5:13 a.m.
Recently I realized I’d been living too much in my head. Not being present, in the moment.
Several months ago I started doing twenty minutes of meditation a day. But it wasn’t really meditation. It was me sitting in a chair and letting my mind wander. The last week or so I’ve been more conscious of the wandering. I bring my focus back to my breath more frequently and try to extend that gap between thoughts.
I’m writing this at 4:30 a.m. I just got back in from a night on the town. I had a few surreal interactions at the end of the night that left me feeling like I might be getting the hang of this presence thing. I talk to a lot of people when I go out. Guys and girls. I try to be really social and have lots of fun. I try to find humor in even the bad interactions, like when I approach a pretty girl and she completely blows me out.
The less I’m in my head, thinking of what to say or do next, the better each interaction goes. Even if it starts off terribly, with a cold shoulder for instance, it’s pretty freaky how often people come around when I just accept what’s happening and hold my composure, being present to the moment, not resisting the resistance. When I get into this space, I feel like a magnet. People seem to look at me differently, with a certain curiosity, like there’s something compelling about me that their brain can’t quite explain.
I’ve been at the other end of this magnetic pull many times, too, when I’ve been around others who have a knack for being present. We’re strangely attracted to people who are living in the now, going with the flow, not trapped in their heads.
I’m more likely to get into that space later on in the night, after I’ve talked to loads of people and gotten into a more social mindset, and also after I’ve been blown out several times and desensitized myself to rejection. I’m not sure I ever quite felt it like I did tonight though.
I took a taxi home after flowing mindlessly through a conversation with a cute girl outside the club and exchanging numbers. The taxi dropped me off at the hotel next to my apartment complex. There were four Russian girls sitting outside, looked like they’d just got back from a night out themselves. Out of curiosity I walked up to them and said hey, only to be met with ice cold stares, followed by what I can only assume was a joke at my expense (in Russian), then laughing.
I just stood there, holding eye contact, smiling comfortably. I fully accepted their resistance. I barely said anything in response. To an observer I’m sure it would have felt like a few tense moments. But to me it was nothing, just stillness. And then I felt that magnetism kick in. They became curious as to why this random dude wasn’t shuffling his feet or growing red in the cheeks. One girl softened her eyes and asked my name. I sat with them and chatted easily for about five minutes, then said goodnight.
I’m sure that sounds pretty underwhelming to you. It does to me too when I read back over it. And I know it’s nothing new. Present moment awareness. Be here now. All that lark. But it sure felt like some powerful shit at the time.
It’s now 5:13 a.m.
Man I totally get it. Its not often enough that we (or atleast me) are present. Its easy to just start thinking of the “future” but its not fair to ourselves. Not fair to life and not be present, actually living in the moment. Maybe we should have our own little challenge Niall. We can have a 30 day challenge where we need to try and be present and report back.
Winner becomes a jedi.
Haha, thanks for the comment, man. I’ll pass on the challenge for now. Will keep trying to be present regularly, but I’m keeping track of enough challenges as it is at the moment
As someone who’s on a couple of dating sites and who reads forums on and about those sites, there’s a phenomenon of men approaching women aggressively and women turning them down and then the men get “butthurt” and it devolves into bad feelings on both sides. Women hesitate to even reply with a “not interested” for fear they’ll be attacked, or they reject with such force that anyone’s feelings would be hurt. It’s bad behavior on both sides, and it’s a downward spiral.
What you’ve done in the situation you described above is some serious dude-jedi power. By not getting defensive, or hurt, you demonstrated considerable strength of character, which is always alluring.
I once replied to a guy who messaged me that I didn’t think we were a good match, and I explained why. He took it _so_ graciously, I changed my mind and continued our correspondence.
Being ripped or wealthy or…whatever…might get you an introduction, but being calmly and quietly self-possessed and self-confident will get you a conversation.
Congratulations for figuring that out. Not many do.
Love that example about the gracious guy. I found being gracious and kind worked really well in my old 9-to-5 as well. When someone would be in a bad mood or on the attack, I used to try “kill them with kindness,” and they almost always came back so friendly the second time.
LoL about 2 years ago I arrived at the hotel at 5 a.m. and I wrote:
“While the taxi runs through the skyscrapers I think that trying to seduce a beautiful girl at 5am between the interferences of a violent Kazakistan guy and frequent attacks of diarrhea is something new to me.
Then I smile, realizing that such kind of situations give you the interior force that you can’t learn on the books.
