I shouldn’t have.

But then I got to thinking. I realized that yeah, sure, I failed to follow through on my initial plans, but that didn’t have to mean those previous few days were a complete waste. I put aside the negative thoughts and asked myself a question: What did I succeed at this past weekend?

As it turns out, I succeeded at quite a lot: I donated a bunch of clothes, getting my possession count down below 200 for the first time; I forged lots of great connections; I had an abundance of great conversations; I laughed; I made others laugh; I made people think; I read a whole book; I shared my dreams; I danced to live music; I broke through fear barriers to approach and chat with women I found extremely attractive; I stayed true to myself; I supported local businesses (mostly pubs); I shared stories and experiences; and I pieced together the previous blog post.

Man, what was I thinking? I rocked it this past weekend!

Now I’m wondering if you, like me, ever focus too much on your failures, beat yourself up, oblivious to your successes. Let’s stop doing that and start giving ourselves some credit. We don’t always do what we set out to do, but we can still accomplish quite a lot, even as we’re failing.


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July 6, 2010

The daily habits of highly effective people

Leadership guru Robin Sharma advocates taking what he calls a “holy hour” each morning, 60 minutes devoted to self-mastery and personal development. During this 60 minutes, he might read inspirational books, mediate, review his goals, or just simply take time to think.

Given his success, that daily habit obviously works well for Robin. I was curious to learn about the daily habits of a few of my favorite folks online. So I asked them. The question went like this:

Is there something you do every day — something most people don’t do — that helps you be at your best?

I got great responses from nine impressive people. Here they are…

Corbett Barr, Free Pursuits & Think Traffic

Corbett writes about no-nonsense lifestyle design at Free Pursuits, and also knows a thing or two about building a popular website. His response:

Let every day flow. Creative work takes long periods of intense concentration. To achieve that, you can’t make each day too rigid or pre-planned. Schedules are deadly to creativity, so avoid planned meetings on days when you need the creativity to flow.

Everett Bogue, Far Beyond The Stars

Everett is learning how to sail, but that’s not really important right now. The important bit is that he teaches you how to apply minimalism in order to live and work from anywhere. His response to my question:

There are three elements that I need in my day to make everything work.

  1. Movement. I have to either walk, bike or take the train somewhere. This gets the ideas flowing. For instance, today I walked up to the UC Berkeley campus and grabbed a table at a local coffee shop to work.
  2. Time constraints. I only let myself work for 2 hours max per day currently. I find that if I say to myself “I have to get everything done by the end of two hours.” Everything falls into place much quicker, and there’s less incentive to get distracted.
  3. Eliminating distractions. When I write, I turn everything else off. Tweetdeck, my email, any other projects turned off. I use Writeroom or Evernote on my iPhone to single-task the art of writing until I’m done with whatever idea I’m working on for the day.

Karol Gajda, Ridiculously Extraordinary

Karol writes about freedom, health, travel and life at Ridiculously Extraordinary. He doesn’t mind people stealing his shit. His response to my question:

Yes, there is actually something I do that most people don’t.

Eating a plant-based diet provides a clarity that is not possible to
achieve otherwise.

(Quick aside: Karol no lie. I also found that I could focus better and think more clearly after switching to a plant-based diet. Read about my experience here.)

Chris Guillebeau, The Art of Non-Conformity

Chris helps people live life on their own terms as he visits every country in the world and fights the status quo. His response to my question:

I always try to be thinking about the next action. I work on a lot of projects on any given day, so the goal is to continually push the boulder up the hill on each one, even if only a little. Small pushes combined with a continual bias toward action = highly effective.

Benny Lewis, Fluent in 3 Months

Benny speaks a billion languages — give or take — and reveals how you can speak them, too. He’s also Irish, so you know he’s a legend. His response to the habit question:

Waste no time and read/study/listen at every traffic light, supermarket queue and elevator. Time-box tasks into 30 minute chunks and switch immediately when time runs out so you don’t spend too long at one thing. Enjoy solitude if it helps you focus, but get out of the house, socialise and exercise to make sure your mind is truly balanced.

