The Disconnect
Note: No video accompanies this post, as it failed to upload twice via Westminster Library wifi, and I’ve got to run and catch a bus to Amsterdam. To compensate, here’s a picture of me looking macho in Brighton on Wednesday…
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming…
A few weeks ago I met a friend for coffee in Cork. We were sitting having a great chat until I spotted a guy I kind of knew walking past the cafe. I shouted a hello to him, and he decided to come and join us for a minute. Except one minute quickly became ten, and this guy was quickly wearing out his welcome.
Now I’ve been in his position before, and I’ve had people make it clear that it was time for me to leave. Usually all it takes is strong eye contact, a warm smile, and the words, “Well, it was nice to see you.” With that, I get the message and excuse myself, not feeling any ill-will, but perhaps a little embarrassed that I hadn’t read the situation better and excused myself earlier.
But when the roles were reversed, I couldn’t bring myself to be that assertive. I was worried that the guy would take offense, so I let him continue to be an annoyance to me and my friend, and we didn’t get to continue the great chat we were having before he came along.
I could give you plenty more examples like this. I’ve been noticing such disconnects everywhere recently. I hold myself to one standard, and other people to something different altogether. I see certain behaviors as perfectly acceptable from other people, but I worry about offending if I behave that way myself.
Unexpectedly, my travel adventure has been helping me work on this. Since I’m regularly on the move nowadays, I don’t spend as much time online. This is forcing me to prioritize, often ruthlessly. I can no longer respond to every email without stressing myself out. I can’t read every blog I’m subscribed to. I can’t help as many friends who are having web design issues (paid work has to come first). I often have to give up the urge to explain myself, especially to those who come across disrespectful. I sometimes have to let bad shit happen.
I was worried about all these things for a while, concerned that I’d be disappointing and upsetting people. But then I realized a few things:
- I don’t get pissed off when someone doesn’t respond to my email. I just let it go.
- I don’t expect people to read every post I publish, or even read my blog at all.
- I completely understand when a friend can’t help me out with something because they’re busy working on a paid project.
- I don’t insist on explanations from others when I fail to understand where they’re coming from. I just try to accept them as they are.
- I understand that sometimes I’ll be part of someone else’s “bad shit happening,” and I refuse to take it personally.
With all of the above in mind, I’ve decided to make a slight change with my unspoken commenting policy here at Disrupting the Rabblement. I was making it a point to respond to every comment, even if a response wasn’t required. I’m going to stop doing that. I’ll still read and appreciate every comment, but I’ll only respond to those that I feel warrant a response.
This may seem like a silly, insignificant change, but I actually struggled with the decision for a bit. I was worried that some of you fine folks would take offense and view me as careless and disrespectful. But then I realized that I often leave comments on other blogs and simply shrug it off when there’s no response. I just assume that the blogger was busy doing other things, and I move on with my life. No big deal.
Where are you disconnected?
Have you noticed anything like this in your life? What behavior do you find acceptable from others, but not from yourself, and why do you think this is? Why the double standard?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments. I may or may not respond 
…
P.S. I was recently sent along a complimentary copy of Minimalism: Essential Essays (affiliate link), written by Ryan and Josh over at The Minimalists. I was so impressed that I went ahead and paid for it afterwards (it feels good to support cool people doing quality work, even if it is a very small price).
So now I have a copy to give away. If you want it, retweet this post by hitting the button below. I’ll pick a winner at random.
Don’t worry about it. I don’t think most people expect a response for every comment on every website they frequent. Sure, when I get a response, I think it’s nice, but it certainly doesn’t leave me feel shortchanged if no one responds. No big deal, but I do understand why this is something you debated with yourself. It just shows you care about your work and your readers. Rest assured that you will still be able to maintain an engaging website with this new decision.
Some good thoughts here, Niall. Thanks. No response necessary.
I have been impressed that you replied to anything I ever wrote. That just does not usually happen. To the point of your blog post: for me, it has always been when I am getting interested in someone of the opposite sex. I do not know why, but right at the point that it is starting to feel right, along will come joe stud and they will worm their way in. First by just being friendly. I fine with that. But then they begin to cross that line we all set at some point that is not correct. Being the introvert I am, relationships are hard enough to get off the ground as it is, but this always places a strain on things.
Ahh, that feels better just getting that out there. Thanks ND.
Michael
Man we worry about so much SHIT. And I mean SHIT with capital letters. Oh, that’s what I said. Happily Niall I don’t have this worry anymore. I just say it how it is, but politely. I did suffer for years in too many mention ways. But you know the answer to what is in your post. We worry about what others will think. Well there’s a quote that goes something like this – We wouldn’t worry about what others think of us if we realised just how little time they spend thinking about us. There is SUCH a truth in there. I don’t think about why you haven’t responded to posts. I don’t worry about ignored (and that is the WRONG term) emails (unless there important; which in my world is rare. And I certainly go to bed every night thinking about other people too often. I’ve enough of my own worries to occupy my mind. Anyway enough ranting. I look forward to NOT hearing from you.