If I can approach a beautiful unknown girl without caring about what people think, what can I ever fear, in this world dominated by the fear of not being socially accepted?”
Which is more or less your same feeling from last night, I guess.
You are doing great : )
Right back at ya, dude
Yay, Niall!
I so agree with shygrrl (above) that an unexpectedly gracious reaction to being turned down can change the dynamic. I admire the courage it takes to not go shuffling into the darkness, mumbling about bitches.
Play on, playa.
Haha, thanks Lib!
Thank you for an amazing start to my morning Niall! I’ve come to really look forward to reading your posts with my am caffeine fix. Out of all I have read so far, this one resonates with me the most. Especially the bit about how people react to you differently when you are in the present moment. I’ve found it truly amazing that even though my actions may not appear all that different, there is something magical in a look exchanged with someone else, in the space between the words. There is a sense of curiosity and true recognition you can see in their eyes, if that makes sense, lol, one that can be fully acknowledged in that space. The power of those moments have been enough to bring me out of negative states of mind. Powerful enough to change my perception of my experiences and the world around me, which were once coloured with a feeling of low self-worth and “not enough”. Although, I still struggle with all that, I find that not identifying with the thoughts in my head has helped to deal with the day-to-day and feel a greater pull to connect. In another way, however, I also feel the descent back to the previous state of mind, I find that noticing the signs can be difficult, especially in stressful situations. So, still working on catching my mind playing that old recording.
I’m curious though about your thoughts on staying motivated and grounded in the moment. I can imagine that it must be difficult at times to always be dependant upon yourself for everything. What do you do to resist the pull back to the previous state of mind?
Oh crap, was this post too long? oops, you just got me thinking so much! It’s your fault! lol
I take full responsibility
It is tough to always stay motivated and grounded in the moment. I think it’s good to accept that we’ll stray off that path every now and then, and resolve not to beat ourselves up about it. Just take a deep breath and try get back on track instead.
I am stuck in my head way too much…an inside-out control freak…working on learning to trust and live in the moment. Thank you for posting this morning! Very encouraging!
Thanks for reading, Mary!
I’m guessing these Russian girls didn’t have mobile phones? Most girls I’ve come across would call the police if I stood there staring at them outside their apartment block in the middle of the night.
It’s all about the vibe. If you can hold a relaxed and confident vibe (can’t do this when your mind is racing and you’re wondering what to say/do next), most people will quickly relax and accept you.
I’m thinking those girls could sense that I didn’t want anything from them, and so they relaxed and accepted me.
Hey Niall,
Do you think there is a difference between being present and accepting what’s happening in a given moment?
I think I’m pretty good at being present, but accepting the moment is a little more difficult or me still.
Wow, great question, something to think about. I believe Eckhart Tolle would say that you can accept what’s happening in a given moment without liking/approving of it.
Say you’re hanging out with a really obnoxious person. You can accept that they are the way they are without trying to change them, but at the same time you can take action to remove yourself from that situation. “I accept that this situation sucks, and now I’m going to extract myself from it.”
Not at all easy in practice of course. I sometimes notice my shoulders becoming tense when I’m not accepting the present moment, especially if it’s an unpleasant one. Training myself to recognize that tension as a trigger to breathe deep and become present.
(Cocopop—I am not sure how I feel about highly-trained grey squirrels yet, so I’m curious about you. The wild grey squirrels I’ve known in the past were cute to watch do amazing acrobatic feats in my yard but I needed to be savvy about things like accessibility to cat food, bird food, people food, and the vegetable garden. In the end, there were lots of bits of galvanized fencing all over things and special feeders just for them. So, are you highly-trained to be more socially appropriate about food? I imagine you are well fed? Or are you highly-trained to get around the bits of guards?!! In any event, I am curious. I’ll leave you to your job now.
Re: 5:13 a.m.
Thank you Niall! Happy post- St. Valentine’s Day!
May I take a stab at restating some of what you’ve said here, from a slightly different perspective? I have also spent time trying to nail down this particular sensation that, hopefully, occurs when interacting with new people. And since this travel lifestyle means nearly all those I’m interacting with daily are new to me, it has become important to understand.
When we let go of protecting our own “self”, live with peace and joy in the present moment, and allow others to be where they are—no matter what’s going on with them—it gives them the space to relax and accept where we are. This sometimes means they need to give us the “cold shoulder” or make a joke at our expense—and like you, I’ve had this happen a few times where even though I didn’t understand their language, I understood the tone of voice and the ensuing laughter—to hold onto power in group dynamics. (I’ve been using the word “power” for several years to describe the currency that is being exchanged in this type of human interaction—still looking for a different word with fewer distracting connotations if someone has one!)