Jonathan Mead, Illuminated Mind

Jonathan is the good kind of crazy. He wants you to follow your dreams, and delivers self development tools to help you be extraordinary. His response to my question:

Probably the highest leverage habit that I’ve installed in my day is mindfulness of how I feel, and allowing my feelings to guide me. I have a list of the way I feel when I’m doing my best work, and I use those to guide the actions that I take, instead of doing it the other way around. I’ve come to realize that I have access to the way I want to feel right now, without having to do anything to create it. When I cultivate the emotional state I want to be in — and feel good — the actions seem to take care of themselves.

Andi Norris, Instigationology

Some say Andi pees victory and belches respect. Away from metaphors, she thought-provokes, motivates and instigates at her lifestyle design blog. Her response to the habit question:

I don’t do one thing everyday. I have a several ways of getting myself “in the zone” if I don’t wake up in it, such as stream of consciousness writing, running, etc that I rotate through depending on how I feel. But mostly, I do what I want and then what I need and trust that nothing will ever be enough for my hunger but everything will be enough to keep moving forward.

Tammy Strobel, RowdyKittens

Tammy wears cool hats while helping people live simple, authentic and uncluttered lives via her writing on RowdyKittens. Her response to my question:

Rising early is the best thing I’ve done for myself. I’m able to go running, practice yoga, write or read. Incorporating these activities into my morning routine has helped me get centered and focused for the day ahead.

Colin Wright, Exile Lifestyle

Colin writes regularly about lifestyle design, minimalism and world travel. He’ll also be in New Orleans next week, disrupting the rabblement with instigating Andi. His response to my question:

Every day I take 20 minutes to do literally nothing – no music, no games, no reading, no work, no computer – I just sit quietly and let my mind wander as it will. I call it my 20 Minutes of Awesome, and it allows me to clear my mind, reboot my mental CPU and refocus my attention on things that really matter. Often afterward I’ll realize I was focusing my attention on the wrong things and immediately am able to tackle the things that I SHOULD be concentrating on, instead.

…

A massive thanks to all of the above. Lots of good advice in there.


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July 2, 2010

Inner parent, inner child

I came across an interesting concept a few years ago — I’ve long since forgotten where — that I’d like to share with you today. The concept is quite simple: Imagine that there are two sides to your personality: the parent and the child.

Your inner child

Imagine that the child side of your personality is responsible for all those primal urges and knee-jerk decisions. The child is that side of you that thinks it’s perfectly okay to eat McDonalds everyday, to sit on the couch every evening watching mindless TV shows, and to blurt out stupid things at inopportune times.

The child follows every whim, for better or worse, never thinking ahead or considering the consequences of each action. Sometimes that childish spontaneity turns out to be a good thing, since quite often the best way to learn more about what interests you is to march right up and interact with it directly. The child also has that sense of wonder about the world, and likes to question why everything works the way it does.

Your inner parent

And then there’s the parent side of your personality. That’s the little voice of reason and experience inside of you, less likely to act on impulse. The parent advises against blowing your whole paycheck on a Playstation, reminds you to buckle up, and sends you to your room to think about what you did. On the downside, the parent half of you has been conditioned by society not to go against the grain, not to think freely, not to cause a scene.

Which one should you listen to?

You shouldn’t just listen to one side all the time. Sometimes your parent side will serve you better. Sometimes your child side will. Listen to both when it comes time to make a decision. Identify which side wants what and why, consider the likely outcome of each path, then pick a side and act.

(Granted, it’s not really child-like if you always pause to look before you leap, but that’s okay. Spontaneity will return later, as you internalize what makes a good decision and what doesn’t.)

Which one do you listen to?

Mostly parent or mostly child? Would you be better off listening less to one and more to the other? Can you strike a better balance than you currently do?


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