Embracing Paradox
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
In his Road Less Traveled trilogy, M. Soctt Peck writes a lot about paradox, making the point repeatedly that the acceptance of paradox is a big step towards mental health. His words from The Road Less Traveled and Beyond:
If you want to think with integrity, and are willing to bear the pain involved, you will inevitably encounter paradox. The Greek word para means “by the side of, beside, alongside, past, beyond.” Doxa means opinion. Thus, a paradox is “a statement contrary to common belief, or one that seems contradictory, unbelievable, or absurd but may actually be true in fact.” If a concept is paradoxical, that in itself should suggest that it smacks of integrity and has the ring of truth. Conversely, if a concept is not in the least paradoxical, you may suspect that it has failed to integrate some aspects of the whole.
I believe this to be true. More and more I see everything in life as a delicate balance. You need to consider all sides and be open to all possibilities.
A few examples of paradox I’ve encountered in my own life:
Discipline vs. Flexibility
I’m usually very disciplined. I set myself tasks and goals and I follow through on the vast majority of them. I plan each week in advance, and I dedicate an hour each morning to writing, reading and thinking. I need that discipline to be at my best, but I also need flexibility. I remind myself that whatever schedule I set must serve as my slave, not as my master. So every now and then, I’ll blow off that 2 hours of work I had planned for a Thursday evening, and go hang with a friend at the pub instead. When I was in Italy last month, I planned very little in advance and had a great time embracing uncertainty.
Comparing yourself to others
It’s often said that happiness lies in not comparing yourself to others. I believe that’s both true and false. Such comparisons have often helped me. There are many people in my Toastmasters club who are better than me at public speaking. I regularly compare myself to them in an effort to pinpoint the differences, and then I go to work trying to close those gaps. This helps me improve. But I have to be careful with those comparisons. When I start resenting others for their superiority, or I start getting down on myself for not being as good, that’s when I’ve gone too far. That’s when I have to step back and remind myself that I’m the best me that’s ever lived, and there’s really no comparison 
Solitude vs. Companionship
As Leo Babauta recently wrote on Zen Habits, to be at your creative best, you need time alone… but you also need community and participation. Seek only solitude, and you’re likely to end up lonely and depressed. Seek only companionship, and you’ll never have time to create your best work or think for yourself. I try to strike a good balance between the two. I can often spend several hours alone, perfectly happy and productive, but other times I crave company and conversation.
Helping by not helping
It’s good to help people. But help someone too much and they become dependent on you. They can end up worse off than if you had never helped at all. Sometimes, if you really want to help someone, you have to appear to be an asshole and refuse to help them, in the hope that they learn to help themselves. You also stand to suffer personally by being too helpful, devoting so much time to others that you have none left for yourself.
Self-importance vs. Humility
To do our best work and share it with the world, we need to be convinced of our self-importance. If you believe you suck and everything you do is irrelevant, it’s unlikely you’ll ever help anyone. At the same time, we must try not to consider ourselves too important. If we fail, our ego is likely to get out of control, or we might end up paralyzed by inaction, afraid that any misstep we take will have dire consequences on the planet.
Learning from others vs. Learning from experience
I believe experience is indeed the best teacher, but it can also be a pain in the ass. Rejecting all advice and insisting on learning the hard way is a recipe for disaster. You’d be much better off reading a book on the subject and learning from the mistakes of others. On the flip side, folks can get so caught up in the reading and studying that they never actually go outside and experience anything for themselves.
Selective ignorance vs. Staying informed
I’ve written before about why you should stop watching the news, and I still stand behind that. Most news does us absolutely no good, so we’re better off ignoring it. But some news items will be relevant to us, and the only way to avoid missing them is to let your guard down every now and then. Yeah, occasionally that might mean getting smacked in the face with tales of Lindsay Lohan’s latest escapades, but that’s a chance you have to take. You can’t always know if something’s important to you without first hearing the details.
Your turn
Is there anything you’re absolutely sure of? Have you tried questioning that truth from the other side? What examples of paradox can you see in your own life?
The other question is how hard should your strife to maintain the balance? If one element spirals out of control should you struggle to regain it or let it ride it’s course?
I completely agree with avoiding the news, it’s not doing anyone any good.
Great post! I like the portrayal of paradoxes as the balance within a principle of it’s seemingly opposing sides. Truly, from the Greek origin of the word, it is just an examination of what is outside opinion, a little beyond “common sense”.
Thanks for the comments!
Liam: I’m not sure I understand your question. Taking discipline vs. flexibility as an example, are you asking what you should do if you become too undisciplined? I definitely try hard to keep a balance between such things. If I see something getting out of hand, I’ll take action to correct course.
acepek: Common sense isn’t that common
Control and delegation.
Sometimes it’s best to let other do something, even if it’s not perfect.
Doing Nothing vs. doing Something
Sitting still and meditating instead of going out in the world and being busy is the most minimalist form of self-development there is.
Great examples!
Tony: I still struggle with delegation. I could definitely have a better balance there. I expect I’ll be experimenting with virtual assistants in the next 18 months or so.
Tom: I think I’m good with this. I love having projects to work on and getting out and about, but I’ve gotten much better at taking time to meditate daily, take an evening/day off when I need it, and just generally step away from the busy-ness. Robin Sharma always says that the most effective people really know how to detach completely from work and let themselves recharge.
Niall,
how long did it take you to write this entry?
I’m keen on writing but when it comes to serious issues words jump from my head to an entry rather slowly.
Pavel: I’m not sure how long it took. I didn’t write it all at one time. I’d guess it was about 60-90 minutes altogether. It used to take me much longer to write an entry, but I just kept practicing and developed a routine (I write for ~30 minutes every morning). Words and ideas flow easily once you get into the habit.
If there was one thing I read that helped me become a better writer, this is it: http://thinktraffic.net/become-a-faster-writer
Wow, lots of paradox discussions Niall, I really enjoy the dichtomies you present. To me, the conclusion of your post seems to be that “balance” is the key to a happy life. So often, our society likes to polarize situations to the point where reality is distorted and it causes some horrendous behaviors and results, where the struggle for those of us is wanting to stay rooted in the truth is to be conscious. Recently, I stumbled upon this couple, Kristin and David Morelli, and they talk about energy. Specifically how energy trumps thoughts and emotion. I would recommend checking it out if your interested about subjective reality and how energy is everything.
Enjoyed the read. How is New Orleans?
Yang
Yang: Absolutely, balance is key. That and embracing uncertainty. People who are 100% certain that their beliefs are the right beliefs never learn very much. Most growth comes when you allow for your expectations to be violated.
I checked out the Morelli’s. Thanks for the recommendation. I’ve started working my way through their archived radio shows on iTunes. Loving them so far.
New Orleans is magical, man. Every day.
Thanks for the comment.
Hahahah Love that! My life has been moving to such a good place, can’t wait to write about it!
Dependence vs. Independence
I think that this is a similar animal to the one listed above about helping people by not helping them. In general, within human relationships, especially romantic ones, there should be a healthy balance between being too dependent vs. being too independent. If you are too dependent on someone else, you are placing too much expectation and responsibility on the other person for your own well-being. This person will start to resent that you expect him or her to be your entire world.
But if you are too independent, you are cutting yourself off from the kind of intimacy that develops when two people can depend on one another to help each other out in bad situations as much as they can. Humans are social animals, our survival depends on being able to count on the fact that others will help us out sometimes.
Great example, Becky. Thanks for sharing.