However, I have found that when I am open to giving power to others—so instead of giving the jokester the “evil eye” or cold shoulder, I give him an eye twinkle and imagine to myself that we’re old chums. I might say something like, “Anything you need darling, just ask!”, or sometimes just smile and tell myself I don’t know what’s going on in their life or what they need but I’m willing to be a giver to help them have a better life. Even when they continue to respond as a taker or rejecter, it’s ok—because I’m still ok. I made the choice to give, they are not taking against my will. Turns out–giving power to others doesn’t diminish our own—it adds to it.
Caveat here: There are times to be firm and take actions. E.g.: not paying a cab driver $100 US for driving 19KM. We (the riders) thought we had agreed on 100 Gourde, on paper, before we took the trip. We did pay $30US after an English speaker explained the cab ride would usually cost about $20 US and 100 G=$2.30US), but still maintaining respect for the cab driver—even after an hour of standoff that seemed to attract the attention of the entire town and his repeated threats to have us thrown into jail, even after we had already given him $20US. We learned our guide book was sorely outdated about the cost of living in Haiti.
Do I do this all the time? I wish! I’ve found that when I’ve just had several days of awkward, stilted interactions and I finally step back to do some much needed introspection, there is usually something internal I need to address. The good news is that the more I “reset” myself to be a giver, the easier it becomes.
Thanks for letting me go-on about this!
Also, your post reminded me of this, http://blog.ted.com/2007/07/19/rives_exposes_t_1/ . If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s US-centric, but a funny way to demonstrate how it is possible to rationalize and create seeming connections out of pretty much anything.
Lots of great wisdom in that comment, Leslie. Thanks so much for sharing. I especially like this bit:
“Even when they continue to respond as a taker or rejecter, it’s ok—because I’m still ok. I made the choice to give, they are not taking against my will.”
Will definitely have a look at that TED talk you linked to. Hadn’t come across that one before.
P.S. Cocopop says hey, and that he’s sorry about the vegetable garden. He was young and he needed the calories.
Hell yes man, hell yes. You been watching some RSD stuff? Presence opens up a whole new world. It’s only of the main differences between my good and shitty interactions.
Check out the “Power of Presence” program by Authentic Man Program. Badass stuff if you’re on a presence kick.
Keep stuntin!
YES to the RSD stuff. I’ve gotten a lot of great insights from Tyler. Thanks for the heads up about that other program, too.
There’s an animal sense almost for whether people are in PNS or SNS.
http://www.personalpowermeditation.com/forum/social-dynamics/one-area-sleazy-hasn%27t-talked-about-much-in-%27debunking%27/
http://www.personalpowermeditation.com/forum/social-dynamics/being-a-woman-magnet/
http://www.personalpowermeditation.com/forum/meditation/references-for-snspns/
Good stuff. Love that second post, sent the first to my Kindle for later reading. Thanks a mil!
Oh, and that stands for Parasympethic and Sympathetic Nervous Systems. One is the chill/relaxed/digesting and the other one is the fight/flight one.
Great story Niall, I hope I can achieve the same thing too.
Good Job being real. Probably those Russian gals were fed up with bad behavior from someone else. Glad you were there to be real, give hope to the human race and all that. I’m guessing it was a combo of your own sincerity mixed with a general Irish charm (all the IrishmenI know are charming! – can’t wait to see my Irish mechanic on Monday!)
“Ah sure jaysus ya need a new car-ba-retter, diddly aye ta tee ta toe.”
Being present in the moment is something I have been trying to be more aware of recently as well. I have a long way to go, but I have at least been catching myself more often when I’m thinking ahead in a conversation, or not really being aware. Seems like not being present is a rather deep cultural habit to the extent that it is difficult to practice presence and remarkable when achieved.
Absolutely. A lot of things in the modern world seem to be pulling us the other way. Difficult to practice, but definitely worth the effort.
I love the idea of remaining composed in what could have been an awkward situation. Something I am really bad at and would love to learn how to do.
You have to accept that it will be really awkward the first few times you practice it. I still stay in some interactions when it gets really really awkward, just to build up more resistance to social pressure and learn to be less outcome dependent. I did it a few times on Saturday night actually. I’ve learned to see the humor in such situations now.
Being in the Now is when I feel at peace. I am committed to learning to living my life in this state of Now.
Great to have found your blog. Thank you.