Stan
After reading your post I’ve just realized the big number of disconnections in my life. The standard I apply to my friends or the people I care about is completely different of the one I impose to myself. This double standard goes from very small things, like not being able to cut a chat on the phone when I have to do other things whereas I really don’t care when a friend cuts me, to more important things. I find acceptable behaviors in the others that seem horrible in me, for instance, I don’t think that anybody is selfish or bad person when decides put his needs before the family or friend’s, but I still feel guilty when I do it.
I think we tend to be more strict with ourselves than we are with others. Maybe because you find like the other people were more important, or just because you are not sure if they are going to understand and you want to avoid any situation that could cause an offense.
First off, that picture of you is AWESOME. I vote for having it as your profile pic. Such personality in that picture on so many levels. Plus you look like a stud.
Funny that you posted this today. I was just thinking about how I can respond to your last comment, but I couldn’t think of anything to write. I thought to myself, “Hope he doesn’t mind!” Looks like you won’t. ;^)
This is something I struggle with as well, it’s much easier to be accepting of others when they do it to you, but it takes much more strength to dismiss another yourself. Glad you’re finding you truth and sharing with us, thanks!
Hahahaha — LOVE the picture of you!! That’s the greatest!!
Hooray for you for being forced to radically, relentlessly cull your priorities. This is a great exercise for you. We should all go ‘offline’ except for an hour a day and then ask ourselves: what would I do if I only had 1 hour?
Oh, I get it – now you’re talking to five random women every day and squirrels across Europe so who cares about us!?! This is so outrageous! I’m not going to open, read or comment on your blog further.
And one other thing – I’m going to respond on behalf of you to other people’s comments on your blog!?!
I mean I’ll comment as you when and if I do read it!
Niall, great post. I was having trouble with worrying about shit in my life the past few days, until I consciously recognized that worrying didn’t make me do anything better. That made it easy to “untether” (as Ev would say) from my worry and actually focus on what I needed to do.
I’ve got a behavior that I don’t find acceptable from others, but it seems to be the norm.
If I want to talk with someone and they’re engaged in a conversation, I wait politely for the conversation to finish or for an indication from the person that they’re ready for me to enter the conversation. I always feel it’s rude to walk in the middle as if my question/thought/contribution should trump whatever conversation they’re having at that moment.
Yet I continuously experience people butting into conversations I’m having, completely disregarding or tromping over what I may have been asking/saying/contributing.
Sometimes it really pisses me off, but I can’t bring myself to do that to others. I think it’s disrespectful.
Well that’s integrity right there then, Spyros. Kudos to you, man.
I tend to let people butt into my conversations, too. I’m really impressed with others who refuse to accept such interruptions and shoot back with a calm but firm, “One second, let me finish…”
Hi Niall, Love the pic of you – the horses were always my favourite ride at the fairground
I bet answering every comment gets quite draining, good for you for being so honest and giving us all something to think about 
Hey,
The pic is priceless.
Vishnu,
++++++++1.
I thought you were a fucking trooper for responding that much! Everyone’s got limits hombre.
By the way I mentioned you in my latest blog post – well your content. That’s some bad shit happening right there.
http://myspanishadventure.com/2011/embracing-minimalism-abroad-an-honest-account-of-everything-i-packed-for-spain/
Thanks for the mention, man. And nice post. Just tweeted it out.
Niall,
Your post definitely struck a chord with me.
I’m reminding myself a lot lately that to achieve contentment, I have to be confident in and honest about my priorities. My natural response is frequently to avoid conflict and defer – especially when I feel someone may perceive me as judgmental, less empathetic, less responsible, less friendly or X.
In some cases the choice to defer may be the result of a lack of confidence. However, I also think the root can be found when a person’s identity is defined too much by the desire to be productive and useful. That sense of purpose creates a positive drive but it can also fuel self-judgment or provide a means for others to exercise undo authority over a person.
Well in dude! This is something I struggle with too – feeling the need to reply to everything from every angle. Something I’m taking a look at too, All these little tweaks will save so much time in the long run.
I won’t be offended if you don’t reply to this, I’ll just cry a little at night
It makes me think of the movie Human Traffic when 2 guys meet in a pub . They both don’t really know each other but they pretend like they are friend except they don’t care. They are disconnected. After a while they imagine what they would really say if they were honest. And they are better that way.
Sometime I feel I would be friend , good friend , with some one, but it never happens, we are always disconnected. I don’t know why.
Good post Niall!